Adventures with Fibromyalgia

Good-bye Everybody!!!

2012-02-07T17:45:00.000-08:00

It's been more than a couple of months since I posted on here. I've been on a very intense life journey and want to continue going in the direction I'm meant to. I have plans for writing but it will no longer be this blog. I appreciate all the support that everyone has given me while I was posting here but I want to work more in accordance with the divine plan from a spirit first way in writing. Stay tuned, I'm sure you'll see my works in the near-future.

Thank you very much and Good-bye for now...Sharra

Karmafest 2011

2011-10-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while a commitment or opportunity comes along that begs me to give it all I have to do something awesome and this fall it was attending the Karmafest in Elkton, MD on October 8th & 9th, to help do service for God by showing my gratitude and give Light at the Sukyo Mahikari tent.

Prior to going I prayed to God to be allowed to have the strength and energy to give Light both days. I knew it would tax my strength but God allowed me to have what I needed to do what he wanted me to do.

Saturday:

Nervous as can be, unsure of what I needed to say to folks as they approached the tent, I became very humbled as I realized my social anxiety kicked in but had to work past it just to say, 'HI'. A staff member from the center was on hand and I was very relieved that he took over the part of greeting and guiding people to try Mahikari. We gave a 10 minute demo, as we called it, and gave True Light to the main soul point, or in other cultures it's known as the 3rd eye or 8th chakra. It was slow at first with people but as the day went on, there was a steady stream of individuals that received Light and I begged off for a bathroom break and dinner toward the end of the day. I could feel my shoulders ache and feel the burning in my muscles but I pressed on as God kept the discomforts at bay. I had many training experiences via a few people who sat in front of me. One was Colin, who was so disturbed that I had to confer with the staff member later on and along with my Uncle who was there, we agreed he most likely had a form of possession going on. Only truth and God could set this man free. Another was a woman Joey, she walked by in the afternoon and just burst out crying. She had no idea what we were about but the love she felt made her feel so overwhelmed she couldn't stop crying. Turns out she had a 9 year relationship end and she really needed love. After she received Light she felt much better and wanted to learn how to do what we did. She took some pamphlets, cards and went on her way. The other person who stuck out in my mind and experience was Buddy. He can see auras but he gave off the vibration of intense struggling. Once he told me he could read my aura, I panicked for his sake and wanted to give him as much of my time that I was allowed. I had to give him my number in hopes of hearing back from him as he lives in close proximity to my former home. If anything I had hoped to guide him to someone in case I wasn't nearby.

I stayed up half the night praying for these 3 individuals. I didn't feel I got enough rest and what rest I did get, left me feeling stiff, sore and could barely walk the next morning.

Sunday:
When I got to the tent, nothing was set up and I panicked again. I went back to my car and called my group coordinator, to make sure people were coming. I was just early and they were late but everything happens in the way God wants. Things went pretty much as usual to start once the staff member arrived. My shoulders were more sore and my patience wasn't all there. Definitely good training and good lesson on where I have to change myself. I took a lunch break and went to one of only 2 food vendors; the one I choose was run by a woman with Muscular Dystropy. It humbled me and reminded me why I need to be grateful I have Fibromyalgia as there is always something worse out there. I was allowed to give her Light in her stand later on in the afternoon and she said she regained some mobility back into her neck and could even lift her arms above her shoulders. I saw prior to giving Light how stiff and limited her range of motion had been. It was a miracle alone that she regained that much back. I gave her my number and still pray for her today that she reach out to someone for more Light. She needs a full session of Light and I've faith that God will continue to heal her.

I slept really good that night; granted I had much pain and stiffness for a week after that but it was worth it. Yes, that weekend taught me a lot and God showed me so much. He allows me everything, from my health, living conditions, food, finances, friends, family and the list is endless. I'm just so thankful that I had the opportunity and committed to that weekend so I could show God my gratitude for all he has done for me. I want to continue to be of service and pray for many more opportunities.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Love Thyself

2011-10-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

When it comes to loving myself I've struggled for the longest time with it. It doesn't help that I struggle with accepting I have a debilitating condition, Fibromyalgia. I've been doing a lot of work through the workbooks written by Louise Hay. I'm currently working in 'You Can Heal Your Life."

I've always been good at loving and being compassionate towards others but as a good friend pointed out, 'it's time to do the same for myself.' Problem with that is I don't know what it's suppose to feel like. I mean, isn't it selfish to love yourself and not others. Apparently not so long as it's in a balance way and God approved.

Last month, the night before the reinauguration ceremony at the Sukyo Mahikari center in Washington D.C., I was laying in bed trying to figure out a way to show my feelings of altruistic love to my cousin's mother. She's very insecure and the month before when I popped in to say hi with my Uncle as he dropped his son, my cousin off at her home, started to fret intensely at the state of her home. She thought it was a mess and all I saw was a place that was 4 walls, a roof over their heads and it was lived in. This coming from a person living in a car 24/7 prior to that weekend. So a month later, thinking I'd have a chance to see her again, I decided I would give her the world's most love-filled hug ever. Granted, I am a bit of a perfectionist and like to rehearse prior to acting on something like this, decided to go over this hug in my mind. So, I'm laying in bed and imagine pouring all my love that I had in me into her while I had my arms around her in an embrace. What happened after that was so profound but confusing that it took my good friend and life coach of sorts to help me through this moment.

As I was putting my love into this hug I planned to give to another, my body started to ache, throb and after a few minutes I was on fire, red and felt like my joints were trying to melt into my bones. It hurt and I seriously thought it was another ER visit about to happen. Deciding to act on faith first, I sent a text message to 2 individuals, one being my group coordinator and friend, the other my friend and life coach. Both prayed for me but my coach called me. She asked me what I had been doing prior to the pain and in between sobbing and trying to breath, I told her my hug exercise and she was so happy at what I was going through.

How the hell can she be happy I'm in pain? WTF???

Turns out, the love I was giving to another person was reciprocated from God so instantly that he had to cleanse my body of negativity to make room for the love to stay within me, that it manifested as this searing, burning pain.

Yes, I did feel a shift in my heart and it scared me. My friend coached me through the pain, helping me to be grateful for the pain and the love that God allowed to come back to me just from the mental exercise I was doing. After about 2 hours on the phone, I was able to calm down, accept what my heart was experiencing and give gratitude to God for making this happen.

And the pain went away. I have not had that kind of pain before or since then.

By me being me and just wanting to love another selflessly brought the miracle of altruistic love into my life. It came from ME. God showed me how powerful my love is for others by healing the emotional traumas I've carried in my heart since a very young age. I knew love was powerful but never so powerful it could heal.

This miracle of love taught me that I can love myself and really enjoy the feeling of self-love. The result of self-love made it possible for me to finally, truthfully accept that I have a debilitating condition called Fibromyalgia Syndrome. My acceptance of my condition made me go a step further and accept that whenever I'm in pain or having one of my other symptoms, that it's just a form of cleansing that God is having happen so that I can be filled with something more positive and divine like love and True Light.

I am one with God.

Busy, Busy, Busy

2011-10-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

The past month has been very busy. I'm surprised at how well I've kept up with the demands of my health and still meeting my commitments. I've grateful everyday for what God allows me to do.

I had some blood tests performed to see if I had any deficiencies with vitamins and we checked for Celiac's disease since I'm so sensitive to gluten in food. The results came back that I was okay; I wasn't even borderline with anything. Thus back to the drawing board for pain management of the burning searing pain. Currently, I'm up on the Cymbalta dosage in hopes that it will help but that's with the help of samples from my doctor. Insurance won't approve above 60 mg as that is the maximum that the FDA approved for Fibromyalgia. I have to go back to ibprofen, heat, and Divine Light to help me with managing my health.

I attended the reinauguration ceremony for the Washington D.C. Sukyo Mahikari center and that was an amazing experience. The Light definitely helped with cleansings and even though the cleansings resulted in more Fibromyalgia episodes, I'm still grateful for them.

I spent a week just driving from Mr.Photo's near Philly, to my Grandma's in MD and the to upstate PA to my folks, only to have to come back to Mr.Photo's a few days later. I really am starting to live in my car and Ruby (car's name) is just as exhausted as I am and we just want to park it somewhere and veg out. But, I keep to my commitments no matter the consequence and the end result is personal/spiritual growth and more gratitude.

I got to attend another support group night with the man and women of the Hope, Faith, Love Fibromyalgia support group and picked up coupons to send out to the military families. I really enjoyed knowing how much we supported these families with just coupons. Especially when I know how difficult military family life is as military personal for the most part do not make a lot of money. We sent close to $450 dollars worth of coupons to them. My wrists hurt so much after all the sorting and tallying but I pushed through it as I knew it was for others. I was also doing my part to give service to God by service for others. He let me rest the next day and I had a real bed to sleep in.

I've met some interesting people in my busy travels this past month and I look forward to posting about them here and what I learned from those experiences. Not to mention the impact it has had on my health.

Happy follows Happy

Stay Tuned

2011-10-14T19:44:00.001-07:00

I apologize for not having a post in almost a month. I've been on the road a lot, bouncing from friends, to family, to friends and back to family as that is my living situation right now. Good things have occurred in the interim and I've a few updates on my adventures with Fibromyalgia. I should have something posted soon as I now have access to a computer again for a while.

Happiness follows Happiness ~ B.D.

On Purpose

2011-09-21T18:24:00.001-07:00

I suppose to some individuals that we in the disabled community, which includes those with Fibromyalgia, that we are making ourselves ill on purpose so we can collect government funds to live off of. The perspective that we sit on our butts all day eating bon-bons and potato chips for a free paycheck is true in some cases but that does not mean it applies to us all. If a person fakes disability to take money from the system then they need to be report and fined. For the rest of us, it remains to be seen, that we need to be treated with dignity and respect like everyone else. We want to work, we want to do the things our bodies won't allow us to do anymore. In some instances, this lack of ability drives individuals to take their own life as a result of the hopelessness and negative comments from friends, family and strangers. It's a bitter pill to swallow and for those like me, I refuse to choke it down.

I had two doctor visits yesterday; both were follow-up appointments. My first was with my rheumatologist and we discussed what I had been doing, going through and then had an exam performed. I really dread that part due to the pain during and what comes for days afterwards. I stated my life has stabilized somewhat; my living situation has somewhat of a routine to it. But I'm still struggling. I asked about vitamin deficiencies such as vitamin D and how they help with pain management. She stated it didn't help much but it's worth checking my nutrient levels to see if I'm deficient anywhere. My pain levels have gone up and they're intensifying to almost daily now. I won't be able to take anything for the pain until the blood tests come back next week. I've been experiencing a cold burning, searing pain in my muscles every night. It gets even more intense when I take Xyrem and can't sleep from the pain; so my body fights the sleep medicine on top of what my muscles are feeling and it makes me yell at night. I've wondered why my folks haven't heard me by now as it's almost every night. It's almost like having Icy Hot poured into my body with nothing to release the pressure. My joints feel like they have no cartilage in them either and that's especially with my knees and ankles. My rheumatologist was glad to hear I can now walk a gentle 15 minutes a day now and can do some gardening once a week (weather permitting). Yet, overall I'm getting worse. When she did the 18 point exam, it hurt everywhere. When she did my elbows I swear she was driving a spike through the joint to pry them apart. She's very upset that I'm not getting better. The worst part I told her was I feel like I have nothing to work towards. She agreed that not having a sense of purpose in life is more harmful than breaking a bone. And it is.

Within a half hour of the first appointment and driving towards my second appointment with my pulmonary doctor, I was so fatigued and in pain from the exam with my rheumatologist that I decided I needed to park somewhere and take a nap. Which I did; and I napped some more while in the waiting room at the sleep doctor's office. I was that worn out.

My sleep doctor was concerned too overall as he wants to help me with the Fibromyalgia as well. He even suggested I try OMT and was relieved when I said I'm already starting on that. I did however tell him about my first experience as a patient verses a test subject and he agreed that the student I got is in the wrong line of work. Negative thoughts like hers are not helpful at all to those with my condition. He's also eager to see what my blood test results are going to be and will see me in four weeks. The next step he wants to work on is my fatigue during the day.

I'm thankful God gave me doctors who are in harmony with my condition and want the most positive results for me to have a good and improved life.

I then slept over 12 hours, had difficulty today doing the most basic things such as: pissing, getting out of bed, getting dressed, eating, brushing my hair and keeping my eyes open. My overall rating for the day is a 9. It's almost 9:30 p.m. and I want to sleep but my mind is geared up as I work through trying not to judge myself when my body won't work the way I need it to.

"I am open and receptive to all good."

One year later…

2011-09-16T19:05:00.001-07:00

I turned 31 today. Yes, I made it through the first year of my 30's or in hindsight as the first year I started to try and live. I didn't want to and even had made plans to no longer exist after my 30^th birthday but, God had set in motion months beforehand that I am needed. He's yet to reveal that to me and I'm okay with waiting on that answer.

When I was a teen, I was fed up with being sexually abused, having family and little friends not listen to me when I tried to 'cry for help' from all the pain I was in. Pain in my heart, mind, spirit and body; abuse of any form creates individuals who are so afraid to love themselves that they tend to do any form of continuous harm to themselves as it's all they know. And I wasn't an exception. I dealt with the typical peer pressures, family drama's and growing pains of life and limb that any person would go through in late teen years but with a sense of dread of what was coming for me I refused. I tried to cut my wrists at 14 when my guardian angel/spirit made a promise that if by my 30^th year I wasn't happy, knew any kind of peace or love, then I would be allowed to end my own life without retribution afterwards. I believed and waited. And waited some more.

During the waiting of my teens and twenties, I still had growing pains but my body was finished growing. Later I would be diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and it was a guarded family secret since as anyone who has the condition knows, it's not believable by most and I have at least one in-law who thinks I pretend for attention and mooching off others. I don't want a body that creaks, snaps, clicks, is on fire with no way to put out the flames, gets so cold in my knees it wouldn't surprise if I find ice there one day and more like this. The symptoms are ever changing and relentless. It's exhausting and my greatest doubter on sanity to keep trying every single day. This syndrome broke me over and over and I nearly gave in too soon but I always hold my promises especially when it comes to a higher power. So I waited some more.

Family drama ensued, grudges formed and distance was needed for a long time. 5 years in fact. Until one day at Thanksgiving in 2009, I noticed my Uncle didn't quit have such an angry dark aura about him. I thought it was due to my severely deep depression over rejection of family toward me, I was worn down from FMS and a work project. Later on, not sure how long time passed, but he eventually told me about this great healing energy that helped the body and he thought of me. We talked and I brushed it off as, I know now, I wasn't ready to experience this phenomenon. God decides to have me in a car accident that left me with a herniated disc in my lower back, with a pinched sciatic nerve and rolling waves of Fibro-pain. By the end of the year I lost work, was bedridden and at a loss as to what to do with myself outside of physical therapy. By March 2010 I decided to experience Light. It was the first time I felt peace in my body and mind. My spirit was calm and I slept for the first time without pain or medicine that was needed to sleep. Off and On for the most of the year, I continued to receive Light and had many changes occur. I had actually resorted to whoring by this point and it was bad as my body was in pain from the accident, I had no income and hated my life. I planned my death from this point. I made some photo albums with my favorite memories to give my parents and sister as I wanted them to have something to hold dear to them after I was gone. By August 2010, I knew I had to face the truth of my life and own up to the state my body, mind, and spirit was in by telling my boss that I have Fibromyalgia and I don't know how long or how well I will continue to be able to keep working. I was still unable to work my fullest for more than 3.5 days a work week. The rest I stumbled through or didn't show at all.

During all this, my Uncle, Mr. Photo, Miss Brazil and my pets all kept encouraging to keep going, don't give up. It will get better. I still didn't believe there was life after 30.

On my 30^th birthday, I was let go from a job, was in terrible pain and could not go through with my promise. I just didn't care anymore about myself and what little values I had left.

God showed me for the year after that why it was necessary to keep living. I made new friends who truly love and care about me. Met wonderful people who also have Fibromyalgia and we gain knowledge & strength by our support group nights. And, I was allowed a saving grace from God. From continuously week after week of receiving Light, I started to believe I really was loveable. Loveable just enough to keep going; to keep going in pain of body, mind and spirit. I lost my dog to cancer and found myself starving for Love that couldn't be big enough to fill the void that Neko's life left in me. Out of his passing to heaven, I had actually prayed that Neko be allowed to live and receive endless Light. To be free of pain and a small part of me wanted that too. That small part of me was heard and I was given the blessing of becoming a practitioner of Light so I can help others. I have seen the changes big and small but I'm still learning and growing much like Christian on his pilgrimage.

Now, I'm 31 and have seen that I truly do have a life worth living but it took a great amount of love that could push past the walls the pain in my life had built. God had planted not a seed of doubt but a seed of love. He held his promise and it came true. I did know peace and love; and I still do. The pain tries to win out each day but through my growing spiritual family and through the healing of my biological family, I'm finding that life is just beginning for me.

They say humans learn the most in the first 2-3 years of their lives. I believe this to be true. I believe the hopelessness in me died when I turned 30 and from that point forward I had to learn how to live. I learned to crawl through the pain, and now I'm learning to walk with love. Soon I'll be talking n living the loving harmony, peace and prosperity that God is making me grow up with and into the human being he's always known me to be.

I thank you for the greatest birthday I've ever had.

I am one with God.

Student Education

2011-09-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

I had the fortunate chance to be the patient to a student doctor at PCOM College in Philadelphia. I decided to go for OMT treatment as I knew it helped me tremendously from the study I participated in earlier this year. Needless to say the appointment didn't go well at all.

I was late getting to the college due to roads being out from all the flooding that Storm Lee created. Plus when I go to the correct floor there was no sign to direct a person to the correct office. It took me ten minutes to find the suite. I was worried that I would irritate the doctor by being late. I had called to say I was running late due to traffic and that was okay, except that my adjustment time would be less as I had to go through the new patient process.

The student was very blunt, opinionated and condescending in the worst way. While in talking she decided to inform me of her personal opinion on Fibromyalgia. "Fibromyalgia is just a diagnosis doctor's give to patients because they don't know how to diagnose the problem." I became tense at this point and very agitated; she was very negative, asked me questions with the tone that I don't know what to try like, 'when was the last time you had your thyroid checked?" I respond with,'3-4 months ago and I have all my blood work done that often in order to try to catch any changes in my body chemistry." Met with silence and negative energy. The best part was when she preceded to tell me that studies have shown that a majority of folks that go to the ER for myalgia pain is due to Vitamin D deficiency and I need to start taking vitamin D more often. She did apologize for sounding condescending but still continued to belittle me. I was so mad by the time I left.

I mentally called her names, ranted at my friends and family (God bless them) and wrote a rough draft email to the school. I decided to wait a day before making any decisions or do any actions that I might regret. I'm glad I waited and calmed down.

I edited the email but waited until I reschedule my appointment with someone who has a positive philosophy about Fibromyalgia. The OMT treatment works so I'm not going to back off from the school, just changed physicians.

What did I learn from all this both as a patient and myself? I found that even new doctor's still do not believe that what fibro-mites experience is real. It's not in our head, it's not psychosomatic, it's real and we suffer from so many things. I didn't like the feeling of being unaccepted and resented the anger that grew from the condescending manner she gave me. I found that it was also humbling in the respect that I need to ask questions on what doctor's believe in when it comes to my health problems. I am grateful for the humbling lesson I was given and how my anger hurts me more than anyone else. My anger showed me that I still have yet to fully accept myself just as I am with Fibromyalgia and until I change how I accept myself, I will continue to have these humiliating lessons.

