Karmafest 2011

Every once in a while a commitment or opportunity comes along that begs me to give it all I have to do something awesome and this fall it was attending the Karmafest in Elkton, MD on October 8th & 9th, to help do service for God by showing my gratitude and give Light at the Sukyo Mahikari tent.

Prior to going I prayed to God to be allowed to have the strength and energy to give Light both days. I knew it would tax my strength but God allowed me to have what I needed to do what he wanted me to do.

Saturday:

Nervous as can be, unsure of what I needed to say to folks as they approached the tent, I became very humbled as I realized my social anxiety kicked in but had to work past it just to say, 'HI'. A staff member from the center was on hand and I was very relieved that he took over the part of greeting and guiding people to try Mahikari. We gave a 10 minute demo, as we called it, and gave True Light to the main soul point, or in other cultures it's known as the 3rd eye or 8th chakra. It was slow at first with people but as the day went on, there was a steady stream of individuals that received Light and I begged off for a bathroom break and dinner toward the end of the day. I could feel my shoulders ache and feel the burning in my muscles but I pressed on as God kept the discomforts at bay. I had many training experiences via a few people who sat in front of me. One was Colin, who was so disturbed that I had to confer with the staff member later on and along with my Uncle who was there, we agreed he most likely had a form of possession going on. Only truth and God could set this man free. Another was a woman Joey, she walked by in the afternoon and just burst out crying. She had no idea what we were about but the love she felt made her feel so overwhelmed she couldn't stop crying. Turns out she had a 9 year relationship end and she really needed love. After she received Light she felt much better and wanted to learn how to do what we did. She took some pamphlets, cards and went on her way. The other person who stuck out in my mind and experience was Buddy. He can see auras but he gave off the vibration of intense struggling. Once he told me he could read my aura, I panicked for his sake and wanted to give him as much of my time that I was allowed. I had to give him my number in hopes of hearing back from him as he lives in close proximity to my former home. If anything I had hoped to guide him to someone in case I wasn't nearby.

I stayed up half the night praying for these 3 individuals. I didn't feel I got enough rest and what rest I did get, left me feeling stiff, sore and could barely walk the next morning.

Sunday:
When I got to the tent, nothing was set up and I panicked again. I went back to my car and called my group coordinator, to make sure people were coming. I was just early and they were late but everything happens in the way God wants. Things went pretty much as usual to start once the staff member arrived. My shoulders were more sore and my patience wasn't all there. Definitely good training and good lesson on where I have to change myself. I took a lunch break and went to one of only 2 food vendors; the one I choose was run by a woman with Muscular Dystropy. It humbled me and reminded me why I need to be grateful I have Fibromyalgia as there is always something worse out there. I was allowed to give her Light in her stand later on in the afternoon and she said she regained some mobility back into her neck and could even lift her arms above her shoulders. I saw prior to giving Light how stiff and limited her range of motion had been. It was a miracle alone that she regained that much back. I gave her my number and still pray for her today that she reach out to someone for more Light. She needs a full session of Light and I've faith that God will continue to heal her.

I slept really good that night; granted I had much pain and stiffness for a week after that but it was worth it. Yes, that weekend taught me a lot and God showed me so much. He allows me everything, from my health, living conditions, food, finances, friends, family and the list is endless. I'm just so thankful that I had the opportunity and committed to that weekend so I could show God my gratitude for all he has done for me. I want to continue to be of service and pray for many more opportunities.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Love Thyself

When it comes to loving myself I've struggled for the longest time with it. It doesn't help that I struggle with accepting I have a debilitating condition, Fibromyalgia. I've been doing a lot of work through the workbooks written by Louise Hay. I'm currently working in 'You Can Heal Your Life."

I've always been good at loving and being compassionate towards others but as a good friend pointed out, 'it's time to do the same for myself.' Problem with that is I don't know what it's suppose to feel like. I mean, isn't it selfish to love yourself and not others. Apparently not so long as it's in a balance way and God approved.