So when I meet with the new doctor, I'll find out what her viewpoint is on Fibromyalgia and embrace whatever she suggests to try to do for my health as I want to embrace positive changes to be a healthier person.

I am willing to change.

Hurricane Irene

2011-09-05T10:13:00.000-07:00

I thought it might be fun to tell the mini-adventure my Mom and I had during Hurricane Irene. We both have Fibromyalgia so it was interesting.

The storm got to our part of PA late Saturday night Aprox. at 5 a.m. the power went out and it didn't come back on for 2 days. We just did all our grocery shopping that afternoon. Sunday we spent reading books, taking naps and chatting over memories from when we went through the Ice Storm back in '96 in Spokane. It was great for laughs.

Told Mom it's a great start to her vacation. She didn't get to visit with her Mom as by Sat the Hurricane had hit MD and everyone was sick too. It took a lot of encouragement and telling her we should try some affirmations out to make this a fun experience. It grew on her but she can't quite let go of her pessimism yet. Still it's fun and she's adorable when she lets herself go. The affirmation was, 'the power is on; we have power.' She kept saying eventually and I'd playfully call her a pessimist and make faces at her. It's good to laugh and be silly. We had bought a ton of water for the toilets and really we just wanted a shower.

So on Tuesday, we arranged with my sister to go to her house to do a load of laundry and to take showers. Meanwhile, I'm still doing affirmation that we have power and even went through the process of turn lights on whenever I went to do something like always. As we pull out of the driveway, a UGI truck drives by us slowly and pulls over. We left and I said, 'see the power's on, he just fixed it.' Then we had lunch, met my sister at her house for 1. My sister got there by 1:15 and we left at 3. We went to find a campfire stove to use for cooking. We got back at 5 and guess what , the power was on.

This is the best part, as I went to fix my digital clock that night I saw the time as it was since the power went out and did the math, the power went back on at aprox 1:10. Went upstairs, told Mom and she busts out laughing and clapping her hands.

And she thought she'd have a quiet vacation. Ha!

Needless to say, the outages made it hard to sleep and messed up my routine. It took a few days before I could get back on track.

"We have power."

Trauma Cleansing cont'd...

2011-09-05T10:01:00.000-07:00

I had my session and while I didn't care for the counselor overall it was such a relief to finally be able to talk to someone on what happened and how to heal from that moment in my life. She gave me tips on how to handle the flashbacks by reminding myself it's over and in the past, write it out as the memory wants to have home, go do something constructive like take a walk, listen to some music or pet my cats. It's starting to work as I had a flashback last night just from the fear taking hold and nothing else.

I'm angry at the legal system when it comes to sex crimes. In my case, had I been under 18 consensual rape isn't called that it's just rape. Over 18, tough shit; you didn't say no, didn't fight and it's his word against mine so I can't file charges. It's no wonder women don't go to the police when this happens, it's been proven time and again that they won't help.

I know I need to forgive my attacker but I'm not there yet. I need to feel like a confident woman to be able to forgive and I need time to just heal.

"The past has no power over me/I am safe." ~ Sharra

Trauma Cleansing

2011-08-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I go back to see my counselor to finally start the process of healing from rape that happened back in May. I'm doing my very best to not run in fear but I can no longer handle the flashbacks that occur at anytime for any reason at all. It's very distracting, not to mention messes with my self-esteem. I've been putting it off as long as I could as I don't want to relive that painful day. I am just tired of not being in control of my own mind and want the trauma to stop. Therefore, I'm back in session tomorrow and will begin the cleansing process of rape victim to rape survivor.

I can only think that the stress from this process with have an impact on the Fibromyalgia. It's a form of stress and that always triggers some type of flare-up.

"It is safe to look within." ~ Louise Hay

Forgiveness Heals

2011-08-26T17:31:00.000-07:00

I'm working on affirmations to let myself purge all of the negative emotions, turmoil, and more from my subconscious. It's hard work and has to some extent already made an impact on my life. My Fibromyalgia is somewhat difficult to handle when trying to work at affirmations. Like the fibro fog kicking in and I can't remember what I was doing. Or a moment comes up where I need to have an affirmation on hand and the fibro fog/fatigue won't let me remember any of them. Lately thought it's my hands just hurting from writing out the affirmations. Just like typing or any repetitive motion, the burning pain comes back or my strength goes and I can't hold the pen very well.

The positive impact is that the healing is occurring. Last night, I screamed, cried, prayed, pounded my fists at my beds until that hurt, that was tied to a particular moment that I forgave and set free, was gone. Between that purging of my subconscious and the gallbladder cleanse, I was worn out today.

I had a lot of fatigue, some depression and a certain numbness from the hurt leaving. I wasn't entirely sure if what I experienced was normal so I verified with my mentor and she said it's very normal and I'm normal. I felt relieved. I can honestly say that just one statement of forgiveness allowed me to achieve a small bit of healing. I don't quite feel as anxious anymore and the pain in my chest has subsided a tad. I know it works.

I just pray that my friends and family continue to be supportive during this process as I'm sure to have doubts, bouts of crying, and extreme fatigue.

"I forgive you for not being who I wanted you to be. I forgive you and set you free." ~ Louise Hay

Purge that Toxin!!!

2011-08-25T19:12:00.000-07:00

I had to do a gallbladder cleanse to help flush out the toxins stuck in my lower g.i. When I met with my primary doctor a few weeks ago we discussed things I can do to improve my overall health especially with my weight reaching borderline morbid obesity. Aside from dietary changes, a colon cleansing was brought up and was okay with that. I asked about a gallbladder cleanse I heard about and wanted to make sure it was safe to do. I got the okay so long as I followed the directions. I did and it was very hard.

The gallbladder like the liver and kidneys help with filtering out the crap that our bodies do not need. It then flushes it out with the waste into the intestines, etc... When a person keeps having problems with constipation, or show signs of too much toxins in their bodies, it's a good idea to detox to make sure there is nothing residual stuck in the intestines. Overtime the amount of unhealthy food and medicines can make the filters become clogged and need to be cleaned out. Much like you would clean out a coffee pot to keep it running smoothly.

It's a process that involves apple juice, light foods, Epsom salt water and a olive oil/grapefruit drink. It really works. I lost 4 lbs just from the days of drinking juice and another 4 the day of the actual cleanse. I have one more colonic to do just to make sure no remaining stones are in my intestines but I'm feeling a bit worn out from the process.

I felt like I was turned into a press and like trying to squeeze oil from the olive much pressure was needed to get the desired result. And boy was it bad. I smelled meal I had 2 weeks ago from my cleansings. I knew it was bad as it was taking 7-8 days to have a very small bowel movement but didn't realize how bad I was backed up. The salt drink itself is broken into 4 servings at 4 different times of the 24hr period. 2 in the evening and 2 the following morning. Prior to bedtime you drink the olive oil with grapefruit juice and this particular drink had me wanting to vomit so much just to rid myself of the toxins I could feel being released in my tummy. Every time I moved it felt like the worst motion sickness ever. I was sweating most of the night like I had the flu and waited until 4 am before risking some Xyrem to get a bit of sleep. I slept for a few hours but had to be up for the morning doses of salt solution.

From a fibromyalgia standpoint this was very taxing on my strength, energy and focus. It took most of what I had to make it to the bathroom and be able to stand to clean myself afterwards. Towards the end I felt like I needed the bars for standing like in the handicap stalls in public restrooms. Yes I was that tired. My narcolepsy kicked in during the afternoon as I didn't have a full dose of meds the night before. I'm sure they would have purged themselves as well if I had so no point wasting expensive meds.

Going forward I'm eager to see how well if at all my health goes after this gallbladder cleanse. I know it's now set up to at least work better with my dietary changes of gluten free living. I want to go completely organic but finances and location prevent me from doing so. My parents and my closest friends have been great in their support as I go through this process but their faith in me keeps giving me the encouragement to keep at it.

"I have a healthy body." ~ Sharra

Walking through Fear

2011-08-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

Everyone has fear of something, someone in someway. For me it seems whenever I finally overcome one fear a new one pops up. The anxiety of working through the fear has physical consequences if I don't. Yesterday was one of them.

I decided to make contact with an old friend and at least find out some truth on a situation. Upon his response, I felt at ease but he wanted to talk. I got scared. Scared for any negative conversation and I let that fear eat at me to where I hurt my body. I tried working through the fear by doing garden gratitude only to hurt my back from the shoveling. In turn I had insomnia from the pain last night (even with the sleep meds). I picked and gouged my face from traumatic memories fighting to take over. Fear is a powerful emotion. The consequences gave me a Fibromyalgia flare of burning pain, aches and bad pressure on my hips. The talk went well and I was able to calm down from the anxiety. I didn't really have anything to be afraid of.

I decided that I need to stop procrastinating and find a better shrink. I also had to reach out to my mentor to come up with a good affirmation on facing fear. We came up with 'I am safe.' And I am.

I was so afraid of the negative that I didn't once focus on the positive. In turn I created more negative actions with my health. This is why I'm trying to get away from these fear driven habits.

This was a good lesson on why it's so important to be positive and to heal.

" I am safe; I am safe and I believe this; I am one with God." ~ Sharra

Affirmative

2011-08-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

A good friend and mentor has been helping me on my path of healing. I had no needed to heal my mind. I went and bought a highly recommended book by Louise Hay titled, "You Can Heal Your Life." And let me tell you it's very powerful and has already made me a tad mentally healthier.

I decided that I need to not just work on my body and spirit but my mind as well. It's a part of my body and is very effected by Fibromyalgia. I get depressed and often don't love myself as a result of living with such a negative condition. I don't like it but it's a part of who I am so I need to embrace Fibromyaglia and love it completely. I just don't know how to do this hence, the book.

When first reading it, it instructs to just do a one time reading with no exercise work. This allows the person who chooses to embark on self-healing. I recognized myself in so much of what was in the first few chapters and already has emotional reactions that reached a physical level. My anxiety was so bad I was in physical pain, could focus and my chest actually hurt. Turns out this is a very good thing; it's my mind fucking with me as it doesn't want to change or let go of the negativity. I had to start affirmations before completing my first read through. I start with 'change is good'. It truly is. I also do mirror work by telling myself 'I Love You'. It's hard at times and others it's awesome. I'm also doing 'I now have a healthy body'. The point is that thought creates reality.

I actually did this and proved it work. For a few days I visualized that I would receive roses. I didn't know from whom or how but I would receive roses. I put love and joy into this thought and yes I did receive. Mr.Photo brought me some one day as he knew they were my favorite and likes seeing me happy with them. Thought creates reality.

I have to change my thought process, cleanse my consciousness of negativity and replace it with positivity. It will be hard work but worth it. I know I can heal myself with Su God allowing me to heal. I know that I have to cleanse my mind, body and spirit of toxins so I can be of better service to him. I want to be able to work again, to help others and create hope through writing. 'I am now a successful writer'.

My anxiety goes down, I'm able to relax better and some days I can push through the fibro pain. I've decided going forward that instead of quotes from others, that I would end with an affirmation as a way to encourage others to heal themselves too.

"Change is good; I accept you just as you are; I now have a healthy body." ~ Sharra

Medical Merry-Go-Round

2011-08-21T15:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a while with posts as usual; circumstances have prevented me from doing so. I've spent the past two months driving back and forth from my parents home to the suburbs outside Philadelphia for doctor's appointments, taking care of legal/financial responsibilities, and exchanging Okiyome with other Kumite. It's been exhausting, painful, nerve wracking and I'm grateful for it all.

Once the Xyrem for my narcolepsy condition was being increased my bladder starting having problems. A slight side-effect with Xyrem is enuresis (i.e. bladder leakage). That was not fun. I had the delightful joy of wearing depends, bladder pads and frequent trips to the toilet. I then had to see a urinologist, who told me my bladder was so constricted that it couldn't hold as much urine or for very long as it use to. Lovely! I went on Enablix samples to see if it would help and they did. After a while it got to where I couldn't urinate. I guess my bladder finally adapted to the Xyrem so I no longer needed bladder medicine. I am very relieved by this as it was the start of taking medicines for side-effects of other medicines. I've seen first hand what the long term damage would be if I had to go that route.

Then a few weeks ago, my anxiety attacks increased; and I had a few panic attacks as well. I wake up soaked in sweat, my heart hurts a lot from the pounding and I'm left feeling tense, hyper and not very happy. It's hard to stay positive when the body acts up this bad. I was on Lorazapem for anxiety but had to give that up in order to get approved for narcolepsy treatment. This forced me to reach out to my doctors, whom were extremely concerned, and they decided I needed to speak with my primary to find something to do to help. The choices weren't good. It was either quit the Xyrem, live with untreated narcolepsy to get back on anti-anxiety meds; or, to keep the Xyrem and cope with the anxiety with therapy and dietary changes. I took the latter option.

The one thing many people don't pay attention to is the side-effects when dealing with multiple medicines. It how high profile people die. They take so many different meds to help with their problems that they end up dying in their sleep due to those side-effects. For me, it would mean my heart would stop working as the meds would have my brain tell my body to relax or stop moving. Not good. I'm glad I decided not to get on that medical merry-go-round.

The rest of my problems are in a state of catch-22 but we'll save that for a different post. For now, I'm doing what I can with deep breathing exercises, herbal teas, eliminating caffeine, forcing myself to exercise so I can put that anxiety out of me, focus on my goals and continue with my obsession with my parents garden. OMG it needs so much work! Still it beats the alternative to being in a hospital all the time or taking medicine that would kill me.

"Change is good and I believe this." ~ Sharra

Bitten

2011-07-07T18:14:00.001-07:00

July 4^th celebration was great. I got to spend time with my sister and her friend's n family out in the northeast country side. I took some great pictures and videos to capture the moments. I was also bitten by a spider. It took two days before I had a serious reaction.

The itching and burning sensations didn't relent; I had even given my foot Light to help with the cleansing. That's one thing about receiving Light is that it speeds up the process for any toxins to leave the body. It could have taken a few more days before the itching and burning went away but it didn't. By 2 am last night I had to put a cold compress dipped in rubbing alcohol to stop the pain and swelling. I also took 2 Benadryl's to help with the swelling. The effect all this discomfort had on my conditions did go well.

The Xyrem for the narcolepsy kicked in but the fibromyalgia over-rode the medicine and the pain flared hugely; not to mention a minute bout of insomnia with anxiety. I managed to pass out once the alcohol-compress took effect. I woke around 10 am and had to cancel my trip to the city as I couldn't even get a flip-flop on. I had to call Mr. Photo and let my bf know as well I wasn't coming to the city due to the left foot being swollen. I also had no energy and felt very fatigued. I went back to sleep until 2pm.

Let me just say that it took all my willpower and the last of my spoons to shower and dress after that. It was a struggle to just raise my arms for any task, let alone move my legs to walk, climb or stand for any length of time. I feel bummed out at accomplishing nothing but getting out of bed, bathing, dress and making a cup of tea. Still I did meet my daily goal of getting out of bed and that's a good goal to have on days like today.

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." ~ Lance Armstrong

Sorry, Try Again

2011-06-16T09:50:00.001-07:00

I feel like sometimes I am trying to win a prize on a scratch-off ticket only to be told, 'No Winner, Please Try Again' and its disappointing. That's how adjusting to living with Fibromyalgia feels like lately and I really don't like how it makes me feel emotionally.

I have been trying to find a balance with food, sleep, chores, spiritual education and finding work. I know I can't work in the sense of a full-time job and most days I don't have to focus for even a part-time job. It's frustrating. I tried pet sitting and that didn't work out. As much as I loved walking dogs (and missed it), I physically couldn't handle it by the next day. I was bed-ridden for most of the morning and had very little strength when I was not in bed. Still I did try and as one of the members of the support group I go to stated, "it's one more to check off the list." I'm going to try helping seniors next. I'm good at listening and reading but it's all volunteer work and that's fine with me. Granted I could use income but right now, I just want to find something to do. It's hard to stay upbeat and maintain a positive outlook if I can't help others. I truly want to be of service to God and the community but I'm not sure how to do this. I have to be patient and let God steer me where he needs me to be and accept it.

I finally had to accept and stop fighting my dietary issues. I keep eating food that has gluten in it as it was just easier to not stress out over how to make my foodstamps stretch for foods that are more expensive and gluten free. I think I get that from my Dad; not wanting to change as it's not as hard to adjust. My new medication for narcolepsy has shown me that unless I want to start wearing Depends, I need to change my diet. So that means no gluten. The bowel movements were so painful and the pressure of my bladder always being pressed on was too embarrassing.

I also had Cryo-Surgery this past Monday. I had inflammation of the cervix so that needed to be stopped before any infections set in. I was told it would feel like bad menstrual cramps. It wasn't too bad when it started but by the end of the three minutes, I was begging and apologizing to God. It hurt so much. It felt like getting your tongue stuck to a frozen pole except inside my body. My Doc was very compassionate and concerned at how intense the pain was for me. Not having any painkiller and having Fibromyalgia made the pain so intense that I almost passed out twice from the pain. It took me an hour of cooling down with cold compresses before I could leave. I drove myself home and slept for most of the day. I really wished I had my bf there for support and reassurance. He couldn't make it as he had to go to court for a case.

All in all, I do have to 'Try Again' and keep persevering in accepting my life NOW and stop wishing for what will never be again. I need to accept and find a good balance in all areas of my life. It will be hard but I know I can do it.

The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.

Fibromyalgia Medical Study: Weeks 4-6

2011-06-16T09:15:00.001-07:00

…continuation from Weeks 1-3

Week 4:

This week I had some blood work done and it was challenging as always. Thin veins and I suspect, the student needed more experience drawing blood. It was just an OMT adjustment, the pedal pump and blood pressure being monitored. I did okay the rest of the week. Although, my left knee was swollen and hurt; the one lab student did his best to get my knee back to where it needed to be. We joked a lot on it and I found it amusing when I told him how I injured it (was punched by a player) playing basketball in high school when I still lived in Jacksonville, FL. He couldn't believe that sports could be that bad. I did my best with ice and Light. I had a few rough nights with that knee.

Week 5:

This week was easy as well. No blood work and just an OMT adjustment, the pedal pump, and blood pressure being monitored. I did okay the rest of the week. I was more tired though and had a few bad nights with my knees.

Week 6:

This was the final week of the study. I did have to have blood taken again. This was an actual graduate, so she knew what she was doing. She managed to get blood with no problems. We laughed our butts off knowing how the guys in the lab would be razzing the one student. The Grad was warned about my 'difficult veins' and found it amusing that the one student looked like he was trying to thread a needle. I received a full OMT treatment and she paid special attention to my knees, back and neck. My femurs had actually rotated and weren't lining up with my knees properly. My hips and pelvis were not aligned either. Nor was my neck and shoulders; I was really surprised at how focused she was at making sure all areas of my pain were addressed. I was very happy with her compassion too. I physically felt fine afterwards and was amazed at how much my pain levels decreased all over. I still had trouble the rest of the week with my right knee this time but I think that was more my trying to lift a case of water as none of my roommates were around to help me. That and my muscles were not as strong as I had been so out of alignment. I had the pedal pump as well and ended with more blood work; that too wasn't a problem. When we finished we walked back to the main area and one of the office helpers humorously stated to The Grad, "Well aren't you special!"

All in all I would trade chiropractic adjustments for OMT as it was not painful in the adjustments, it was more attentive to my needs and it didn't leave me with any seriously painful recovery with the Fibromyalgia. I wish there was a specialist that lived closer to me so I could get this treatment more often.

I'm also looking forward to participating in the study in July/August for the A1-101 table to compare it to OMT and see which is better for the Fibromyalgia

The Power of Words

2011-05-22T12:04:00.001-07:00

It's been two weeks since the Fibro walk and I'm physically doing okay. Apart from my left knee pain and fatigue I'm feeling okay. I am also going to physical therapy for my back problems that I've had since the last car accident. I need to get in the habit of actually doing the exercises when I wake up and before going to bed so that the therapy works and my back pain decreases. I know it's a good habit to start as it will help me with general exercise.