Last month, the night before the reinauguration ceremony at the Sukyo Mahikari center in Washington D.C., I was laying in bed trying to figure out a way to show my feelings of altruistic love to my cousin's mother. She's very insecure and the month before when I popped in to say hi with my Uncle as he dropped his son, my cousin off at her home, started to fret intensely at the state of her home. She thought it was a mess and all I saw was a place that was 4 walls, a roof over their heads and it was lived in. This coming from a person living in a car 24/7 prior to that weekend. So a month later, thinking I'd have a chance to see her again, I decided I would give her the world's most love-filled hug ever. Granted, I am a bit of a perfectionist and like to rehearse prior to acting on something like this, decided to go over this hug in my mind. So, I'm laying in bed and imagine pouring all my love that I had in me into her while I had my arms around her in an embrace. What happened after that was so profound but confusing that it took my good friend and life coach of sorts to help me through this moment.

As I was putting my love into this hug I planned to give to another, my body started to ache, throb and after a few minutes I was on fire, red and felt like my joints were trying to melt into my bones. It hurt and I seriously thought it was another ER visit about to happen. Deciding to act on faith first, I sent a text message to 2 individuals, one being my group coordinator and friend, the other my friend and life coach. Both prayed for me but my coach called me. She asked me what I had been doing prior to the pain and in between sobbing and trying to breath, I told her my hug exercise and she was so happy at what I was going through.

How the hell can she be happy I'm in pain? WTF???

Turns out, the love I was giving to another person was reciprocated from God so instantly that he had to cleanse my body of negativity to make room for the love to stay within me, that it manifested as this searing, burning pain.

Yes, I did feel a shift in my heart and it scared me. My friend coached me through the pain, helping me to be grateful for the pain and the love that God allowed to come back to me just from the mental exercise I was doing.  After about 2 hours on the phone, I was able to calm down, accept what my heart was experiencing and give gratitude to God for making this happen.

And the pain went away.  I have not had that kind of pain before or since then.

By me being me and just wanting to love another selflessly brought the miracle of altruistic love into my life. It came from ME. God showed me how powerful my love is for others by healing the emotional traumas I've carried in my heart since a very young age. I knew love was powerful but never so powerful it could heal.

This miracle of love taught me that I can love myself and really enjoy the feeling of self-love. The result of self-love made it possible for me to finally, truthfully accept that I have a debilitating condition called Fibromyalgia Syndrome. My acceptance of my condition made me go a step further and accept that whenever I'm in pain or having one of my other symptoms, that it's just a form of cleansing that God is having happen so that I can be filled with something more positive and divine like love and True Light.

I am one with God.

Busy, Busy, Busy

The past month has been very busy. I'm surprised at how well I've kept up with the demands of my health and still meeting my commitments. I've grateful everyday for what God allows me to do.

I had some blood tests performed to see if I had any deficiencies with vitamins and we checked for Celiac's disease since I'm so sensitive to gluten in food. The results came back that I was okay; I wasn't even borderline with anything. Thus back to the drawing board for pain management of the burning searing pain. Currently, I'm up on the Cymbalta dosage in hopes that it will help but that's with the help of samples from my doctor. Insurance won't approve above 60 mg as that is the maximum that the FDA approved for Fibromyalgia. I have to go back to ibprofen, heat, and Divine Light to help me with managing my health.

I attended the reinauguration ceremony for the Washington D.C. Sukyo Mahikari center and that was an amazing experience. The Light definitely helped with cleansings and even though the cleansings resulted in more Fibromyalgia episodes, I'm still grateful for them.

I spent a week just driving from Mr.Photo's near Philly, to my Grandma's in MD and the to upstate PA to my folks, only to have to come back to Mr.Photo's a few days later. I really am starting to live in my car and Ruby (car's name) is just as exhausted as I am and we just want to park it somewhere and veg out. But, I keep to my commitments no matter the consequence and the end result is personal/spiritual growth and more gratitude.