The day after the Fibro walk I went to a home to clean and earn a few extra dollars for rent. Things were going well; I vacuumed, dusted and polished living room furniture before it got scary. The homeowner wouldn't let up on hitting on my or constantly demanding I take my clothes off. After a while he ended up raping me but as I later learned that as I didn't actually say the words, "NO, STOP" there is no way I could press charges. I was under Duress *** so I didn't fight back, just cried a lot as it occurred. No rape kit had been performed at a hospital and I just went home and cried. *** I put the rest of my focus on mentally keeping it together the rest of the week so I could be positive for my family as my cousin's wedding was at the end of the week.

The wedding was wonderful; the power of expressed love through words and exchanging of vows is a wonderful thing to witness. I'm so grateful that I was permitted to be at the wedding for my cousin's joining of her life with her mate's. I truly believe they will be happy for a lifetime. She deserves the happiness and I know her husband is the one to do that for her. I caught part of the bouquet but only managed to hold onto 3 of the roses while the remainder of the bouquet went to someone else. I'm glad as the garter had WA Caps logo on it. GO FLYERS!!!!!

This past week was just catching up on rest, giving and receiving True Light, going to the bi-weekly FMS support group meeting in Limerick. A few new faces were there so it was great. I learned a lot and was glad that we are all there to support and learn from each other.

I have faith that this week will go well. I am going to meet with a Realtor for some office work and possibly look into working as a light part-time office cleaner. I need to move out of where I'm currently living. I don't know how long it will be before the borough condemns the homeowner or just fines him until he loses the property. I still want to live in the area as I believe I can help the community receive a lot of positive vibrations for a better way of life.

***Duress, in which the victim may be subject to or threatened by overwhelming force or violence, and which may result in absence of objection to intercourse, leads to the presumption of lack of consent.

***The FBI estimates that only 37% of all rapes are reported to the police. U.S. Justice Department statistics are even lower, with only 26% of all rapes or attempted rapes being reported to law enforcement officials.

Fibromyalgia Medical Study: Weeks 1-3

2011-05-22T11:33:00.001-07:00

Week 1: The first week of the medical study involved having the pressure points measured. Most hurt and my knees hurt for days afterwards. Then I had to be put on the OMT table for 5 minutes. Basically, my feet are strapped into these boots that are mounted to this table and then the table shakes back n forth for 5 minutes. A blood draw had to be done before and after this exercise. It was okay except my boobs itched after a while from the blood rush. LOL. I then had to have a second exercise done or a non-moving OMT adjustment performed. This too meant blood drawn before n after. For 4 vials to be drawn I was pricked 7 times due to small veins that made it hard to draw blood on. My arms and hands were pretty well bruised the next day and the rest of the week.

Week 2: (Narcolepsy was bad and slept through the worst of the treatments) This week involved just the stationary exercise with an OMT adjustment. Blood had to be drawn before n after; same problem with my veins. Only 4 vials needed and we managed to get 2 1/3 drawn. Hopefully it was enough for the tests needed; this took 5 tries and that left lots of bruises. My left knee hurt again and I had swelling on my inner right ankle. By now I look like I'm a drug addict and the looks strangers give me are hilarious.

Week 3: This week was an easy one. No blood draws or pressure point tests. Just went in for the OMT treatment and was done in 20 minutes. It was awesome. The bruising on my arms is almost gone and my hands are not that sore anymore.

OMT stands for Osteopathic Manipulative Treatment that is hands on care. The physician gently moves the muscles and joints for stretching, pressure and resistance where needed.

It literally feels like a slow-motion movement. You barely can tell anything is being done. I actually want to start going to an OMT specialist when the study is done. I like this better than chiropractic care.

I don't know

2011-05-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

I don't know about myself at times. I think a part of me refuses to be happy or accept what my intuition and guardian angel is telling me. I have to speak with my counselor to find out if what happened to me today was rape or just stupidity. It's messing with my mind, heart and soul.

I don't want to repeat the past and recreate mistakes or traumas. I want to do what I've always dreamed of and need to find the courage to do so for myself. I'm always okay with doing for others but never for me.

I did the FMS Philadelphia walk yesterday and was in pain but trying to find ways to pay rent ended up hurting me more than anything else. I would rather suffer physical pain then mental/spiritual pain.

Inadvertent Truths

2011-05-06T12:21:00.001-07:00

The past week has been full of surprises both positive and negative. The surprises have been coming in the form of inadvertent truths. Folks telling me how I'm perceived by others and how they perceive me from their point of view. It's been refreshing but, very nerve wracking.

My health has been holding up okay as the weather (barometric pressure) didn't have too many temperature fluctuations. My thighs have been sore though from sitting for hours on end when I went to a spiritual retreat over a three day weekend (Apr 30-May 1). I also had to use a chair pad to cushion my back near the disc herniation as the chair back was hitting that area of my back. Walking and stretching helped alleviate some of the discomfort but I just pushed through it so I could complete the training I was receiving at the retreat in Washington D.C.

My mind opened up to so many more possibilities of how I act, think and feel all the time; and how others are around me. Having this kind of awareness is inspiring to want to keep helping others despite my own limitations. I truly believe that by maintaining a positive outlook, creating positive karma and being grateful for anything I go through (good/bad) as those are good life lessons I can use to help others.

Now that I'm towards the end of the week, I am getting ready to go for the first Fibromyalgia Awareness Walk in Philadelphia so today is a rest day. I did a lot of gardening yesterday where I live to help prevent eviction. I know the ladies in the FMS support group I go to are rooting for me and I'm glad that others are starting to become aware of what is going on. Curly is walking with me so it will be fun having someone there to keep me encouraged to walk the entire walk. Cleaning came up during the discussions this week at the support group and when I offered to help clean someone's home and they said they would feel weird knowing I have FMS and I was cleaning their home instead of resting. I appreciate her concern but I have to keep moving and get any kind of exercise in. Plus I have some OCD's when it comes to cleaning and it helps relieve mental stress. Plus I'm creating positive karma by helping others where they can't help themselves. Her concern showed my inadvertent truth that I am just as concerned for her and the other members too.

Today, my landlord and I chatted for a few minutes and he got so carried away in the conversation, that when it came up to him having discussed with the other tenant/roommate, he ended up telling me I'm a sucker or a pushover. "I asked him how he would feel about a 3^rd person living here and he said no. When I told him it would help with finances as Sharra can't pay rent, it would keep her from being put on the street. He just shrugged his shoulders and said 'Oh well'. I guess he isn't a sucker…I meant to say he isn't as much of a pushover as others are when I talk with them." That hurt to hear but I'm so thankful that I heard this truth, no matter how inadvertent it was. I'm a sucker in the landlord's mind and he's using me to his advantage. I have two ads on Craig's List for work; so hopefully good things will come my way. I have faith that it will but it's a lesson of patience and humility. I'm glad I can pay off some of my karmic debt to God.

Cleaner: http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/hss/2359654301.html

Gardener: http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/res/2359657772.html

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have." ~ Frederick Keonig

Centered

2011-04-28T07:14:00.001-07:00

I feel certain calmness in myself, a sense of peace and being centered. It's a positive feeling and I know that what the next few days bring will be amazing, positive and joyful. I know I will be learning many lessons on Gratitude, Humbleness and Compassion. Lessons I know I need and feel blessed that God is allowing me to take a few courses on how to be more deeply spiritual in his Light.

What I feel in my spirit and soul doesn't match what my body is feeling. I have back pain really bad; I need to put an ice pack on it. My arms still ache from all the blood tests that were done earlier this week for the medical exercise study and I feel fatigued. I had to cancel my physical therapy session yesterday. I was so tired I could barely get out of bed. My cat, Chester, managed to coax me to get up and stay up by noon. I love that kitty.

I did manage to get to an open house to receive True Light and it helped my spirit with removing negative impurities. I learned how to be grateful for everything from, the clothes I wear, light bulbs that provide light, food, dishes to eat off of and so forth. It was powerful learning to be grateful past just momentary experiences.

I did witness moments of compassion and learned a lesson in patience. The hostess had some family problems and seeing her patience at guiding her family back to being positive and calm gave me insight as to how I need to practice patience more in my life. I need to be patient that God will provide me a lasting loving relationship with a man who will be unconditional of me, to be patient when helping others as they have to make their own choices, to be patient that my pain will one day go away with True Light and advanced medicine. I also need to be patient that my living situation will change. Being patient while staying strong in my faith is challenging but I digress.

I'm glad for all the moments that lead me to change my attitude on how I live my life. I live with a positive attitude as often as possible, even when in utter agony and stress; I keep the positive attitude because I know I'm not alone anymore and that people really do care about me. More importantly, God has never abandoned me and I know he'll always be there in my hard times and I'm more appreciative for that than words can truly describe.

April Showers

2011-04-26T14:52:00.001-07:00

The last 2 weeks have been full of activity. I qualified for the medical exercise study with PCOM College of Philadelphia (updates on separate entries), was fired from Mr.Rose for taking his Dad to radiation treatment, was dumped by Lazerruss, went for walks, did some gardening and was given final warning with my landlord on rent. This is all separate from dealing with the fatigue, pain and insomnia from the weather changes; and the joys and excitement of getting closer to going to the primary course for kenshu.

My knees have been in extreme pain to very uncomfortable since the qualification exam but that was to be expected. I spent a day in bed with that and had to tell Mr. Rose, "". Once I managed to get a hold of him, he basically pulled the condescending superior attitude of negative gratitude while telling me to take care of my health as that truly is priority. I don't know who will be taking his father to radiation treatment for prostate cancer but, it wouldn't surprise me if he just doesn't arrange anything for his Dad as he can't stand his father and is very narcissistic in his view on life. (negatively of course)I no longer have any kind of cash flow as a result but, being able to sleep in, let my body rest, not get all stressed out at being taken for granted while trying to do my best to set a positive example to Mr.Rose and his family, and catching up on my cleaning was very appreciative and well missed.

Lazerruss didn't call me after our wonderful date. I managed to get a hold of him 2 days later only to be told his heart wasn't ready to get involved with me. His loss; and I pray that whatever heartache he's still dealing with that God helps him work it out so he can be happy with someone.

The FMS support group I go to had a 'Friends and Family Night' and it was nice to see everyone with someone and I found it very amusing hearing the couples talk playfully about who does what at home. It was also an eye opener to hear from the family/friend who didn't have FMS and how frustrated they get when they don't know what it feels like and don't know what's really the problem. It comes down to best communicating as we can to our loved ones. I also felt lonely as I didn't have anyone there with me. My one roommate offered to go next time and I got chewed out for not asking him. Big communication lesson.

Then the day after my last time taking Mr.Rose's father to his radiation treatment, I came home from running errands to be confronted by my landlord on what I could come up with for rent,etc… I told him I had no income still, I can't work for him due to legal conflict being a tenant and employee. I was told that then I would most likely need to move out in 3-6 weeks if I can't find a way to at least give him $200-300 per month until I get my SSDI (whenever that will happen). So I went to Mr.Photo's and half way to his house I broke down in my car. I cried so hard at the thought of being homeless and having no way to take care of my cats, that I couldn't stop the sobbing. It was the 'pulled from your soul, crying hard, begging God' kind of crying. I hurt from the pain of seeing my life enter a repeating moment from my past. I went home later and at 2am posted an ad on Craig's List for a sugar daddy for financial support and I hated myself. I didn't and still don't want that. I met a man, Curly, out of that fiasco who didn't reply to my ad for what I intended for, so God answered my prayer. I removed the ad and now have a friend. He is dealing with heartbreak in the rawest sense so I hope I can be a positive influence on him until he bounces back. I know he was a very positive influence on me and he left me glowing from the inside out that lasted into the following day.

The rest I just take one day at a time and hope for the best.

Mioya Motosu Mahikari Omikamisama

Qualified for Medical Exercise Trial

2011-04-20T14:03:00.001-07:00

Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine is looking for healthy
volunteers with Fibromyalgia!

If accepted for the study, all participants will have osteopathic
treatment or passive exercise on a moving table. Blood will be drawn
several times throughout the study.

I qualified today. I'm sore as can be as they used the 18 point exam for the pressure point test.

I'm going to whine and complain a lot but I'm so grateful to Sunokamisama and Christ that I've been given the opportunity to be a part of something that will help someday in the treatment of Fibromyalgia. The one doctor says that I could probably qualify for a few other Fibromyalgia studies.

Pray I have the strength and courage to keep going each week; and everyday between in my daily activities.

~and I will hold on hope....and I'll find strength in pain....~Mumford & Sons "The Cave"

Lazerruss

2011-04-12T19:22:00.001-07:00

This entry is dedicated to all those who are single and living with Fibromyalgia.

I have been in contact for some time with a man that found me on an online dating website. His username caught my eye and was what led to my responding to his communications. I liked that he has good communication skills, traditional traits that are sadly lacking in today's society. Being honest, trustworthy and respectful among other things were key to my wanting to meet him. Our chemistry on the phone and internet has been intense and we were both curious to see if that carried over in person.

Lazerruss is very forthcoming like me and his spiritual beliefs encouraged my trust in him as a person. I was able to let my guards down and really let him get to know the inner me. I answered his questions on my medical problems; we even talked about my impatience on getting treatment for Narcolepsy. I know I need to educate him on the 18 pressure points as he accidentally hit one with a playful pat on my butt. He opened his heart to me by telling me of his loneliness, fears and things that happened in his past that led him to seek out a person like myself. This too let me trust him to tell him about my life and my experiences.

If he asked a question, I answered it honestly; some had reasonable amount of fear and hesitation but I still was honest about some incidents. He knows things about me now that only my closest friends, counselor and God. I've never let myself open in this manner to a man, especially on a first date. I touched on my struggles with my family, peers, how Mr. Photo came into my life and about Neko. I talked a lot of how Neko got me through so much pain and heartache; how Neko was my angel manifested in the physical realm. I talked of my beliefs and philosophies. I showed my sense of humor, passion for life, let the chemistry flow and connected to the emotion is being laid down in the foundation building of us getting to know each other.

The night was full of firsts for me and he enjoyed watching me experience things for the first time. "You have a very cute innocence about you." It was lovely hearing his observations of me and his first impressions on me. They were great compliments. I experience going to a fine dining restaurant, The Desmond, and had luscious crab cakes for dinner. Seeing how the restaurant functioned as a unit, from the staff to the place settings, was incredible. I'm grateful that my parent's insisted on instilling etiquette into my upbringing. Lazerruss opened doors for me, although he didn't close the car door a few times lol, held my hand as he escorted me to and from the restaurant and store we stopped at. He was caring, compassionate and very protective. The way I believe a man should always be to his lady. His actions pulled at the walls I've built around my heart.

And that's where my lesson on Faith kicked in. I have to keep having faith that God is guiding me to the man I'm meant to be with. It may be Lazerruss or not. This night gave me hope back. I got Hope back from the actions, words and beliefs this man has and that meant so much to me as who I am. This journey I'm on has been hard, harsh, excruciating and full of sorrow. God has always been there and it's going to be okay. I just have to keep believing that it's okay to feel the slow bond of love and the process of getting to know one another. I also have to keep faith in that there truly is a man out there that can accept me, my health complications and stand by me no matter how tough it gets at times.

I still believe that, whomever he is, that the man who sends me roses for no other reason to make me smile will cherish my love for all time.

John 11:1-14

1 Now a certain man was ill, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 It was Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was ill. 3 So the sisters sent to him, saying, "Lord, he whom you love is ill." 4 But when Jesus heard it he said, "This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it."5 Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 6 So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was. 7 Then after this he said to the disciples, "Let us go to Judea again." 8 The disciples said to him, "Rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone you, and are you going there again?" 9 Jesus answered, "Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. 10 But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him." 11 After saying these things, he said to them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go to awaken him." 12 The disciples said to him, "Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover." 13 Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that he meant taking rest in sleep. 14 Then Jesus told them plainly, "Lazarus has died,

Lessons for the Heart

2011-04-12T18:35:00.001-07:00

Health- My physical health has been doing fairly well as can be; I'm able to go for walks more often and enjoy being outside in the garden at Mr.Photo's home. However, my fatigue and exhaustion are great due to my waking up early to drive one-way (25 miles) to the Gonzalez household to take Poppi to his daily radiation therapy for prostate cancer. Señor Gonzalez is undiagnosed with either dementia or alzheimer's and it's very stressful. It's very much like dealing with a 5 year old who doesn't listen to what they're being told. It leaves me stressed out and worn out. Yet, I enjoy spending time going to and from their home, despite the fatigue and exhaustion so that he can get to his treatments. The driving has started making my lower body joints achy and stiff. I now have to stretch more often during the day just as if I was working at a desk.

Support Group- I went to my first Fibromyalgia support group last week. Located in a church in Limerick, PA, I was very nervous but very determined to go to this group. There was a driving need to connect with people who knew exactly what it felt like to have Fibromyalgia. The other members were very supportive, positive, encouraging and I learned a lot. I learned about all the different overlapping medical problems we all have and it's all different just as we are all different as individuals. We had some good laughs as it was just us girls but it was still informative. Vitamins, doctor discussions, exercise, medicine and just hearing what our low's/high's of the week were. It felt good talking about my highs and lows. I know I will be going again and as often as possible. It also makes me want to remember information I learn and pass on to them. I also talked about dating/intimacy issues that were concerns of mine as I'm single trying to find a mate in life who will be accepting of my having Fibromyalgia. One woman hit it on the head with a comment that reminded me of some steps in the Twelve Steps programs: Accept that you are powerless over your condition and trust in your Higher power. (For me it's Sunokami and Jesus Christ)So I went home extremely exhausted but light in spirit knowing I was in a good group.

Family- I had a great time with my Dad in a father/daughter weekend. I went home for car repairs and to get the tires on my car switched. We hadn't had a father/daughter time together in over 9 years. Last time was when my Dad moved me and Neko from WA to PA. (Long time to wait for a fun weekend)I made him Thai bok choy and shrimp stir fry, we watched cartoons and just relaxed. It was awesome and so positive. Good for our rebuilding in our relationship. My sister also made contact on her own for her own reasons just to say hi and send funny text messages. I loved it and was so happy to hear from her. It was also good to hear how happy she was on her birthday.

Faith- My spiritual health is constantly being tested in matters of Faith. I have to let go of my fears and accept that Su God and Jesus will guide me through my time of stress. I know they have always been there and always will. I just have to remember that and to accept the lessons I'm given in matters of Faith. I'm also looking forward to completing the Primary Course at the end of the month and becoming a Beacon of Light to others. It's very much like being a minister but not quite. I will learn more during the course.

"Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods" ~ C.S.Lewis

Gratitudes

2011-03-17T20:17:00.001-07:00

The past few days have been full of lessons both large and small, with equal impacts on my sense of self and the larger picture on the world around me. I've been bed ridden with pain so massive I wanted to go to the ER but couldn't get my phone to call anyone nor was anyone home to help me when I was crying out in pain. Surprisingly, I've been very grateful to God for everything he's put me through this week. And, it's all good.

My physical health has been giving off full-blown flare-ups in physical pain that has been challenging my positive strength and attitude. I received a big piece of news but had already been prepped of the possibility that this occurrence, would well occur. I received my first denial for SSDI and now start my first round of appeals. I am waiting to hear from my lawyer as to what needs to happen next. It sucks, I cried and felt terrible, hopeless and at a loss of what to do next. Then, my neighbor's dog Shadow was barking so I went outside to see what he was barking at, and I guess he was lonely too. So I started petting and talking to the little guy and it resulted in my neighbor coming to see why Shadow stopped barking. After a while, we end up discussing faith and I felt better about the SSDI news. It's going to be okay; I may not know how I'll pay rent or where I'll be living in the coming months but I know that God will provide like he always has for me and my pets.

Gratitude= bad news means strengthens my faith in God

My relationship with others has grown much deeper today too. I took Mr. Rose's father in for his cat-scan to make sure the gold-screws for his radiation treatment were in place and was given a chance to see fully what Mr. Rose lives with in terms of stress. It's hard. His brother, who is a 35 yr old autistic boy, is getting worse, his mother was quiet and frailer, and his father needs to be diagnosed for either dementia or Alzheimer's. It's no wonder he doesn't feel hope in his life any more. I was short-tempered and irritated to the max after just an hour of being in that environment. I went in with an attitude of, "I'm here to help give transportation to create positive karma to this family," and ended up with a headache and irritated. But, as the day went on, I was given another lesson of humbleness and joy. I got to enjoy watching this couple of 40+yrs, shop at a thrift store in a crowded neighborhood and they had a blast. They were like little kids at Disneyland. I was amazed, truly amazed at the reminder of how a kind gesture of giving transportation made them so very, very happy. Not to mention, it gave Mr. Rose much needed peace and quiet to himself at home. Even more surprising was when I was told, "Mija, go pick something out and we buy for you, Si." No argument was permitted by me and my heart was full of joy at being called 'daughter'. I was really a part of this family and they are a part of mine. Immediately upon returning to their home, I told them that should they ever need me to go grocery shopping or anything just to say so. I don't work and it's not a problem. We just have to be finished by 1 so I can be back to my home for my appointments. And they smiled and told me I was a blessing. Wow!

Gratitude= giving of myself selflessly creates joy in others

An act of desperate need of love this morning gave me a profound sense of acceptance. I had to accept that I cannot change another person, only they can change themselves. I sent a Happy St.Patrick's Day text message to a former lover in desperate hope that he had changed to where he would want to date with no demands of sex. I knew he hadn't changed and I feared hearing that he hadn't changed but I sent the text anyways. Not long after opening my mail this afternoon and reading my SSDI news, I reached out again to follow up to him calling me from that text. I was told, 'it's silly to be platonic after having had sex with a former lover." And, I didn't agree with that as I have a few friends that were former lovers and we have a great platonic relationship. Just in this particular person, we couldn't change our beliefs to the benefit of the other partner. I won't change that I want a man to love me for me and not my vagina; and he thinks a woman who he's fucked in a friends with benefits situation, shouldn't deny sex in unless dates happen first. Basically, what I want and need isn't in him. I need to accept that and move on. This too was a very hard lesson on me. I could think of a bunch of negative barbs in response to his perspective but I won't. It doesn't serve any purpose except to create stress (which I don't need). Then Shadow barked and over time I felt fine.

Gratitude= I am not alone, I am loved and God is still with me

Today was a day full of gratitude lessons. I had plenty of opportunities to fail and I did falter but that's how I learned. Now, I just have to hold those lessons to heart and keep moving forward on my journey through life.

"...when comfort and warmth

can't be found I still reach for you..." ~Muse

Detachments

2011-03-16T05:35:00.001-07:00

Health

Yesterday, I had a full-blown Fibromyalgia attack that was mainly in my left leg. It started around midnight and became crippling by 1:45 a.m. I managed to get out of bed by 11 a.m. to put up a short post and to using the bathroom; then go back to bed. I loaded up on as much Aleve as I could stomach in hopes of passing out as the pain was too much. I slept until 5 p.m. There is no known reason for this; it wasn't the weather as everywhere else ached like normal with the coming rain; it wasn't food or vitamins or stress as I had a pleasant day that day. It was just a Fibromyalgia attack for no reason.

I was able to feel the depression coming on as I was mentally fighting the pain. I cried a lot. I prayed and begged God for relief a lot. I apologized for any sins in a past life that could cause such pain. And, I begged God to not abandon me during this battle in my body. When I was mentally loosing strength, the depression came in the form of, 'what man would want me like this' or 'how could anyone want to love me this way'. It broke me down and didn't really help fight the pain. My 2 cats came and sat in the room and sometimes hopped on the bed to be near me. So I knew I wasn't really alone. I could also feel Neko's presence and that comforted me as well.

Relationships

My counselor and I discussed in yesterday's session how I am going with my pursuit of a good man and positive people. We talked a lot on how I need to detach myself from my problems involving my relationship with my father so I won't hinder anyone I get to know. I also have to learn how to detach and go outside myself when I'm around my Dad so I can accept his ways and his choices on not changing to make his life better. (health wise) It has made it easier to get to know people and not feel the burden of such a stress of helping a person when it requires more of me than I should give. As such, I've weaned out the BS of men who are still married and up to know good, men looking for a booty call and men that there is just no connection with. It's fun but can be irritating at times. All par for the course of dating.

Spiritual

It seems the universe is giving me the same lesson on detachment lately. I asked my mentor for some guidance from the spiritual perspective with helping people that are surrounded by negative karma. It's hard but I also have to detach from the situation but still maintain the altruistic love, acceptance and positive vibrations when around these people. Mr. Rose in particular has been a strain on my spirit; it hurt knowing I can't fix his anxieties or ease his fears. I can only be there to give positive feedback and just be a shoulder for him to lean on when he chooses to make the changes he has acknowledged that he needs to do. He's just afraid to do the change to make his life happier.

Its hard sitting back and watching people struggle. I want to help in so many ways to ease pain, troubled spirits, fight negative vibrations in the world and give hope to others. It is a hard task and I want to do it. I just have to stay detached from the situations and just focus on being there to generate positive karma.

"He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment." ~Meister Eckhart

Warp 10 Mr.Worf....Engage

2011-03-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

I was up all night crying and begging for relief from pain. I prayed a lot to God for my sins, this life and past lives, and just mentally fell apart as my left side (from hip to toe) was in a full-blown Fibromyalgia attack. No reason other than every kind of pain imaginable, I felt. Burning, ripping, throbbing, tearing, crushing, wrenching, achy, pulling pain.

My only thoughts were to get through it until I had taken enough Aleve to knock me out so I could sleep through the worst of it.

I also lost my positive focus and cried thinking, "what man would want me like this?"

It's hard enough explaining why I don't work but this was too much. I'm still in pain but it's isolated to my left knee and I'm exhausted. I'll be in bed most of today.

Brave is getting out of bed when you know you can't move.

February….

2011-03-12T16:04:00.001-08:00

February had so much going on that I didn't get one itty bitty post in. Sorry to all who read this.

Health

It took me all of February to recover from being sick after the sleep study I had on the 1^st. I had to wean myself off of caffeinated coffee as much as I could. I'm down to a full cup of regular coffee and 1 50/50 caffeinated cup of coffee. I don't ever want to suffer the detox migraines and vomiting ever again. It's not worth it. My body went into severe and I mean severe fatigue and needing lots of sleep (no rest included). I did get a little educated on the different levels of where the brainwaves hit during the sleep stages and N3 is when the body actually recharges itself, not REM sleep as everyone assumes. I don't hit N3 stage for long, maybe 15 minutes and I skip back and forth from N2 and REM stages. http://www.sleepeducation.com/Topic.aspx?id=59 Combine that with alpha-delta frequency and WHAM, you've got narcolepsy. I'm to start taking Xyrem for the narcolepsy but I'm being held hostage by my medical insurance. http://xyrem.com/ I've also been pushing myself hard every day to get walking in. I'm up to two miles a day and it's very painful. It feels like my knees are being hit with a hammer at times and I've now got knots the size of golf balls on my calves. I'm upping my potassium intake but it's still painful. So, I caved and bought an electric blanket to help with the aches with the weather shifts, muscle aches and it just helps me sleep better. Granted, I'm sleeping longer or more frequently during the day. I'm suppose to keep track of when I sleep and what I'm limited to daily for my SSDI case but it's been hard remembering to do so.

Relationships

I tried getting involved with cop from a different county but learned fast that cops don't really have time for themselves so we remained friends. I stood up to the Lawyer but in a positive, honest way so that he couldn't get me to be angry or guilty. It was nice being able to say no to his sexual advances. I've since posted an ad on Craig's List in the personals: strictly platonic section to seek a positive person as a friend in hopes of it becoming something more. Only Su God knows who I'll end up with. He knows who is best for me and me for him. (Whoever the lucky man is).

Spiritual

I am also learning a lot about how negative energy/karma affects people and the world around us. It's giving me a greater sense of gratitude towards God and has changed my perspective on how I handle my health. The Light that I'm permitted to receive helps my Spirit so much and I always ask and hope that any Light I receive passes on to others, so that that, they too will receive positive energy/karma to help their Spirit.

Lessons

I've finally learned and accepted that the reason why so many of my relationships fail in the past is that I keep trying to change people and I can't do that. I know it stems from my Dad and other family members not wanting to change and that is where my difficulty lies. I now approach getting to know people with an altruistic attitude and acceptance.

"Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood."

Moving Forward

2011-01-29T15:03:00.000-08:00

Well it's taken a while to post here again as I was dealing with the worst of my grief with Neko's passing. I received his ashes back on January 17th but fell apart at the vet's counter; so Mr.Photo had to take Neko home until I could come to accepting that he really was gone. I brought him home a few days later and he now rests on the top of my bookcase between some plants.

I also completed the second step to the SSDI application process by completing more paperwork. And I mean a lot! There is an Adult Function packet and a Work History packet that is required for part of the review process. Once my attorney looks everything over it'll be submitted for the next step, which is more waiting.

My car accident attorney is still collecting documents to review before deciding if I have a case for a law suit or not that result in my going permanently disabled with my back and FMS status.

All in all both will be another 60-90 days before I hear any status updates.

Counseling wise, it is going well. I'm already feeling my way through emotional pain and have since let up on a massive amount of binge-eating. The positive result from a psychological standpoint is that I no longer carry around the emotional pain and the positive physical standpoint is that I have lost 15lbs in 2 weeks. (with hardly any additional exercise)

I know, cool beans, right?!!

So now I have to begin working on really doing the pain management work of my counseling therapy to really tackle some of the aspects of living with Fibromyalgia. Currently, it's just charting and logging when I'm in pain, why and where and then give it a grade on a scale of 1-10 for many different categories. (more on this later)

I've also seen my rheumatologist for my 3 month check-up and we're going to be increasing my dosage on Lyrica to 150mg in the a.m. and 300mg in the p.m. to see if that helps with the pain levels and level out my sleep patterns more. She was also excited to hear about my counseling and how my counselor specializes in pain management as my rheumatologist has lots of patients that need this counseling too.

I felt good knowing I wasn't the only one...One more things we Fibromites have in common.

"Never, Never, Never Quit!" ~ Winston Churchill

Sad Start to 2011

2011-01-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

This year starts off for me on a very, very extremely sad note. My dog, Neko passed on into the spiritual world on Friday, January 7th. He was 12 years old. My baby boy and furry little angel.

I miss him so much.

My body hurts so much from all the crying, sobbing, and crying. My nose is sore both inside and out from blowing my nose so much. I think my eyes finally stopped burning after the first few days.

He was the only good thing my ex-husband ever did for me. I was homesick, all alone and didn't have any friends. So he let me get Neko but Neko choose me. Neko saved my life from suicide during that abusive marriage. He taught me how to keep going, push forward and was my comfort. Whenever I felt like running away from life, I could cuddle up with him, play, talk and watch tv with him. He was my world for so long.

The last few weeks of his physical life, he started to become aggressive and tried to attack myself, friends and roommates. We all thought it was from him being in pain with arthritis. My Mom speculated that he may have had a stroke and it caused him to be confused a lot. So I took him to the vet, thinking I'd have to put him down as a result of the aggression and potential violence. Turns out that wasn't the problem at all.

Neko lost 8 lbs of muscle from severe arthritis in his hind quarters. His kidney's were shutting down, which was why he was vomiting a lot the few days before his exam. He wasn't pooping much and when he did it was strange looking. All signs of kidney problems. His bladder was, as a result working too much and the stone stuck in his bladder was speeding up the bile in his system. The worst was finding out he has cancer and it had spread to his brain...hence the aggression.

I cried a lot and spent a lot of time at Mr.Photo's for long stretch's of time. I took it day by day and told Neko to let me know when he had enough. I also prayed a lot for as much time as possible but more than anything to give him love and guidance to be closer with God when his spirit departed his body.

It still hurts not to see him around. I miss his welcoming bark when I come home and so many thousand little things.

He held my eyes until his heart stopped and I broke after that. Took 3 times to make it back to Mr.Photo's truck just from all the sobbing. I'm so glad I wasn't alone.

Neko had the last laugh though. His body didn't expel any fluids afterwards; it confounded the vet and he had to check several times to make sure his body was dead. LOL! Good boy! He had me laugh even when he died. (even while sobbing)

I see him in my dreams often, feel his presence too. He's still my little guardian angel and will be with me always.

Neko had the best life, he was pampered, spoiled, cherished and so much more. I know he isn't hurting and he's very happy romping through the woods he calls heaven.

“The greatest treasures are those invisible to the eye but found by the heart.”

Year's End

2010-12-31T20:26:00.000-08:00

This has been a very educational year for me; in many different forms of health. Physical, mental and spiritual.

I've managed to put my healthcare priorities first just after my spiritual well-being. Having a positive outlook on life has proven to be more effective in my acceptance of living with Fibromyalgia than I would have originally thought. It's brought me to be able to have more faith and courage to fight fears, be honest with myself and to embrace what I've long wanted for myself, a more fulfilling life.

2010 in review, has had long depressing months, with episode of apparent suicidal thoughts. Destructive actions with being involved with a few men and heartbreaking by having to say good-bye to those acquaintances that were never meant to be. The Gargoyle and his Black Faerie will always have a special spot in my life and I'll always love them but, my journey in life has taken me in a different direction. I am sorry for any pain I may have caused and I too have forgiven for any slights by them and others like The Warrior and his wife.

Starting the year with the passing of a beloved friend Nichole McDowell, an angel returned to heaven, set the tone for the year I was to have. I saw her fade and wither away to breast cancer but I will forever hear her love and laughter in my memories well into the next life. Her passing reaffirmed what I should have never strayed from within myself and that was doing what I believe to be honest and to have more faith in myself and strengthen what I did have in, in God.

My Uncle helped me onto the path of knowing Divine Light and gave me a higher purpose to want to do the same for others. To give hope, inspiration and altruistic love to all. To be able to find courage, be self-motivating and face fears. Above all to know love in all forms and let it heal from the spirit outward.

I know I have many, many lessons to learn in life, some mental, some physical and a lot spiritual, (which feeds the former two) and let it pass on and guide others in the manner that the lessons have guided me.

Like today, my lesson and a good one especially in lieu of it being the last day of 2010, was to understand my fear of love and to strengthen my faith that it's okay to be loved by another. I was researching articles on phobias of love and came across a quote from the bible. I went and looked up those verses and felt good knowing that it will be okay to accept love from another person. To let God truly guide a man to find me and be with me in partnership through life. I can also apply the lesson from those verses not just to my fears in having a lasting relationship with a man but to ease my fears in other areas in my life. Even those fears based on my health limitations with Fibromyalgia.

So instead of ending on Auld Lang Syne, I'm going to end the year with verses from 1 John 4:17-19 in hopes that any who read these, can also have love in their life to give their life hope and strength to fight the hardships with Fibromyalgia and all else any would encounter throughout their journey in life.

17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 19 We love Him because He first loved us.

Over the Holidays

2010-12-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

Well it's safe to say I need help with understanding what forms of protein will help me. I'm going to look into whether I can get assistance to see a nutritionist that will help me formulate a better food structure.

Then, with the Christmas holiday, I fell one year to the day from my car accident, on my knees and pelvis pre-snowstorm. I'm going to go for an exam tomorrow and most likely expect to go for x-rays. The fall completely aggravated my back, hips and neck. Not to mention my muscles ache and fluctuate from stiff to loose.

I met with a pulmonary specialist and have 2 sleep studies scheduled at the end of January. He's going to look to see if I have sleep apnea and narcolepsy.

I've had to get new glasses; left eye has gotten much worse. -225L/+50R

I gave baked cookies and homemade fudge as gifts this year and really enjoyed the looks of surprise on everyone's faces. I didn't expect anything in return from anyone. But, Mr.Photo was concerned with my health so he gave me a Snuggie, a hoodie and a Swivel Sweeper so my hands don't get overworked or back strained from using the vacuum.

Lastly, I decided that I'm sick n tired of being depressed with low self-esteem so I met with a counselor. I'm happy with her technique and she is going to have me do this program to breakthrough my pain-relationship patterns, depression, build self-esteem and stop comfort eating. As my Uncle states, "It's like the 12 step program but for other reasons (not alcohol)." He says I'm on the equivalent of step 5 of the 12 step program that AA uses. I know it will be a lot of work but if I can make any improvements in my life that will keep me moving forward positively then I will be more than eager to do the hard, hard work.

I plan on posting the program process so that anyone with the same depression, esteem problems that also aggravate FMS can use the methods to help them as well. I also will do the same for any other medical professional assistance I receive.

I just want to help as many who read this blog as much as possible by letting you learn from my experiences through my treatment journey.

"Hope is putting your faith to work"~ quote from gift I received from Sister.

Brrrr....

2010-12-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

Baby it's cold outside!! It's given me some setbacks on having energy and concentration to do more research on protein and the different amino acids, or which vitamins to take to counteract some of the effects of eating certain foods.

So as soon as I feel a bit more flexible and can be at my computer desk for longer periods of time, I hope to have a post up soon on my next bit of research.

Things that make you go boom

2010-12-05T06:25:00.000-08:00

I've been doing more detailed research on vitamins that I may be lacking in my diet. I got the idea from watching Dateline one evening and how one story was on how women at various ages either get too much or too little vitamin D. Of course, this got my noggin' thinking and I pulled out books and online references to see what I was taking and what I should take vitamin wise and mg wise.

For those of us that suffer from Fibromyalgia and other Chronic Pain syndromes we need the following vitamins in our diet: Amino Acids (protein), Calcium, D, E, Folic Acid, and Magnesium. Seems I'm still lacking in those areas on top of the vitamins I already take. I currently take: magnesium, milk thistle, iron, A, B2, D, multi-vitamin and occasionally potassium and zinc.

I had to look at the purpose of each vitamin and why its so essential.
Protein helps with muscle repair and energy.
Calcium is good to help sleep but can cause constipation if you're a chronic sufferer. Which I am so I have to take calcium with magnesium. It's recommended in this case to take it 50/50 each day. So half in the a.m. and half in the p.m. Magnesium helps with muscle relaxation. I take 1000mg each night to help with restless leg syndrome.
Vitamin E is also good to stop restless leg syndrome; and leg/foot cramps. I need to add E to my regiment.
Vitamin D helps the blood to absorb the needed nutrient but also helps prevent osteoarthritis.
Folic Acid helps with cell formation and repair. This is beneficial for FMS patients when our energy is down. (helps with FibroFog)
MSM (methysulfonyl methane) helps with pain and inflammation.

Those that suffer from rheumatoid arthritis or mimic the condition, Fish Oil and Flaxseed Oil will help with pain and stiffness. So we have a lot of options out there, it's just a matter of finding the mg balance and when to take the supplements or where to change our diet.