I got to attend another support group night with the man and women of the Hope, Faith, Love Fibromyalgia support group and picked up coupons to send out to the military families. I really enjoyed knowing how much we supported these families with just coupons. Especially when I know how difficult military family life is as military personal for the most part do not make a lot of money. We sent close to $450 dollars worth of coupons to them. My wrists hurt so much after all the sorting and tallying but I pushed through it as I knew it was for others. I was also doing my part to give service to God by service for others. He let me rest the next day and I had a real bed to sleep in.

I've met some interesting people in my busy travels this past month and I look forward to posting about them here and what I learned from those experiences. Not to mention the impact it has had on my health.

Happy follows Happy

Stay Tuned

I apologize for not having a post in almost a month. I've been on the road a lot, bouncing from friends, to family, to friends and back to family as that is my living situation right now. Good things have occurred in the interim and I've a few updates on my adventures with Fibromyalgia. I should have something posted soon as I now have access to a computer again for a while.

Happiness follows Happiness ~ B.D. 

On Purpose

I suppose to some individuals that we in the disabled community, which includes those with Fibromyalgia, that we are making ourselves ill on purpose so we can collect government funds to live off of. The perspective that we sit on our butts all day eating bon-bons and potato chips for a free paycheck is true in some cases but that does not mean it applies to us all. If a person fakes disability to take money from the system then they need to be report and fined. For the rest of us, it remains to be seen, that we need to be treated with dignity and respect like everyone else. We want to work, we want to do the things our bodies won't allow us to do anymore. In some instances, this lack of ability drives individuals to take their own life as a result of the hopelessness and negative comments from friends, family and strangers. It's a bitter pill to swallow and for those like me, I refuse to choke it down.

I had two doctor visits yesterday; both were follow-up appointments. My first was with my rheumatologist and we discussed what I had been doing, going through and then had an exam performed. I really dread that part due to the pain during and what comes for days afterwards. I stated my life has stabilized somewhat; my living situation has somewhat of a routine to it. But I'm still struggling. I asked about vitamin deficiencies such as vitamin D and how they help with pain management. She stated it didn't help much but it's worth checking my nutrient levels to see if I'm deficient anywhere. My pain levels have gone up and they're intensifying to almost daily now. I won't be able to take anything for the pain until the blood tests come back next week. I've been experiencing a cold burning, searing pain in my muscles every night. It gets even more intense when I take Xyrem and can't sleep from the pain; so my body fights the sleep medicine on top of what my muscles are feeling and it makes me yell at night. I've wondered why my folks haven't heard me by now as it's almost every night. It's almost like having Icy Hot poured into my body with nothing to release the pressure. My joints feel like they have no cartilage in them either and that's especially with my knees and ankles. My rheumatologist was glad to hear I can now walk a gentle 15 minutes a day now and can do some gardening once a week (weather permitting). Yet, overall I'm getting worse. When she did the 18 point exam, it hurt everywhere. When she did my elbows I swear she was driving a spike through the joint to pry them apart. She's very upset that I'm not getting better. The worst part I told her was I feel like I have nothing to work towards. She agreed that not having a sense of purpose in life is more harmful than breaking a bone. And it is.

Within a half hour of the first appointment and driving towards my second appointment with my pulmonary doctor, I was so fatigued and in pain from the exam with my rheumatologist that I decided I needed to park somewhere and take a nap. Which I did; and I napped some more while in the waiting room at the sleep doctor's office. I was that worn out.

My sleep doctor was concerned too overall as he wants to help me with the Fibromyalgia as well. He even suggested I try OMT and was relieved when I said I'm already starting on that. I did however tell him about my first experience as a patient verses a test subject and he agreed that the student I got is in the wrong line of work. Negative thoughts like hers are not helpful at all to those with my condition. He's also eager to see what my blood test results are going to be and will see me in four weeks. The next step he wants to work on is my fatigue during the day.