For myself, I found that in the morning, its best if I take my multivitamin, Iron, A, B2, D and some magnesium as those give me energy boosts and ease stiffness from my muscles. I know I need to add calcium, folic acid and amino acids. At night, I take magnesium again, milk thistle (liver detox), and I know I need to add calcium to this as well. I have to take 1000 mg of magnesium. 100 mg of B2 (this was discovered as necessary after having stroke) and I need to add vitamin E for my skin and pain management.

I still need to talk with my pharmacist to find out what the correct amount of calcium and vitamin D I need as I take a lot of medications. Apparently, our medicine's cause vitamin absorption to act differently. So it's all a matter of science and trial n error.

I have noticed an improvement with my fatigue and sleep since I've tweaked my vitamins for morning and night. I just want to get the inflammation down and energy up.

This is all very challenging as winter is here and going outside in the cold wears me out so very fast.

"Well ordered self-love is right and natural" ~ St. Thomas Aquinas

Walking It Off

2010-11-30T18:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Mr. Rose and I started our exercise regiment. We ended up going to Ikea and walking the store; when you stop and think of the layout we probably put in a minimum of a mile in walking. It's amazing how fast you can put in mileage just by walking in circles around displays, strolling through aisles and looking at products. All I know is by the time we got out to the car I was physically exhausted but mentally awake.

Today, my hips and low-back region hurt. My joints ache and the muscles are sore. The weather flux today isn't helping as it's contributing to the inflammation in my hips and left knee. Still, I digress forward.

I've been doing a lot of praying and can feel some emotional heartache welling up as a result of a burden that is in the process of lifting. I have the urge to cry a lot. Part I know is backlash from the stress of the past few days and part is from a spiritual growth I'm going through. I'm grateful and humbled by what I'm learning in life at this juncture.

I still have my dreams and hopes to work towards/fulfill. So, I know I'm going in a good direction.

I watched on the news tonight how women can get the wrong amount of calcium in their system. Either by too much or too little; so this is something I want to look into as what I should be taking and then go talk with my pharmacist. I think I should look into all my vitamins and make sure I have the correct amount that I should be taking and if all at once or twice daily. Hard to say.

The most amazing thing I noticed today and on most walks with Neko lately is that there is still a yellow rose in bloom in a yard on the corner of the street. It makes me smile as that was the symbol of hope given to me in a dream that I would be with my soulmate and never alone in this life.

"you give me presents with your presence" ~ Jack Johnson,musician

Catching Up

2010-11-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

I've a lot to catch up on. I haven't written on here for a very long while due to depression, a lot of life events and I felt I lost my focus on why I started this blog in the first place.

So after my birthday, I had to find a new place to live as I was on edge of eviction. I now live in a semi-rundown home with 2 other people; one being the landlord and the other a really nice person. Both have good hearts but the landlord is a bit short in the common-sense department. As both men are hardly here due to their jobs, I've pretty much the house to myself. I maintain the common areas, the bathrooms and keep to myself. Unless sports are on then we're all yelling at the T.V. My pets have adjusted to living here and my dog is aging on me fast. He has arthritis.

I officially have been recognized by the county I live in as permanently disabled and now receive state medical insurance and live on $215 a month with welfare. I still get my 2 primary meds for Fibromyalgia via the manufacturers.

I am still in pursuit of a lawsuit against the other driver that caused my back injury and led to my being disabled. The Fibromyalgia hasn't been able to allow me a reprieve for long as a result.

And, with winter here I'm exhausted a lot. I've only enough energy for a few hours at a times and when I do get a huge energy boost, I have to make sure I let it stretch as long as I can. Sucks!

I'm trying to do more reading on the condition and joined a few online discussion groups via Facebook. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this but its as frustrating to read that so many have so many complex and overlapping problems with this illness.

I still want to do a realistic documentary movie one day on living with Fibromyalgia.

As for the rest of my life, I've no boyfriend or significant romantic person but I do have my friends. Mr.Rose and Mr.Photo have been really supportive and so have my folks. My Mom is motivated to taking steps to prevent herself from getting worse and I'm so proud of her. I'm still in school working towards my dreams of writing for others. And, I start an exercise plan with Mr.Rose tomorrow that he is doing as well so we both can loose weight, get in shape and hopefully improve my health with FMS. I'll be posting the break-down of how we put this together and the slight differences we made for me with the FMS verses what he'll be doing.

My spiritual journey still continues as ever before. I'm learning new lessons everyday and still amazed by the depths that humbleness, gratitude and altruism can take me. It's opened my mind to perspectives I wouldn't even known in the past. I can only hope that it helps me to continue on my path of truth and compassion for others.

So many need love and love comes in so many forms; it's a priceless and precious gift we can give each other with no expectations in return.

Not all who wander are lost ~ Tolkien

Turning 30

2010-09-18T05:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've turned the big 30 and life is over or so I'm told. I was looking at it as the 20's were very shitty and the 30's will be much more rewarding and positive. Yet, I've already started off the next decade of my life on crappy notes.

Over the weekend of 9/11, I went to spend time with my family to give gifts and make dinner for them instead of them doing the cooking and giving. I love them very much and wanted them to see and feel how I loved them. It was worth the fatigue and pain that came later.

I have been in pain and limping a lot due to the weather changing and lack of rehabilitation. I do my best to keep as much support to my back via core control and posture. Leg pain, not much I can do but work through it. So I've had to call off quite a bit in the past week or so. I couldn't do much when I was at work. As a result I was told I was no longer needed for the assignment and was laid off. I have to call back in a few months when I feel better. Not a bad birthday moment of loosing your job due to your body crapping out on you.

Still I persevere.

Everything happens for a reason. I'm not sure what my lesson is to be from this past week but I think its along the lines of doing too much, not staying positive and loosing my faith has drastic negative consequences. So many prayers of apology, gratitude and appreciation to God for the changes he's guiding me through. I do believe I'll end up where I need to be and also in better physical shape.

My current goal is to walk without a limp for a mile before the end of the year.

You gotta do what'cha gotta do~ Futurama

2 for the price of 1

2010-09-10T02:04:00.000-07:00

I finally lost my will to fight Fibromyalgia all together. I've pushed as hard as I can for as long as I could. After getting the kidney infection, I just can't bounce back anymore. I'm struggling with the season changing into autumn, I can't stay awake, or get sleep; at work I'm struggling to remember how to do basic tasks that I have a ton of notes on. I've been there long enough to know what I'm doing.

It left me with no choice but to be honest and proactive at work. So I had a meeting with the contracting firm I work for, met my new supervisor and updated them on my disability, which apparently my former supervisor failed to mention in reports, etc...The new Sup was very understanding, appreciative and amazed at my bravery at being honest and forth wright.I just want to leave on a positive note as much as possible. It's not fair to myself or anyone that my health has gone sour.

I also informed the reporting boss at the job of the same thing and stated that I'll stay on as long as possible until I reach my limit. I'd say 2 months and to be prepared for potential delays or call out with the weather fluctuating. She too was very appreciative and glad to have a good idea how long she has to get a replacement.

I want to leave on good terms for everyone; not just in case I can return to work one but, its the right thing to do.

This has left me waiting to see if I will go on short-term disability with the contracting firm or if it will make me unemployed. I've already contacted a lawyer for SSDI and will start the long, long process of getting on federal assistance. I hope it not to last more than a few years to recover.

I still need PT for my back and sciatic nerve damage. I need rest, no stress and to just focus on school and letting my body heal from all the accidents and infections.

I may look into that FMS clinic in King of Prussia. They're nationally known so its worth checking out.

Not much else to say except, I met with The Lawyer again and as much as he's changed, he's still very shallow and transparent in his needs. At least this time he could visibly see how poor my health is. I'll help him overcome his selfish ways but I can't get involved as it would drain my health too much as it is. Too demanding.

I know you've suffered

But I don't want you to hide

It's cold and loveless

I won't let you be denied

Soothing

I'll make you feel pure

Trust me

You can be sure

~Muse (Undisclosed Desires)

Vanishing Winds

2010-09-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

I feel like that I've been on a ship sailing to nowhere; to a place that never really existed. I accepted the vessel and the cargo it carries but this ship sprung a leak many leagues ago and has been taking on water during its course. Vanishing winds have they become so there's no more movement under the sun?

That's pretty much a summed up metaphor of how life has been for me. I've struggled a very long time with the burden of being giving a body that is highly sensitive to any kind of pain. From great sex, laughing too hard, stubbing a toe, getting a paper-cut, car accidents, physical abuse and on and on it goes. I made a promise a long time ago that I would do all I could to keep going no matter what pain I'm given in life so long as I have someone in my life who would accept me unconditionally and love me just the same. I agreed to stick around for that promise. The time has almost come to where that promise won't happen as this ship is sinking fast. (me)

The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Nevertheless, I continue by choice, to give to those in need. In need of help, compassion, encouragement, understanding and acceptance; so they can believe again that its okay to let go of the pain that they've internalized and made into their own burden. I'm okay if that means to be used, taken for granted, and taken advantage of. To me that means the pain is leaving their life and all that will be left for them is joy and happiness to get back up and go after what makes them happy and fulfilled. It's a small price but it's something that I believe in and hold to.

I go to work everyday with Fibromyalgia. I'm so cold my joints hurt. I have never-ending pain that shoots down my right leg; not even Ibuprofen is helping anymore. My low back aches all the time. I have soreness in my neck. Acne all over my body. And, now my face gets hot and red a lot. It's actually making bumps appear on my cheeks. It's like a hot-flash but not. So I dress it up, put a smile on and put my mind on my work and wish someone could see for a moment that I just want to drop where I stand and scream in utter agony as the pain that runs in my flesh, blood and bones. I'm tired all the time. I feel weary, very weary.

If you promise not to fade away

I also think I did right by helping Sarc out. He's much freer from the bitterness that's held him back. He seems more carefree and relaxed. Plus I think I've been able to help him have faith again in that he'll be with someone that he deserves. He said he's been talking with a woman and that gives me hope that he'll finally have the happiness he's been wanting. If at all I managed to help give him the needed push in the right direction so he has his own Starlight, then to me, not being involved with him past Sunday is worth it. Everyone, no matter who they are, deserves a life of unconditional acceptance. I gave him that and I have faith that it will get him to where he needs to go to find his own starlight.

I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

As for me, it may seem odd at first but I know that when at work all will be well without any awkward moments; might have a few dorky one's but hey it's me.

I'm also going to go to a concert for the first time in 12 years and thought the person I asked to go with me would be a good choice but I'm having doubts as I don't want to put up with alcoholics. Still, he's down on his luck so maybe it will get him back on his feet, feel better about his circumstances and whatever discomfort I face that night will be fine.

And, I'm finishing up the loose ends in my life by taking care of making sure I have everything taken care of in case I have to uphold my end of the promise I made 15 years ago. I pray it doesn't come to that but I honor my promises no matter how sad they are. We'll see when my birthday has come and gone as to what part of the promise I face.