I'm thankful God gave me doctors who are in harmony with my condition and want the most positive results for me to have a good and improved life.

I then slept over 12 hours, had difficulty today doing the most basic things such as: pissing, getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating, brushing my hair and keeping my eyes open. My overall rating for the day is a 9. It's almost 9:30 p.m. and I want to sleep but my mind is geared up as I work through trying not to judge myself when my body won't work the way I need it to.

"I am open and receptive to all good."

One year later…

I turned 31 today. Yes, I made it through the first year of my 30's or in hindsight as the first year I started to try and live. I didn't want to and even had made plans to no longer exist after my 30^th birthday but, God had set in motion months beforehand that I am needed. He's yet to reveal that to me and I'm okay with waiting on that answer.

When I was a teen, I was fed up with being sexually abused, having family and little friends not listen to me when I tried to 'cry for help' from all the pain I was in. Pain in my heart, mind, spirit and body; abuse of any form creates individuals who are so afraid to love themselves that they tend to do any form of continuous harm to themselves as it's all they know. And I wasn't an exception. I dealt with the typical peer pressures, family drama's and growing pains of life and limb that any person would go through in late teen years but with a sense of dread of what was coming for me I refused. I tried to cut my wrists at 14 when my guardian angel/spirit made a promise that if by my 30^th year I wasn't happy, knew any kind of peace or love, then I would be allowed to end my own life without retribution afterwards. I believed and waited. And waited some more.

During the waiting of my teens and twenties, I still had growing pains but my body was finished growing. Later I would be diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and it was a guarded family secret since as anyone who has the condition knows, it's not believable by most and I have at least one in-law who thinks I pretend for attention and mooching off others. I don't want a body that creaks, snaps, clicks, is on fire with no way to put out the flames, gets so cold in my knees it wouldn't surprise if I find ice there one day and more like this. The symptoms are ever changing and relentless. It's exhausting and my greatest doubter on sanity to keep trying every single day. This syndrome broke me over and over and I nearly gave in too soon but I always hold my promises especially when it comes to a higher power. So I waited some more.

Family drama ensued, grudges formed and distance was needed for a long time. 5 years in fact. Until one day at Thanksgiving in 2009, I noticed my Uncle didn't quit have such an angry dark aura about him. I thought it was due to my severely deep depression over rejection of family toward me, I was worn down from FMS and a work project. Later on, not sure how long time passed, but he eventually told me about this great healing energy that helped the body and he thought of me. We talked and I brushed it off as, I know now, I wasn't ready to experience this phenomenon. God decides to have me in a car accident that left me with a herniated disc in my lower back, with a pinched sciatic nerve and rolling waves of Fibro-pain. By the end of the year I lost work, was bedridden and at a loss as to what to do with myself outside of physical therapy. By March 2010 I decided to experience Light. It was the first time I felt peace in my body and mind. My spirit was calm and I slept for the first time without pain or medicine that was needed to sleep. Off and On for the most of the year, I continued to receive Light and had many changes occur. I had actually resorted to whoring by this point and it was bad as my body was in pain from the accident, I had no income and hated my life. I planned my death from this point. I made some photo albums with my favorite memories to give my parents and sister as I wanted them to have something to hold dear to them after I was gone. By August 2010, I knew I had to face the truth of my life and own up to the state my body, mind, and spirit was in by telling my boss that I have Fibromyalgia and I don't know how long or how well I will continue to be able to keep working. I was still unable to work my fullest for more than 3.5 days a work week. The rest I stumbled through or didn't show at all.

During all this, my Uncle, Mr. Photo, Miss Brazil and my pets all kept encouraging to keep going, don't give up. It will get better. I still didn't believe there was life after 30.

On my 30^th birthday, I was let go from a job, was in terrible pain and could not go through with my promise. I just didn't care anymore about myself and what little values I had left.