The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

~~~Muse

Sarcastics need not apply

2010-08-31T18:30:00.000-07:00

The last week or so has been very fast paced. Work is flying by on time, I close a chapter in my life with one person, only to open it up for another; and I will reach and exceed a lifelong dream of getting a book published. Fibromyalgia has been ever present on a continually daily basis and I know there won't be an end in sight for a while until some stress goes away.

Which is why I put in my 60 day notice to vacate my apartment. I can't take living here anymore; mostly due to the financial stress. Having to choose between health care and rent, I'm going with health-care. I actually had a few moments last week where I wondered if I could actually survive on ssdi and knew I couldn't. I'm now 16K in debt and that's not including my student loans that are racking up. I also don't have much medical coverage. Just enough for 6 visits per year and nothing more than to see a family doctor. I have to pay out of pocket for everything else.

I still go to the local farmer's markets and try to save there. I cut back on eating meat and feel pretty good physically. Of course, every once in a while I get a hankering for steak so badly it's ridiculous. I'm down almost a full pant size and busted my bras. LOL! Hurt like a MOFO but the bruise is fading and the cut almost healed from where the wire broke free from restraints.

My love life has been fairly quiet. I put a lot of energy into being encouraging and supportive to CD but we both knew that it was over. He'll always have a special place in my heart as he came along when my life needed his help. I learned a lot about myself in the interim. Like what I do like in a man and what I don't. All the moments we never had was what I was waiting for to happen. He just wasn't the one I was suppose to do that with. There is someone out there who would like a home-cooked meal, a shoulder to lean on, unconditional acceptance, laughter and a positive outlook.

At least that's what I tell myself every single day to get through the days.

Then, I met Sarc. I actually met him a few months ago and he's been in my frame of mind for most of the time I was giving CD support. I could sense Sarc's bitterness, heartache and envy of what other couples have that he didn't get. I could tell by his tone, body language, and aura (yes, aura) that he's been trampled on by one too many females and its left him sensitive to trust or even put a full effort into trying again as he can't take getting hurt again. It's that raw.

And I wanted nothing more than to help him get past his pain so he could be happy, free from heartache and find someone to share his humor with.

I started working my way in with the usual, Facebook request, small talk, emails, and then a lot of emails. I found out later, he thought I was weird. It wasn't until our chemistry was sizzling that I pointed out I found him extremely attractive physically, intellectually and more.

Eventually, Sarc couldn't resist me anymore and I ran out of patience combined with lack of subtlety. So he came over and we had a great night of sex, making out and even lovemaking. I actually could relax, not be afraid for myself and my only concern was that he was okay spiritually. (matters of the heart) We had a few passing moments where we saw each other in our insecurity. The caresses that followed were so tender and so genuine and so full of heart that I knew I would want to do whatever it took to help heal his torn spirit and mend his wounded heart. It made me realize in reflection that what I was missing from CD and so many others was the genuine openness that Sarc and I had that night. I told him, "you already have my unconditional acceptance," and I meant it.

So time will tell where things lead with us but, I know I made a friend and I hope I helped a chain reaction of healing for his own wounds he hides away so well from others.

As to how this effects FMS, well, I was sore Monday and I'm still inflammed today. Sciatica is really bad and so are the back spasms. I have slight cuts from our foreplay and I don't mind. It was awesome. He took awesome to a whole new level.

The other good thing to happen in the past week or so is that I'm close to finishing the books I'm making for my parents and my sister. It may not be mainstream publishing, but a book is a book and it was my goal to have something published by the time I turn 30. And I will have accomplished that. And I couldn't have done this without support from Mr.Photo.

I am not sure what direction I'm headed in life at this juncture but I know that so long as I can help people find their joy again and give them back their hope, then it's worth whatever suffering and loneliness I go through. Giving a person something I never had is to my perspective, very miraculous, wondrous, selfless and humbling. I do it because someone should and since no one else has stepped up, I decided to. I don't have much to offer life anymore but I know I can do that much for a stranger in need.

"My heart- a companion to my wounded soul/You quell the fear that owns too much of me"~ Brent Bourgeois

Burdenless

2010-08-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

Well Saturday I was still in 'basket case mode' with having too many people's energy pulling at me and I did my best to help everyone but going the next step on my spiritual journey, I felt like someone was stabbing my heart over and over. The ache was just so agonizing and it did aggravate the FMS via insomnia and muscular burning-pain.

So I went out to my mentor's house to receive Light and it was very intense. I just kept praying for God to take the pain away and let me go. I felt so ashamed and was tired of carrying that burden of shame around wherever I went. I didn't (still don't) understand why I had to endure such a shitty life and still end up alone. It's hard to keep hope alive when all you want to do is curl up in a corner until you fade away.

Yes, sounds dramatic but the amount of crying, sobbing, heart-wrenching cries of loneliness was enough to make even the most stoic to soften enough to care.

The burden lifted as Light poured into my body. I actually felt a hot burning sensation go straight through my back to my chest via the heart. Like a charlie horse and you feel the tension relax the leg as the pain fades; well that's how it felt but in my chest.

I felt and still feel much better. I don't know how I managed to have a sudden bout of depression, feelings of hopelessness and like I had a pointless existence. I know I am here for some purpose and I believe its to help others. Yesterday, just happened to be a day where I needed help. True, loving with compassion help.

I think things will be okay and I have a few goals to focus on. And, one day, the man in my dreams will become a reality and it will be worth it. I'm just glad I used common sense and sought out a friend to guide me past the pain in my soul.

I guess some wounds run deeper than realize when going through a thorough spiritual cleansing process.

“You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness. And then let God do the rest." ~ unknown

Finalization the End

2010-08-20T23:06:00.000-07:00

My life has been a journey through pain of all types. Heartache, physical pain, suffering in my soul and I feel so alone.It's gotten to where I don't know how much longer I can keep on staying strong, faithful and persevere through the pain of my body and life.

It's gotten to where I can sense profound amounts of pain in others; it eats at me. The continuing strength of trying to be so compassionate to everyone wears me down.
Plus every moment of joy I've had has been taken from me as soon as I start to believe it will last. I should know better than to believe my life could improve at all.

I failed at the original purpose of this blog and it ended up being an online journal of sorts. I'm just so weary of living that I go to work with a smile on my face for my boss and just hope to make it to the end of the day. I'm in pain all the time, I have no insurance coverage and now I'm moving to get out of the nightmare apt's I live in.

I go to rent a room in a woman's house which means, I'm taking a slight step back in life and not getting very far. I don't feel successful anymore. I am sleeping but only after my mind wears itself down.

Then, I do the right thing and end it with CD as his family needs him more than I do, regardless of how much I love him, I love him enough to let go for good. I'm terrible with timing a good chance meeting with a good man and the circumstances aren't good as he's still reeling from a breakup over 2 years ago. It hurt him badly. I told him my story and he was more surprised that I shared it with him now, not years later. I took a leap of faith and missed the mark.
Then Mr.Rose wants to meet but I know he won't show or call. That's just how it is.

And I decided so long as everyone shows up, on 9/11 to celebrate my b-day since it falls on the following Thurs. I won't make a big ta-do about it, I'm just going to give them the scrapbooks I made and leave it at that.

Then if no one has found me by my actual birthday and no one wants me; I'll compose a will so that my pets are taken care of and end this life.

The pain is too much and the burden to great to bear alone. I just want to have someone to come home to, to help me when I can barely move, to be kind to me and find me beautiful. I don't think he exists and I'm so close to giving up entirely.
I hope for everyone's sake that whoever this person is that I need, that he gets here soon.

I Will Rest In You by Jaci Velasquez

Tell me that You love me for the fool I am
And comfort me like only You can
And tell me there's a place
Where I can feel Your breath
Like sweet caresses on my face again

2 weeks in August

2010-08-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, the first two weeks in August have been full of a lot of health issues. Or Fibromyalgia related in some ways.

Mainly my fatigue and blackouts was occurring more frequently but I persevered. I did so more out of fear of loosing my job than anything else. I made an appt with my primary doctor and was also suppose to go to see my rheumatologist for a follow-up visit. So the usual battery of tests were ordered and I gave a urine sample. I had a slight elevated white cell count and a bit of bacteria growth in the urine culture. Outside of that nothing wrong. Oh, and I only gained 2 pounds since the last time I was there.

So I was to monitor everything, from food intake, energy and if any blood were to show again in my urine. I had a blood clot prior to going in to see my doctor but of course nothing the day of. So on the 6th, I was in so much pain, I had a lot of blood in my urine and since I didn't have very good insurance, I didn't go to the ER. I did however, have Mr.Photo keep an eye on me for a few hours as I was feeling very suicidal. More from the standpoint of the pain was too intense and no one would believe me since the tests came back saying nothing was wrong. Even my doctor was floored as to what happened.

CD speculates I passed a kidney stone and that's why I was in so much pain. Last week, on Wed I went back in to the primary doctor's office for an emergency appt to get tests run, etc... My white cell count was higher and the bacteria was more predominant in the culture. So I've been put on a very harsh antibiotic as I have been diagnosed with acute, bilateral kidney infection. Meaning both my kidneys are out of order. This explains the sores on my legs, the ab pain/swelling, back pain and nausea. The the bladder pressure and urinary tract pain as well.

So I have to be sure to keep myself on tract with the antibiotics and drink lots of water.

The Fibromyalgia is okay so long as I don't stress myself out. I ran out of Lorazapem so a few nights of insomnia were the result of that. I felt hyper non-stop. I have hives gallore all over my neck. I may start to decrease the Lyrica from 225mg to 150 mg soon. I have to find out what forms are needed to submit to Pfizer so I don't go without. I still don't have prescription coverage.

Therefore, I've made a few financial decisions so I can take better care of my health. Mostly being I will move out of the apt I live in and move in with a few people. Partly so I won't feel so alone and partly to save on money. I'm tired of where I live, its noisy, the people are disrespectful and I'm still having bad allergies as I really believe there is mold in the apt. I get more sinus pain inside the apt than outside.

I'm also going to find a spring marathon to walk in as a fitness goal. I found my old photos when I was 16 and did the Bloomsday Marathon out in Spokane. I walked a lot to deal with my health and stress from daily life. I stayed in shape and managed to get some rest. So I know I can do this and it won't cost a thing but going outside and enjoying nature while I walk. And I did all that on no medication as everyone chalked my discomfort to being a teenager, not a teen struggling with constant pain and recovering from sexual abuse by my peers at school. The fact that I lived through it and managed to walk a 7 mile marathon across a city tells me I can do it and will do it. I'm sure there are plenty around Philly to go to and I want to do any I can for Nicky as well for Breast cancer.

My love life is on hold and my heart aches in the worst way. I love CD so much, that not hearing from him is getting too much to bear at times. I'm falling apart. I really miss hearing, "Hi Beautiful" and his laugh. I feel so selfish for wanting even that much from him with all he deals with being a surgeon, taking care of his family and giving support to his ailing spouse. (divorce on hold due to cancer treatment) so I have no place in his life right now. I want to always do the right thing and no matter how much I love him, I won't cause him more stress if I can help it. I just wish I could help with errands, or make him dinner or anything that could help him get rest or conserve energy for his other responsibilities. I still have faith we'll be together, it's just going to be different this time. But, its been so different from the start with CD. He's worth waiting for; I've waited my whole life to meet someone with compassion and understanding for myself and for others, that it is worth the heartache and loneliness.

It has given me time to become more empowered and confident in myself and my abilities during our time apart. I just feel so lost on how to make sense of it all. I don't want to loose my Giuseppe. I just know we can't go much further than we have for the time at the moment.

"When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don't resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends. Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go” ~Bible

90 day review

2010-07-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

Yes, its practically been 3 months that I've been working now and its still amazing how much has changed in such short time. I'm becoming more open which has allowed me to go much farther on my spiritual journal. I've become much more proactive with my health. And, many of my relationships are changing with those I love and care about.

My spiritual journey has led me to some amazing places of the heart and soul. Chance encounters with people have triggered those long buried happy memories. I'm able to let go more and forgiveness is easier. Plus, wanting to be more positive and having a God-centered way of life empowers me to believe I can keep going, that there is a reason to everything I've gone through.

I'm doing more stretching in the morning which has improved my lower back and right hip pain levels/inflammation. The organic eating has taken away a lot of vitamin consumption and I'm now more regulated with bowel movements. The down side is that I'm now susceptible to coffee as it has the same effect that red meat does on my knees, which in inflammatory pain without the actual inflammation. So I'm in rebound headache city. Eek!

But, Fibromyalgia reigns supreme and its a nasty sonofabitch! I've gained 15 lbs in the last 6 days. I've actually watched each morning as I no longer can't fit the same clothes I wore last week. Even my old fat tops were tight. I haven't been this fat since I moved to PA in 2002. I'm tired all the time. I'm having mini-second blackouts at work and as soon as my body moves I jerk awake. The only time being the bathroom. I don't wake up until the lights shut off from lack of motion. It's taking all my energy to get to work everyday and to get through the day. I'm slow when moving and I'm not feeling as socialible as I once was.

Which brings us to my 90 day review at work. I'm still a contractor but, to sum up what was discussed: I'm making mistakes and my absences are being felt with productivity. My boss is great; she's very blunt yet tactful, compassionate while maintaining her professionalism and given the last few weeks, I'm glad she has the approach she used today. We discussed what I need to work on, where I felt problems lay in and my health. I told her, "I just don't know what's wrong. I really don't. I won't know until I see my rheumatologist and that's if she can figure it out. I'm having blood tests done from everything for pregnancy to the end of the list. I haven't felt this frustrated since before I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia."

So we're at a waiting point from my health. Long story short, unless a miracle occurs, I don't think call-outs are preventable. I'm not handicap, I can take care of myself, it just takes my body a certain combination to get going. I just don't know the combination.

It's only been a week since the transportation blessing occurred and I have to stay strong on faith that my life and the events that happen in it, will work out. There is a higher purpose and I'm just on a new lesson. As I discussed with my new Bible study friend, "God doesn't give us anything more than we can't handle." So, I just have to tap into those emotional cores of steel that is very much a part of who I am and just keep going.

I've accepted that I will be living a much meager life compared to many others. I don't mind. I don't need fancy things, I just want a lasting loving relationship with someone I can come home to each day. I just need a lasting loving relationship with my sister and brother. I just need to know that I can be there for my parents when they need the help. And so much more. I don't care if I live in the middle of nowhere in a one room shack. So long as it keeps the bugs out, has water, electric and a place to store food, I'm happy.

Who knows, it just may be where I'm destined to be after all. Time will tell.

"The moment you entrust yourself thus, so that the mind set upon say the Name arises within you, you are brought to share in the benefit of being grasped by Amida, never to be abandoned."~ Shinran, in the Tannisho.

Gratitude and the slow down

2010-07-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

The past week or so has been hard on me physically. I've been pushing myself each day just to get through the stress, to stay positive, stay focused and figure things out. (with God's guidance) And, today it just yanked my chains hard.

I slept really good last night, the first in a long while and woke up refreshed, energized and ecstatic about going to work. By 9:30 I felt like someone gave me a super-shot of fatigue. My body hit a proverbial brick wall and I crashed fast. I think I fell asleep off and on through out the morning. It took so long to do some work that normally only takes me an hour or so. I decided to go outside for my 15 minute lunch break and ended up falling asleep for 30 minutes on a bench. When I came to, the only thought I had aside from trying to get up to go back inside, was why were people looking at me strangely. I found out by the time I got home how bad I looked. Mr.Photo and a woman at the leasing office said I looked extremely pale.
I took a nap and only woke because my pets walked all over me. And my feet and hands hurt, my arm muscles ached and I felt more fatigued. I was also dehydrated.

So Mr.Photo came to my rescue, he picked up some groceries, which I paid him for when he got here and he said I didn't look as pale but need to get back to bed. I plan on it shortly. I'm hoping to hear from my boyfriend but it might not happen.

On a side note, back-tracking a second here, I was having a short lunch as I had a goofed doctor's appointment yesterday. And I needed to make up the hours. Turns out I had my schedule wrong. Oh well.

I'm a tad amused by events lately. The person I sold my truck to, who is deaf but very hot in a beach body sort of way, started hitting on me at the title transfer office. He's cute but not interested and I love my CD.

My folks will be stopping down on the weekend to do the title transfer on Mom's car to me. I am still so grateful for their help and how God made things work out. God really is wonderful and loving. I couldn't love him back enough and just hope I can do my best at living a more centered life around him. I feel uplifted, happy and at peace. (even when stressed)

I'm also starting to work on my gifts to my family. I'm going to give gifts this year for my birthday instead of receiving gifts. I wouldn't be alive for health and had my suicide attempts been successful. So, in my own "It's a Wonderful Life" moment, I wanted to show and tell them my favorite moments with them with some photos and words. I had to really let go of my fear that my sister won't come but I have to go on faith that she'll be there.

I just hope with everything that I'll be able to get energy back and get back on track with school and fitness. It's still one day at a time right now.

All things in our life while here happen for a reason~ Job 38:1-4

Blessings

2010-07-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been a real test of faith. Not to mention having to push myself to be introspective and understand how I can be more positive no matter the situation. It's been a real mind-bender.

My truck broke down earlier this week when we had rain. Thought something had come loose from the battery again. I thought I was going to have to walk to the train station but Mr.Photo gave me a ride. (He's such a sweetheart) We ran into the same problem the next day; so I had to let CD know that I'd be walking to the train each day as I'm so broke I can't even afford to take the bus. So it meant getting up an hour earlier just to get to work on time.

The surprise I got was CD needed to see me to make sure I was okay and give me a few dollars for the bus. I love that man. Plus it had been weeks since we seen each other and I just soaked him up. Woof!

I took my truck to Firestone, and told them to call me when they found out what all was needed to be repaired for my upcoming inspection. They didn't get very far. The cables to my batter are loose, wires bare, coolant leaking everywhere, brakes gone, starter/voltage regulator needs replacing and that adds to other repairs like truck door fixed, sunroof window replaced, new seal for sunroof, key made for the doors and more. I don't them not to bother, its just not worth the amount of money to put into it. I barely have enough to cover for them just looking at it.

So yesterday, I walked home as I didn't have a ride and I really felt it. I thanked God for reminding me of what it was like having to walk home everyday like I did when I was married. It made me appreciate having a vehicle even more. My feet were so red when I got home, they were darker than my toenail polish. (melon color) And I couldn't stop shaking. I also have blisters on my achilles area of my heels from my sneakers. Then, after cleaning up and taking care of my boys, I find my folks had called.

They wanted to know the situation and then really, really surprised me. And this is where the blessing came in. They want to sell me my Mom's car as she wants to go get a new suburu (scooby-doo) and they don't want me to get hurt from walking etc... esp by winter. I just broke down in sobs on the phone that's how much they caught me off guard. And I know how much they love me. Our relationship has just improved and I'm still amazed at how much we've changed since I moved to PA years ago.

I did sleep very well last night. Exercise really was another part of the lesson of yesterday's walk home. No matter how much I hurt each day, I have to get that walk in. It has a big impact on my sleep and good for long-term health.

I'm now even more dedicated to helping others by learning how to write more effectively so the reader finds hope in themselves. It can happen and it will happen. I may not have much in life to offer but I can offer myself to others. I just pray I have the skills to assist them when the time comes.

show Gratitude in all things in life! ~ Sukyo Mahikari

A New Chapter

2010-07-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

I'm entering into a new chapter in my life. Having become more faithful in God and learning more about Sukyo Mahikari has given me a new sense of profound happiness. I feel more capable at focusing on positive while in a negative situation. I'm enjoying the challenge of my constant dietary changes. And, I'm meeting new people with positive spirits.

I went to Manhattan, NY this past Sunday with my mentor Olivia. She's a wonderful woman, very kind and very fun to be around. She helps me to receive Light and helps guide me when I have questions pertaining to changes I've been making. We bonded on the drive up, she shared with me how she met her husband and I talked about my CD. I also spoke of my health, my past and my purpose that I believe I'm to achieve.

The dojo was very positive and full of light and harmony. Many were receiving light when we arrived and then the ceremony of Thanksgiving to God took place. The prayers were moving, the stories and the message the director gave helped me in matters of choices that needed to be made. But, further still it helped me accept my family and the choices they make.

When a person receives Divine Light, its healing the spirit and if it has any negative attachments, it will cleanse itself through physical detox. Mine started immediately while there. I was in pain, severe fatigue and had warts appear on my palms for most of the day. I slept on the way back.

The Lincoln Tunnel sucks monkeyballs!!! Effing traffic and warped drivers.

The next few days, the fatigue was bad and the pain gradually increased until last night where I could only walk my dog once and just lay in bed and cry. CD called when I was crying and surprised me saying he was on his way to see me.

We have seen each other in weeks.

He was concerned with the Fibromyalgia and wanted me to rest and heal. He also is concerned with my truck not working and that I'll have to start walking to the train station each morning. Weather permitting of course. Bus times are too inconvenient and I could get to the train station by the time a bus came near my home.

So many blessings occurred, a lot of positive changes are taking place and yes, the Fibromyalgia is agitated but I can handle it. Today is a much better day.

Yesterday, my bones felt like they were slowly crushing while my joints were inflammed and my skin itched. I was moody, slow in motion and just tired.

Still I'm so grateful for everything that has happened to me in the past few months. It led me to make my life better and hopefully starting to help others.

Everything happens for a reason.

Catching up

2010-07-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry, it's been far too long since I posted on my blog. I completely failed at maintaining entries on my Adventures. It's been a learning experience for the past few weeks.

Work is great; I really enjoy what I do but I had some moments that I'm ashamed of. Total lack of common sense. I was going through finals over a week ago and tried to multitask, I think I blew a mental fuse as normally I would have only worked on it on my lunch break. I was even dumb enough to ask if its okay to work on it. The look my boss gave me was like, you can't be serious. I'm also trying to learn as much as I can but I have to be able to distinguish where I need to separate job functions. AP verses Purchasing at times is confusing and others very straight on. I know I'll get there. I've been doing AP only a certain way so there's a slight learning curve.

I went home to hang with my folks over Father's Day weekend and gave my dog a haircut. Found out he had fleas so I had to use what my folks use on their dog. A few days later when I returned home I found he had an allergic reaction and had a bad chemical burn on his neck where his collar sits. He had rash spots, and started chewing himself raw in places. The worst was when he tried to chew threw a paw. I wasn't able to get him in to the vet as I still owe them funds so I had to find what I could to help. Mostly what I could remember from what I've read in books on rashes. I gave him an oatmeal bath to scrub the BioSpot off him, then a soothing chamomile bath. Then just kept giving him Benadryl every few hours. Hotspot to keep him from chewing any further and just gave him a lot of loving. Poor baby. He's much better now. Neko has a new collar, still gets Benadryl on occassion and a good rubdown.