God showed me for the year after that why it was necessary to keep living. I made new friends who truly love and care about me. Met wonderful people who also have Fibromyalgia and we gain knowledge & strength by our support group nights. And, I was allowed a saving grace from God. From continuously week after week of receiving Light, I started to believe I really was loveable. Loveable just enough to keep going; to keep going in pain of body, mind and spirit. I lost my dog to cancer and found myself starving for Love that couldn't be big enough to fill the void that Neko's life left in me. Out of his passing to heaven, I had actually prayed that Neko be allowed to live and receive endless Light. To be free of pain and a small part of me wanted that too. That small part of me was heard and I was given the blessing of becoming a practitioner of Light so I can help others. I have seen the changes big and small but I'm still learning and growing much like Christian on his pilgrimage.

Now, I'm 31 and have seen that I truly do have a life worth living but it took a great amount of love that could push past the walls the pain in my life had built. God had planted not a seed of doubt but a seed of love. He held his promise and it came true. I did know peace and love; and I still do. The pain tries to win out each day but through my growing spiritual family and through the healing of my biological family, I'm finding that life is just beginning for me.

They say humans learn the most in the first 2-3 years of their lives. I believe this to be true. I believe the hopelessness in me died when I turned 30 and from that point forward I had to learn how to live. I learned to crawl through the pain, and now I'm learning to walk with love. Soon I'll be talking n living the loving harmony, peace and prosperity that God is making me grow up with and into the human being he's always known me to be.

I thank you for the greatest birthday I've ever had.

I am one with God.

Student Education

I had the fortunate chance to be the patient to a student doctor at PCOM College in Philadelphia. I decided to go for OMT treatment as I knew it helped me tremendously from the study I participated in earlier this year. Needless to say the appointment didn't go well at all.

I was late getting to the college due to roads being out from all the flooding that Storm Lee created. Plus when I go to the correct floor there was no sign to direct a person to the correct office. It took me ten minutes to find the suite. I was worried that I would irritate the doctor by being late. I had called to say I was running late due to traffic and that was okay, except that my adjustment time would be less as I had to go through the new patient process.

The student was very blunt, opinionated and condescending in the worst way. While in talking she decided to inform me of her personal opinion on Fibromyalgia. "Fibromyalgia is just a diagnosis doctor's give to patients because they don't know how to diagnose the problem." I became tense at this point and very agitated; she was very negative, asked me questions with the tone that I don't know what to try like, 'when was the last time you had your thyroid checked?" I respond with,'3-4 months ago and I have all my blood work done that often in order to try to catch any changes in my body chemistry." Met with silence and negative energy. The best part was when she preceded to tell me that studies have shown that a majority of folks that go to the ER for myalgia pain is due to Vitamin D deficiency and I need to start taking vitamin D more often. She did apologize for sounding condescending but still continued to belittle me. I was so mad by the time I left. 


I mentally called her names, ranted at my friends and family (God bless them) and wrote a rough draft email to the school. I decided to wait a day before making any decisions or do any actions that I might regret. I'm glad I waited and calmed down. 


I edited the email but waited until I reschedule my appointment with someone who has a positive philosophy about Fibromyalgia. The OMT treatment works so I'm not going to back off from the school, just changed physicians. 


What did I learn from all this both as a patient and myself? I found that even new doctor's still do not believe that what fibro-mites experience is real. It's not in our head, it's not psychosomatic, it's real and we suffer from so many things. I didn't like the feeling of being unaccepted and resented the anger that grew from the condescending manner she gave me. I found that it was also humbling in the respect that I need to ask questions on what doctor's believe in when it comes to my health problems. I am grateful for the humbling lesson I was given and how my anger hurts me more than anyone else. My anger showed me that I still have yet to fully accept myself just as I am with Fibromyalgia and until I change how I accept myself, I will continue to have these humiliating lessons. 


So when I meet with the new doctor, I'll find out what her viewpoint is on Fibromyalgia and embrace whatever she suggests to try to do for my health as I want to embrace positive changes to be a healthier person. 


I am willing to change.