My one cat, pester Chester, has been living up to his name. He keeps swatting the alarm clock off my night stand when he really wants me to wake up. I had to start keeping extra toys in my bedroom so he'll leave me be.

Things are still good between me and CD. I found myself in love and yesterday told him I love him. And, I do. Took a while to admit it. I could feel the twinges weeks ago but wanted to be sure it wasn't infatuation. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks as he's busy taking care of his ex-wife and kids. I pray for her daily as she has Thyroid cancer. It does kill, just not common but her genetics go against her as she's lost a few relatives recently to the cancer. So her treatment is pretty radical and it means he has to take her to DC everyday or find someone to take her and he looks over their kids. I'm proud of him for doing the right thing as a person. It also gives us a chance to build our emotions on the few moments we have together. I keep in touch daily with texts, emails and the occasional voice message. It has been trying though; I miss him so much that I'm happy to even just hear his voice on the recording. Between cards I gave him the last time I saw him to the emails, I can stay connected with him and know it helps him. I try not to worry him about me but sometimes I can't help but tell him how my health is and feel guilty for telling. But, I don't want him upset if I hadn't told him. So, lately, I just do a lot of praying and hope that if it's in God's will, we'll see each other soon.

My overall health has been stable. The past week was hard though. I had a hard time getting out of bed last week and ended up going in 5 hours late to work. The fatigue just hit me so hard. I haven't had that happen in so long. I had to talk with my boss and we just both hope it doesn't happen often. Or I could have job stability issues. So that set in motion for me to do an elimination diet. I am still eating as organically as possible and I feel good. Yesterday I tested caffeine and sugar. Processed sugar, even sugar packets for coffee trigger fatigue. Caffeine not as bad, it just makes me low on energy but not to the point of being immobile. So I'm adjusting to giving up coffee completely as I don't like it unless its sweet.

I also wanted to have a head start on the fatigue and weather so I spent the weekend prepping fresh fruits and veggies I bought at the local farmer's market. So I have my freezer and fridge decently stocked for meals that won't heat my apt up. Having longer days due to taking the train cuts back on how long I can spend in the kitchen. By 9 I'm completely wiped out.

Then yesterday, on the train home, the driver stopped suddenly instead of the usual gradual stop and I ended up slamming against the seat with my lunch box between me and the seat. Needless to day my back and hip hurt; I was limping a bit today and regardless of what I ate or drank the fatigue was bad. Then I had a very bad vertigo episode. Turns out that was more allergies than anything. Go figure.

So here we are, all caught up and I will do my best to get back into daily postings.

The Results are In

2010-06-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

It's been a week now and I've a few results to report on changes and try's I've done in the past week since my last entry.

I had always wondered if there would be any real physical change that was really noticeable if I ate strictly organic foods verses non-organic. I was pretty amazed at how good I felt after just one day. Not to mention, the food has a deeper sense of taste in the flavors. I felt like I was and still am on sensory overload but in a positive way. I've mad bokchoy stir fry, use plenty of organic jasmine rice, fresh in season fruits, etc... Wild caught fish, humanely grown beef and free range chicken are on the menu soon; I'm still trying to get my mind past the inhumane corporations are raising and feeding animals. Makes it make me not to want to eat meat again. But, I already know I need protein, so the least I'll stick with fish, lean poultry and tofu.

The best part of this is how much more energetic I am, the fatigue is not so great, I'm sleeping well enough to not need as much sleep aids. My ibs has been regulated, the fibrofog is gone for most days and I'm even able to do more physical activities. So the positives of going organic far outweigh the negatives. The other best part is I'm learning new methods of cooking and its awesome.

Work results are as follows: I love my job. I couldn't be happier with where God has put me and I know that I'll be useful there and learn things as well. Today I overslept, largely due to my cat Chester (aka Pester) knocked my alarm clock off my stand and I thought I hit the snooze button only it was off as well. So I was an hour late to work. Then I took a deep breath and had a moment of bravery; I told my manager that "since we're keeping an open line of communication, I thought you should know that about every 2-3 months I have to go in for routine checkups for my condition; Fibromyalgia." She asked if there were problems. I told her, "no for the most part, bad days I'm slow and in the winter I'm even slower. That I'm like the Tin Man who can't find his oil can." She laughed and said as long as I continue to show I care about my work she'll be okay with working with me to do what is needed for my health. Phew!

Dating results:
I'm falling in love with CD. I knew when I felt that painful ache melt a while ago when he told me he spoke to a PH.D on how to handle a certain situation, he told this Doc that I'm a beautiful wonderful woman and deserves so much. I wanted to cry so hard then and there when I heard that. The pain I've carried around was finally able to let go as hearing his words made the wait for my hope to arrive. CD is my hope and I've so much to learn and so much to give to him.

I worry that CD doesn't get enough sleep, when he was sick I worried that he wasn't getting enough fluids or food in him, I get excited when he sends me the Good Morning messages, and I want to hear so much about him, things he holds close to his heart, share in his interests and go be silly together. I want and still do those for him and more. I wanted to be near him these next few weeks as I could sense that we may not get much time together; so I made him a Hug Care package. It's a variety of cards, some written, purchases, with quotes on the outside and on the inside, bits about me, my thoughts, my humor, and my deepest thoughts and feeling for him. The look on his face when I gave him his hug package, that it is priceless; he went through so many emotions in a few seconds it made me want to kiss him.

So for the next week or so, my goals are to finish my current class. Figure out when to do my walking in my routine, pay my bills down, and doing more research on FMS.

“Love is not blind; it simply enables one to see things others fail to see.” ~Anonymous

Back tracking

2010-06-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry it's been a long while since my last post. Things have been hectic around my life as it is. Health, love, family, friends and work have all played a part in this. I'm learning new life lessons and coming to realize that there is something to be said about humbling oneself to another. And, that is an important lesson that God has been trying to teach me, stubborn as I am.

Two friends have told me about a documentary on food and how the way farming and animal raising has come to in this country. So I looked into it and I was thoroughly disgusted, saddened and I actually cried at one point of watching the documentary. Needless to say, it made me take a deeper look at what I'm consuming and where I need to make those changes. I've been keeping tabs on how I felt afterwords to see if there was any change in my health. Surprisingly there was.

I'll be doing all I can to try to eat as organically as possible, to make sure that anything I consume has no artificial ingredients, rice or corn syrup as well. It may be more expensive to purchase but, it's impact is much more positive on both animals and the environment. If anyone is interested read Omnivore's Delight or watch Food Inc. So I feel a great deal better. I don't have those cravings at weird hours, if I do its more mental than physical. I have more energy as well.

Having energy is good as I now have a job and getting back to waking at 5am is nice but my routine needs tweaking. I have to do what I can on the weekend, make meals that last a while, purchase microwave dinners, and have plenty of fresh fruit and yogurt on hand. I can only walk 3 times a week so I'm a bit frustrated that I have yet to meet my 5 day a week goal with working. Time will take care of that. I figure by the end of June I should be there.

I also incorporated ab exercises so I can tone my core muscles. It's been a confidence boost now that I can do that particular set of exercise. I've also been able to sit up straighter and longer at work and on the train. And the exercise has been very detrimental to my getting sleep.

Although, I have to go back to taking Lorazepam for a short while to calm my anxiety problem. The stress of just trying to make it to work each day financially is taking its toll on me. And this is where the new lesson of humility comes into play.

I was raised in a family where the cost of asking for money far out-weighed the original loan. The repayment was more in the way of emotional heartache, verbal abuse or negative condensing remarks towards one's goals. It didn't matter if it was your family, everything has a price. Granted things have gotten better and I have forgiven them for the way they are but, it did shape my fear of asking for help. Most specifically from anyone I was dating. CD has told me that I shouldn't be afraid to come to him for help on anything. I finally decided to start trusting him on that. It's hard, very hard to put myself out there and wait to see if he's honest like he says. And he is thank God. I am forever grateful and just want to be able to reciprocate for him and take care of him as well. He's a good man and more importantly a good human being. I had to learn to accept help and not be afraid of it. One of the constant struggles anyone would go through when it comes to acceptance. I just had to accept it for myself that its okay to depend on CD so long as I continue to change things for myself and repay my debts as soon as I start getting paid. The waiting is the hardest part but, that too will come in time.

So on top of all that, my bf the Faerie is pissed at me. She thinks my behavior is unacceptable that I haven't visited or contacted her in the last 6 weeks. The misconception is that I have been reaching out to her but I haven't gotten any responses from anyone until aprox 2 weeks ago. I spoke with her hubby (Lord Purple) and he told me to call her. I did, again no answer. So I let things settle; but I still pray for her and think of her and him often as I consider them my family here in town. I just wasn't expecting to receive such a response from her. I sent 2 lengthy emails with facts and an apology. I've also sent 2 ecards and will be mailing out her birthday card tomorrow. Plus, as soon as I get paid I'll be sending her long overdue flowers. I've no idea if its enough to appease her but, I am trying to see it from her perspective and understand where the misconception comes from. I'd feel that way too if I were in her shoes. I still love her and miss her and just hope she's recovering okay.

Tomorrow is the start of my first full week of work and I'm embracing it. I enjoy the train, seeing the architecture downtown and look forward to exploring the sites. Trying a different form of photography as buildings are different from nature; has to do with lighting.

Religion is for those who are afraid of going to Hell;

Spirituality is for those who have been there, and do not want to go back.~ Uncle Bill

YeeHaw!!!

2010-06-02T18:19:00.000-07:00

Oh the sweet joy of a hard working process of getting a job. I think it paid off today. I had two interviews and both were for the same type of role in accounts payable but the energy was so different between the two. Followed up with sore feet, needing a shower to wash the sweat off and the laughable frustration at Septa delays yet again add up to a very good day.

The first interview this morning was extremely professional. Corporate to the nine's. All out, very politically correct and for this company it should be. Dealing in charitable trusts and environmental concerns is very serious and glad that this company takes being accountable serious.

The second interview was with a professional but more laid back compared to the first company. The manager and I clicked well together in communication style and personality. Plus she has a good aura about her and so does the other person in the department. Getting a chance to work from the ground up in AP is great. I'd get to learn more aspects that relate to the industry, learn a new program and put to use other skills I have developed over the years. By the end of the interview we were all honest and I told them I felt like I've known them like we have a routine chat over coffee, etc... and the manager said she was so relieved when we started talking at how well I fit what she needs. She loved my background and when she asked when can I start, I told her tomorrow. I meant that. She said she would have me in except IT has to set up the cubicle and computer station. Plus a PO has to be created to cover the expenses of having me on as a consultant until the merger is complete. It will become a permanent position. I still can't quite believe it.

After all that hard work and waiting; I'm half afraid to wake up tomorrow for fear that it didn't happen. But, things happen for a reason so I know that it will go well.

The walking around town between interviews left my feet sore and aching. The heat got to me eventually as the air movement died down in the afternoon. It's not so bad so long as a decent breeze is blowing. I know I'll sleep good tonight as I had a regular full day and not use to getting up at 5:30am. It is nice getting back into the familiar routine and I know that I'll be okay tomorrow.

“"Live. Breathe. It is not fear that we need to live by, but joy, hope...."~Maharaji

Anticipation

2010-06-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

My oh my doing I anticipate tomorrow. I have two interviews downtown and I'm looking forward to it. Both companies are promising but I'm hoping for one over the other. Mostly due to medical benefits and the chance to be hired on permanently. The other position is a long-term temp job. I don't mind as I've done that before in the past but would like to have a solid employer where I won't be going anywhere for a long while. It's starting to get frustrating bouncing all over the place.

And, this morning, much to a shock, the Lawyer sends me an email that he finally accepted my invite for friends on Facebook. I laughed. I sent that last year and totally forgot about it. I did forgive him and pray for him but know there isn't anything there between us but mutual acknowledgment of sorts. I guess the mental exercises of sending out thoughts on how a person is doing does work.

My friend also finally called me back last night and he was able to lend me a few dollars so I can go to my interviews tomorrow. I'm so hope that there isn't a delay with my unemployment. I need to wash my clothes and pay rent.

My other concern with tomorrow is the fibrofog. I feel really spacey and have a hard time putting cohesive thoughts together. I just want to make sure I can answer the interviewer and not sound like an idiot. I plan on using the train ride tomorrow to collect my thoughts and just hope for the best.

All good things come to those who wait; and I've waited a long time!

The Lo-down

2010-05-31T19:37:00.000-07:00

The depression has gotten really bad today. I haven't been sleeping well for the past week or so and its starting to effect me big time. I originally thought that it would pass as it was a shift in the weather and my sleep would return but it hasn't. It doesn't matter when I go to bed or how many naps I take, I'm not getting to that deep recharging sleep stage. And I need it bad!

Today was hard on me from a pride perspective. I had to start hand washing my clothes in the kitchen as I have no change or funds to pay for the washroom. I have one drying rack so all I managed so far was my underwear and a few camisoles. Hopefully they'll be dry tomorrow so I can wash some shirts and shorts. It's very humbling to revisit the old tactics I had to fall back on when I was married. Use dish soap for laundry soap, paper towels and newspaper for butt wipe, etc... its not something I want to go through again but it is what it is. I still consider myself to be very fortunate to hang in there this far.

I had to borrow a few dollars from Mr.Photo so I could get my Cymbalta. This was the last time I would be able to use insurance to pay for the medication so I had to ask. It was that or wait another day and pay way too much.

I'm also hoping to hear from a friend to borrow cash so I can take the train to Center City for my interview on Wed. I'm just trying to make it by until I get my next unemployment check. Now I know to leave myself a few bucks for fares so I can make it to interviews. It's very frustrating and extremely stressful.

The stress and heat is making my face break out and I'm not sure the Proactiv will keep up. My chin looks like it exploded and part of my left eyebrow isn't much better.

I did measure myself to see where I am on clothing size charts. I want an accurate sense of where I am now and where I hope to be. I refuse to weigh myself unless its at the doctor's so I know from looking at the numbers its not good. The proportions are off and I'm not anywhere close to where I thought I'd be by now. Mostly as I haven't been allowed to do many abdominal exercising with my back problems. Everything else is toning but my gut is well a gut.

EWWW!!!

So I accept certain elements about myself and know where I get some of the physique from and the rest I just have to deal with. I know I eat okay and want to really step it up exercise wise. I'm actually trying to work up the nerve to face another social anxiety which is going to the fitness room on the premises where I live and go socialize and start to work on what needs to be worked on. My left knee is not so well. It's been giving me problems a lot lately. My hips are starting to loose some of the flexibility and I don't want to loose anymore. So hopefully there will be a seated exercise bike there that I can use. And a few leg machines. (press and curl)

"The hungry one inside is longing to be treated respectfully, to be accepted and in the very least, to be met without stereotyping. ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes PH.D.

A lesson on gravity

2010-05-29T21:56:00.000-07:00

Well what goes up must come down according to Newton and he's correct. I just wonder if he also meant that it works the same way with energy in the human body.

I have had an exceeding amount of mental energy these past few days and this caused me to loose sleep. I'd go to bed by 5am and sleep til noon. I felt wired, or like a kid high on sugar and enjoyed being silly. I managed to expand on a scene I've been working on in my head for the past few years. It started making more sense.

So I could tell that I needed to go a bit deeper on being more positive in my habits. This includes my thoughts as well as my actions. And its tough. From eating and having to constantly determine why I have the munchies, to seeing if I'm dehydrated, or if there is an emotional tie that needs to be addressed and cut-off. I'm also forcing myself to stick with my school schedule even in the midst of flare-ups. The feeling of procrastination actually makes me depressed so I have to change that habit as well. And, it wasn't too bad once I applied myself to the task. Studying school work is no different when doing the dishes; it has to get done and no amount of whining or goofing off will get it done. So why should FMS be any different.

It does feel good accomplishing these tasks and acknowledging the necessity for the change. I'm trying to think more positive on my weight and figure. I know I'm attractive but where I want to be physically is not working for me. Being too hard on myself will not be beneficial. I just have to stick with the exercises and go back to a food diary to see where I need to make some adjustments to my patterns in energy.

I finally was able to get a bit more rest but it was a fatigued sort of rest. Every time I woke from a nap I felt more exhausted than I did when I went to sleep. Turns out that as I have the AC unit on the air is making me more dehydrated as I sleep and until I get water I'm unable to get moving.

My lower back is been aggravated really bad lately. The sciatic nerve is pinched as well so I've been doing what I can on keeping the inflammation down. The rest helped somewhat but I know I'll have to do more PT. I just hope to get a job soon so I can get back to PT. I already panicked today when I saw I have one pill left on Cymbalta and my insurance runs out in 2 days. I don't even know if I have any refills left or if there's a way to get a hold of the doctor for some samples. I still have yet to find out from Lilly Co. if I was approved for any assistance.

CD and I are doing well. We have been able to chat more and have a few laughs. I will get to see him sometime this weekend and I look forward to it as I haven't seen him in 2 weeks. I always feel super happy after talking with him and that's one of the highlights in my life.

“Gravity is the ballast of the soul which keeps the mind steady” ~Thomas Fuller

Another Other Day

2010-05-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

My day today was productive. I was able to do school studies, exercise and follow up on potential help for CD's family. It wasn't too bad of a day; I do feel a bit of excess energy stored up but I know that all things considered, I've finally learned to pace myself so I don't spend all my energy up too soon.

Normally, my exercise routine is the stretching exercises that PT provided me to follow at home and some walking. I decided to increase things just a bit today to see how I would handle it. It wasn't too bad; it took some getting use to by having to constantly adjust my pelvis to stay in that neutral position. Once I constantly kept my abs tightened it was much easier to adjust as I exercised. The knee lifts especially needed everything to work cohesively.

School is going well. It's a bit getting use to getting back in the frame of mind of what the instructor's expectations are and find a good balance of what I expect of myself. Nothing short of being satisfied will do. And I can feel the awe build in me as I am learning new methods of perception for the reader, how to do focus-free writing and variables of arguing a point in a paper. It's pretty cool and I'm anxious to see what will happen tomorrow with our first class discussion.

As to CD, last night I prayed for him to have the strength and know-how to get him though this tough time he's facing. I prayed for his ex and their kids. And I prayed that I can be supportive enough as a person, as a human being since I can't do much else to help out for him.

On top of that last night I had trouble relaxing enough to drift off to sleep as I kept feeling the words match what I was feeling last night when we spoke. I know that a few times I've made mention that a good, positive person like him doesn't come along that often in my life and I struggled to tell him what I really meant. That fear of rejection played a little bit into that. I really thought he might not get what I meant or he would think too little of me if he knew the road I've traveled in life. But, I think it would do an injustice to myself as a survivor to not speak up and tell him those truths about what I meant. I didn't go into details but rather, stated the facts that I had an abusive life and never in my wildest dreams considered wanting to go places, do things or not nearly as grand as most would want. The most I figured in 20-30 years I might get that dream vacation or two but that was about it. I've never really looked past wanting a roof over my head, a real bed to sleep in, food in my fridge and to write so that others find hope for themselves. Books, music and a nice night out to a movie and Applebee's was about all I expect out of life when dating. That or Cheesecake Factory.

Oh yeah,mmmm, cheesecake....yum!

So I left it at that, that for someone like him to come along and just thinking that I really could have something wonderful to experience or hope for and that it would come true, really was all thanks to him. He got me thinking that I deserve it and I want to wait as long as it takes to experience that with him.

Life will always get in the way of best laid plans; its up to us to try to keep on living those hopes and dreams regardless of how tough the current circumstances are making it for us.

“When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out.” ~ Elizabeth Brown

Good grief

2010-05-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

I've finally been able to shake migraines; well, they've downgraded to sinus headaches. I had to do thorough cleaning of the floors, air conditioner filters, dusting and more. I thought the cleaning and having returned to normal bowel movements would have shaken off migraines but it wouldn't let up until last night. What finally made it better? A good cry.

I have been holding back the heartache best I can ever since I was laid off from work. I didn't want to acknowledge the disappoint I felt in myself at not getting a job. I know it wasn't entirely in my control and I was doing everything I could to get back in the best shape I could and it wasn't enough. Then, I had to humble myself and reach out to my family for help until my unemployment compensation kicked in. That too was a disappointment but I digressed. Then, I meet CD and I'm smitten. He's got a solid job, is educated, has an eclectic tastes in the same manner like myself. (although different) We've been growing closure together each week and I'm happy at the pace. I'm learning things. But, last night after 5 nights of not hearing from him, after chatting with a few friends I could feel the slight edging of doubt to set in. Then, while chatting with an acquaintance who propositioned we hook up for a night, made me feel disgusted. It was after overcoming so much I was still being hounded by the unworthy sort of men. Flat out, I was asked to cheat and I would not. I didn't care what rebuttal I was given to my responses, I wouldn't allow someone else to bully me into sex. And that is what broke the dam that had held back the tears for so long.

I thought for a few moments that maybe I was never suppose to have a lasting moment of happiness. That, in an analogy of sorts, I was an abused animal being moved from one shelter to another and the trip between was a tease of what I would never have. It just broke my heart. I felt in my heart and intuitively sensed that something seriously was going on with CD and his family. I stuck with that thought even while crying and sobbing into my pillow.

My boys reminded me that I made it out of the shelter and I wasn't going back; that I could hold onto hope for myself. My dog nosed his way under my pillow and licked my face until I was laughing. My cats took turns crawling around my head, purring and cuddling. I felt reassured that things were going to work out okay. This was a lesson in believing in myself, believing in my intuition as a person and a woman.

Many people forgot the road that is traveled for survivors of abuse. The heartache of knowing that not many moments will come along for a better life. Mine is a past filled with sexual abuse, an emotional and physically abusive marriage, bad relationships, lying to myself as a means to not face fear, and Fibromyalgia. The last year could have been my undoing but seeing as I've made it past all that and finally find myself to cherish what moments I do have with CD make it that much more meaningful for me. And, turns out, my gut was right, it is a serious issue with his family. Out of respect for their privacy I won't mention what but my thoughts and prayers are with them.

So, after CD and I talk, he tells me how he spoke with a colleague on how to handle his situation and me. He says, "I'm seeing a wonderful woman and she deserves so much better than to wait on me, how do I tell her." The truth was the answer. He kept it real and that brought tears to my eyes. It made me fall one step closure to loving him by his admission to another person how he feels about me. No one has done that so honestly, respectfully for me, ME!, in so long. I told him I didn't care on how long the time was between the moments we get to see each other. Having a positive person such as him in my life is one of the best moments I am happy to have just by knowing him. Just knowing that he respects me, knows and understands my compassionate nature, and his honesty in our communications to keeping it real goes so much farther on so many levels that it makes the hell I've gone through just to meet a man such as himself. I can only hope that time will give us more moments together and that it really is meant to be. I know everyone deserves to have that kind of lasting happiness.

“You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.” ~Keith Sweat

At a Glance

2010-05-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

When you pass an object by, the first glance you get is usually more often than not, what you base your opinion on of that object. The same can be said for health and relationships.

At a glance for my health, it's up in the air and I've no clue how it's going to pan out. I can't take a pregnancy test for a few weeks due to not enough hormones in the blood/urine to register a yes or no for being pregnant. Except for the migraines, I haven't had any other symptoms. It could be the PCOS which means, time for a change in pills. Not ovulating can have long term consequences as a woman. Our bodies, as women need certain hormones to help regulate our biorhythms. Hair, skin, nutrients, mood swings (poor fellas) and so much more. Not to mention, the part where when the egg doesn't release completely at some stage in our cycles, they cause cysts. And, should it go unchecked, can lead you to a trip to the ER and loosing your tubes. (actually happened to a woman I use to know)

From a FMS glance, the migraines are causing sleep problems. I slept from 2 am to 4 pm this past Saturday. Not good. I thought I had a cold or just from the weather ricocheting all over the board. I have been reading up on vegetarian dishes and found a really good Thai stir fry that I'm anxious to try. It's different and it also has a few veggies I've never had before so the after effects will be interesting.

At a glance with relationships, I'd say Mr.Rose and Mr.Photo and I, in our friendships are still going strong. I've been chatting with them a lot lately. From diet, school, job hunting and even about CD, I chat with them. It's good to have friends to call on when doubts set in. I know in my gut that CD is use to dealing with his problems on his own. He's the go to guy for his family and that's okay. It's just a hard concept to swallow on slowing down when trying to get to know a person. I'd like to know more about him. Just basic things like his last name, where he went to school, why he wanted to be a heart surgeon and so on. I haven't heard from him since last Thursday. I've been praying for him and his family; wishing I could give him a hug to boost him along or just to hear from him period. A few folks that I've spoken to think he's just not into me anymore. I think that if a person says they want to date you, take you places and more, then they mean it. Why would they say it if they weren't serious. I sincerely believe in the best in CD. Of course, should he change his mind, he has that right and I'll respect that. But, I'm still holding out for optimism. I already had my cry over fears taking control and giving into doubt. It's out and I can get back to staying positive and just learning to be patient.

Breathe in knowledge and wisdom; breathe out pain and confusion.

Migraine Management

2010-05-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

I suffer migraine's sporadically. Most of the time it is lack of food or sleep or even allergy related. Lately, I thought it was all of the above and no matter what I've done I can't shake this migraine. It's lasted several days now and I'm getting a bit worried.

I had to look online for some basic information on what causes migraines and a few seemed to hit right on the money for myself. Low serotonin levels, blood vessel constrictions and gluten sensitivity to name a few. I realized it wasn't allergy related as I haven't had any nose bleeds. I know its not aspartame as I haven't had anything that contains it. I usually just have splenda or go sugarless altogether.

I do think that it quite possibly be from gluten. I try to limit my intake as much as possible and know it slows down bowel movements. Today is actually the second time in months that I've had to drink senna tea to help things move again. Last time was a week ago and my headaches went away after I dropped a load in the bowl.

I also know I'm due to start my period anytime now and as it was early last month, it wouldn't surprise me to be late this month. I just hope that's the case. I hope I'm not pregnant as CD wouldn't be happy as we just started seeing one another. I also know I'm not in any shape to take care of a child, maybe someday but not now. Still, I'll welcome having a kid no matter the timing.

I also slept for the first time last night and most of today for the first time in days. I woke feeling good but had a migraine start up about an hour after I woke up. I tried Excedrin, a cup of kona coffee and food but none helped. I'm thinking of exercising in hopes the sweating will make this better. I know it helps when in detox stages of withdrawals but I haven't had this in a long time.

I will update my blog as soon as the head pain goes away.

My father actually has had a migraine for days. He went to see a neurologist about having his nerve endings between vertebrates severed. As my Mom put it, the doctor malled him. So he got his own taste of what a person with fibromyalgia goes through when having the pain centers pushed and prodded. Not to mention he's been out of work all week as a result from that exam. Hopefully things will simmer down for both of us.

“Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.” ~ Anonymous

Doubtful Days

2010-05-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

I've been dealing with doubts within myself and around my life lately. It's pretty much why there hasn't been a post in a while. I've been trying to make sure that I feel I'm going in the direction that I want to with my health, dreams, and other choices. It's been very much a soul searching experience that has left me feeling unsure of where to go from here.

For my health, I want to make sure I'm eating the right foods, doing what I can with exercise and staying positive. My low back and hip are feeling the effects from not having income and I'm unable to continue with physical therapy. I do the exercises they gave me to do to keep the muscles loose and the inflammation down but I'm not really progressing. I'm not sleeping well as a result. And, last night, I ended up eating a half-gallon of ice cream. Total depression and sugar addiction taking over; it felt very much like someone else was at the wheel.

I just feel like crying.

For my dreams, I start school in a week and currently waiting on my book to arrive so I can study. I'm excited at being one step closure to being able to put together all my research and characters into well thought out plots, themes and more. I get the sense that I will be faced with new challenges to overcome when it comes to making my dream a reality.

And some of the other choices I'm faced with pertains mostly with dating and letting go of more deeply buried heartache and pain from events long past. CD is such a sweetie. I gave him a mango last week as I knew he enjoyed them. He told me he has a hard time figuring out when they're ripe and doesn't get to eat them that often; so when I was at the store, I decided to find him one. The look on his face, the wariness of when I told him I have something for him and then it changing to delight when I told him what it was. Love it!! Since then he's calling more often and wanting to hear what I'm up to or thinking about. Made my heart melt a little.

Just goes to show that the little moments in life have the biggest impact.

Then, last night when I was binging on ice cream, I was fighting back tears and feelings of fear. I just felt afraid. Not life threatening per se, just afraid of my life, how its been and letting go of it. There's something to be said on how we as human beings take comfort in the familiar. It doesn't mean the familiar is always good but, it does give the sense of comfort in knowing how to predict and control the circumstances we face in life. For me, its always been struggle, abusive relationships and having a body that will always hurt in a way that is not visible to others. My changing my perspective on exercise and diet has forced that familiar comfort away. CD is thus far, proven to be a genuinely honest person and wants to make sure I'm okay; that too has forced the familiar comfort away. The only familiarity I have left is the financial struggle and I want that to go away. So I'm stuck with one I don't want and the other 2 are pulling at me to leave.

And that makes me afraid.

I'm so scared of positive change that lasts. In part, I know its from being raised by a woman who can't see she does that to herself, and in part its from being human. It's human nature to fear change. I always said that when I find a fear that is not life-threatening I will face it. Meaning it threatens to end my existence. Period. This is a different kind of threat; its the kind that says, "Sharra you've suffered enough, we want you to live, so go ahead, cry those tears and let go of the pain and heartache that's buried deep in your soul. Be free from your turmoil."

I managed to shed a few today. It's not much but its a start. As my Uncle told me, "when you take in enough positive energy from the universe, from the Divine it can only heal you. Sometimes, it rubs off on others making their life better. Other times, your life and body will want to purge itself of that negative energy." I can only hope that it keeps on purging as I want to fulfill those dreams to have a happy and pain free life as much as I am able to.

"You give me hope that hope still exists" ~ Ed Gonzalez

Mother's Day weekend

2010-05-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

I went home to my folks for the weekend for Mother's Day. I ended up making my gift this year. I made a floral arrangement for a display nook in their kitchen. She liked it and I'm glad. I was a bit worried the colors weren't what she wanted but it went with her theme.

The drive up I was feeling very fatigued. I thought I hadn't had enough protein or not enough sleep the night before and had to take a rest at a rest area. I made it the rest of the way there but fought to keep my eyes open most of the way. It was very windy and it became chilly fast. I had to give my folks my regards but went to bed by 7pm. I woke only twice to go relieve my bladder and to eat some watermelon. I didn't get back up until 11am the next morning. I still felt exhausted.

I did know that I couldn't wait to get out of there.

I love my folks a lot, they're important to me and family should be but, this visit made me see that role reversal sucks. I found myself parenting my Mom a lot. I know she knew what I was doing and we joked about it but after a while she was more like a surly teen than anything. When we had dinner and I asked what was going with the burgers (expecting a salad or potatoes) and told just chips; I went through their fridge and cupboard and not a lick of veggies. A slice of tomato and fried onions isn't a healthy option and they only had a small container of store cut watermelon and some bananas. I bitched a fit. I didn't care they need the nutrients and to stop disregarding their food choices. It was one of the few times I didn't feel any guilt for voicing my opinion at home.

She knows better; she has failing kidneys. You don't live off potato chips!! WTF!

So on the drive back, I felt exhausted and again thought it was from fighting the wind while driving. Turns out I was way off. I was dehydrated and having a hard bowel movement. I didn't figure this out until after the third glass of water. I felt more alert, albeit still achy in my hips but I didn't feel so down on energy or emotion. Now I know to stay hydrated, even if it means buying water when I go for a visit. I most definitely will make sure I have healthy options when I'm there.

Worries me on how things will be when we are all older. I know I'll have to keep an eye on things and so long as nothing too harmful is going on, I'll keep the opinions to a minimum or I'll end up staging an intervention of sorts. Most of the time it backfires but I mean well. I do love my family and I know they love me.

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner

The Backslide

2010-05-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

To backslide, to reverse course of action, to retrace steps back to starting point of one's journey or to deteriorate into the same physical state that one is trying to heal from.

And that pretty much sums up a lot of things this week. My low back and right hip are inflamed and I can tell that not being able to go to physical therapy for monetary reasons is slowly causing me to loose the strength that I was working so hard to build up. I am still maintaining the exercises that were given to me and I'm almost out of anti-inflammatory pills. That's okay but I don't want to slowly reverse back to being bedridden. I'm just not quite sure how to keep myself from worrying over this as its something that effects every part of my life. Movement in any form, with this body can be daunting at times and joyful at others. I just have to do the best I can with my circumstances and when able to get back into more sessions as time moves forward.

I got to spend some time with my Doctor today. I think I'm going to have to refer to him as CD for the type of medical work he does. It will be easier to keep straight as I refer to seeing doc's and physicians in my posts. So CD and I got to have a few hours together and it was amazing. I have to say for the first time I'm so caught off guard with him and I like that.

When you get so use to not having that great of a life with health, relationships, etc... and then something wonderful occurs it can come as a pleasant shock. Well that's what CD is to me; a pleasant shock.

He really is honest. Truly honest. It's one thing to dream about a certain kind of man and its another to come face to face with him in reality. Lord knows I deserve to be happy and so does everyone else. It just takes time getting use to. I appreciate so much of who he is and how I feel by knowing him and being with him. It's genuine and I'm smitten. Normally, I would be disbelieving that a fella would actually want to go out to dinner, take a nice walk through a park or museum, and to look forward to creating new memories together. Most, have canceled or not go through with it and end up taking me to McDonald's instead.

Yes, that has happened.

So to hear him tell me he thinks I'm amazing and beautiful and enjoys spending time with me, those little walls I have built around my heart begin to crack. I do know that I feel the same way for him except he's handsome and amazing from my perspective.

I do know that its given me even more encouragement to stick with exercise, not stress out so much and to continue to pursue my dreams in life. I missed for so long having to share those discoveries with someone and I'm glad that he'll want to hear about what I stumbled across. I told him about the watermelon and the reaction, was too cute but still cool to share that with him. I think that its good for anyone in life to have a friend, companion or partner to share those little discoveries with. CD may be giving me a lot of firsts in positive experiences but they'll be a lot of firsts for him as he'll be sharing in the moments with me.
It makes having back pain not so bad.

“In the silence of night I have often wished for just a few words of love from one man, rather than the applause of thousands of people.” ~ Judy Garland

Mirror/rorriM

2010-05-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things that a person will go through when trying to understand what is wrong with their health, is when they already have one existing condition. Problems like diabetes, thyroid issues, or even PCOS can mask or worse confusion the physician at trying to determine the root cause of the patient's symptoms. For me, I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome) and it caused several years of not getting a diagnosis. At best it was believed for me that it was hypothyroidism and/or diabetes. Or possibly a form of arthritis since its hereditary. It wasn't. As far as the doctor's I saw, and I went through rounds of them in 2 different states, the doctor's based on my test results, deemed me perfectly healthy. They just couldn't figure out why the paper results didn't match what they saw when examining me. So yes, eventually I learned I had Fibromyalgia and even got pissed at my Mom for a short while for hiding this. I understand now why she did; not many people can be open-minded enough to see a person deeper than skin.

That being said, I started doing some research on some of the symptoms I've been having of late. These are the mirror symptoms of both PCOS and FMS. And, it was frustrating. My acne has been so bad; I'm actually having self-esteem issues with it. I'm not even sure how the man I started seeing will find me attractive after this explosive mess of my pores. It is what it is and made me start looking into alternate methods of treating myself. I can't afford to see a Dermatologist esp since that last 2 didn't do jack shit for me other than give me a yeast infection as a side effect from antibiotics.

I pulled up the list of PCOS symptoms that I had and compared them to FMS, the only differences I found were the excessive hair growth and spotting. The weight problems, fatigue and brittle nails were the same. Much like a reflection in a mirror. I found a few possibilities in vitamins and fruit. I need to dig a bit deeper. The good thing was that I stumbled on 2 things for kidney health care. Cranberry and Watermelon.

Cranberries help with urinary infections. I remember my Aunts who are nurses telling me to drink cranberry juice when I was younger so it wouldn't hurt when I peed. Watermelon helps with reducing chances of kidney stones, is high in potassium, and helps with blood pressure. Makes sense. I get tightened muscles aka charlie horse and the potassium supplements I've been taking have eliminated that. And, watermelon keeps me hydrated without the hot flashes. Knowing that these two foods can help with kidney health eases some of my concerns from taking pain killers long term. I don't want to end up with kidney disease like my Mom; she's been on anti-inflammatories and painkillers for over 20 years since she was diagnosed with FMS. Just goes to show how far we've come scientifically with making better meds. http://home.howstuffworks.com/watermelon3.htm

Watermelon helps with ED (erectile dysfunction)

Vitamin B's help with acne. They break down toxins, fats, carbs, proteins and more. I notice when I have low energy, severe nerve pain, or canker sores that I need to up my dose of vitamin B. I take a Super Vitamin B complex but add B-2 (riboflavin) for stress. So it wouldn't surprise me that with the amount of stress I'm under with my lack of income and eventual loss of medical insurance.

I'm still looking into what can help me with nail strengtheners. I know I need to increase my iron but not sure if that will help with my nails or not.

A few good things have happened for me. Pfizer approved me for medication assistance so I won't go without Lyrica. Stuff is expensive. I called my rheumatologist to tell her I was unemployed and wondered if she had samples of Cymbalta for a few weeks until my unemployment kicked in. Found out, Lilly, the makers of Cymbalta also has a prescription assistance plan and hopefully I'll get approved as well. It's only a temporary fix but it will help me in the long run. Most of unemployment will go to rent. The rest I'll manage as I go along.

I have faith and a positive outlook that I'll find work.

Mirror, mirror on the wall who's the fairest one of all. ~ Snow White

So that's good, right?

2010-04-30T16:49:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have a day with all sorts of events that seem to balance themselves out? Today felt like that.

I didn't sleep well last night due to stress over my finances. (nothing new, its end of month people)So I woke up early, didn't have any coffee and fatigue hit me hard. I went back to physical therapy as I could tell the sciatic nerve was inflamed and was on its was to a relapse if I didn't get in for rehabilitation. By the time I left, I felt positive, alert and at peace (in the hyper sense).

I didn't hear back from my employer at all on a long-term temp position for AR work; which means I need to look outside the company now. But, I did find out I was approved for unemployment compensation. This left me feeling less stressed over my bills and I was able to relax a little.

Not to mention, I dumped Botanical Man last week and he just figured it out yesterday. (Moron!) Which is fine, better late than never and glad to not be around a person who takes advantage of others. I'm sorry but when you're in school and given assignments, its the students responsibility to do the homework, not their gf/bf. Pissed me off and a bit too much on the integrity button so my temper flared. I snapped at him the last time we talked and he wonders why. Never took me on a date but expected me to be there for him on short notice. Doesn't work that way bub. It's called communication. Anyways, enough of the detour, the good news is that I met the Doctor and we connected really well. It was nice to be around someone cute, smart, safe and has the sexiest set of eyes. I felt pretty bouncy after wards.

All is in balance, in harmony and all will be well. April was a rough month but I think that I learned a lot this month, both about myself and about the world around me.

No matter what road you travel on your journey in life, all is welcome here.

The surprise inside

2010-04-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

I've always been a big believer in emotional health and how it relates to the physical response. Emotional eating stems from fear of rejection and creates panic attacks and weight gain. Stress causes insomnia and leaves the body susceptible to cold's, flu's and then some. Spiritual stress can affect any and all of the above. When you have heartbreak, depression and eating/starving occurs causing weight issues. This sets off a cycle of emotions from silly to screaming to crying. It all depends on how aware a person becomes with themselves.

For anyone with Fibromyalgia, not taking control by observing the catalyst to a flare-up will inevitably keep that person in a never ending, heavily medicated lifestyle. Think about it, when you burn your toast, you observe that the setting is too high so that next time it doesn't burn. The same power of observation can be made with your health. We know that I need to limit my beef and gluten consumption; sugar sets off hot flashes and stress triggers acne, insomnia and fatigue. I'm constantly trying to make sure I do not trigger a flare-up but when it happens I sit back, become introspective and analyze how I came to be in a particular circumstance. Obviously, I couldn't control the situation of a car accident but I can control how my recovery goes.

Today, I became aware of the spiritual sides of things that went much deeper than muscle aches or insomnia. I had another opportunity to receive Divine Light and I felt the negative forces in me fighting to not let go. I felt angry, pissed off and vulnerable. Normally, I can see the good in others, strive to help others and was dismayed that I just wanted to munch on the free food instead of helping another person be comfortable. It made me ashamed. As the Light worked its way into me, I could feel where this anger stemmed from and it was buried in my heart. I actually had a physical pain in my chest and felt my back muscles spasm. I just sat there and cried. I felt so ashamed that I held on to that anger from my current circumstances. I felt lost and unsure of where my love life is going. I felt afraid of taking that next step of accomplishing my goal in life. It all just came out. Afterward, I felt freer, less burdened by the emotional stress and the toll it was taking on my health.

I've been having migraines, bad boughts of insomnia and a lack of interest in my daily tasks. The fibro-fog is bad too. Trying to remember who I spoke to about what has been plaguing me and all because of the cycle of no sleep, no rest, stress and anger. My emotional well-being fed my physical well-being but the root of this flare-up was in the spiritual well-being from within. So its no surprise by the feelings I have inside and I know that today was a necessary day. It taught me that all aspects of life, in out and around, need to be observed, appreciated and gratified.

I don't know what you believe in by reading this but from a logical perspective it makes sense. We as human beings, are by nature, complex creatures and sometimes a complex route is needed to solving ones problems.

Namaste'

Over yonder

2010-04-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

My weekend started out on a downer from having the steam in my drive let out. I had no oomph to speak of, ambition or desire to do anything. Loosing your job will do that to a person, FMS or not, it just take you down.

I managed to pull myself up enough to go through the motions of cleaning, walking my dog, and applying to a few jobs online. I chatted with my folks and they did their best to be encouraging and supportive. I really just wanted a hug. So I did my best to not sink into a mental funk and to take care of myself.

My joints have been aching all weekend from the damp cold weather. I think this year Spring is working backwards. It started off hot n humid and now its almost May and its cool and damp. My muscles are sore, I feel cold all the time and fatigued. I spent today just trying to take care of myself. I slept, drank plenty of water and took 2 showers to warm up fast; I'll be taking an epsom salt bath later to soak my aching joints. Most of which is all upper body. I'm glad its not my hips.

I hope to go to PT this week as I can tell the muscle therapy really helps keep the inflammation down with the sciatic nerve. My back muscles are getting stronger and I can feel my core muscles start to tighten up. I can sit up better and the pain is manageable enough to where I don't need to take any pain killers.

So, over yonder, across this valley of woeful times, is the destination I want to arrive at. I will have work, back in school and will be with someone of quality and worth. It's a lot to look forward to and I'll get there.

It's the journey that makes the destination worth having.

Just another statistic

2010-04-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

It's official, and it hit my emotional state of mind hard, I'm now a part of the statistic for the unemployment percentage of Americans. It just sucks. The only positive I seem to have at the moment is the freedom to be able to find a job since I'm not tied too much to my employer anymore. I only have enough medical coverage for a month, so here's hoping I find something by then. I don't care if I have to take a pay cut for a full time job, just as long as there is prescription and medical coverage. Lyrica and Cymbalta ain't cheap; I still have yet to find out if I was approved for any discounts from Pfizer's Connection to Care plans. I'll get a second part time job to make up the difference to pay bills with.

I'm sleeping better and even though I ran out of melatonin supplements earlier this week, the exercise and valerian root is helping. I'm also back to reading again. My mind needs the distraction so I don't go stir crazy.

I am still waiting as well for the paperwork process to be complete so I can find out if I can get approved for any financial aid to pursue my BA degree. I really want to hone my skills so I can increase my chances of spreading hope to those who have none. I want people and kids and families to know that they can find a way to keep going even when life hits hard and heavy. Most days I feel like I'm being hit by a mac truck and others by fluffy marshmallows. It varies from how my health is to how my life is. It's all about the choices we make in the end.

“Our consciences take no notice of pain inflicted on others until it reaches a point where it gives pain to us.” ~ Mark Twain

Hard hitting head kicker of a Day

2010-04-21T18:37:00.000-07:00

My day pretty much seemed a precursor for the impending weather that was coming. Damp chills and feeling low.

It seems every so often karma has its own spring cleaning, except this time its giving me new life lessons, testing my tolerance limits and still putting me one step closer at reaching some goals. So its not such a bad thing...well without the back pain.

I received Divine Light yesterday and it was definitely soothing to my nerves, emotions and I felt that inner peace that I had strayed from. The healing energy pushed toxins out and instead of ripping my face anew with acne or my thighs with hives, my period started 2 days early and it feels like I was never on the pill. I take the pill mainly for hormonal balance due to PCOS (poly-cystic ovarian syndrome)
And, I had a bought of insomnia due to the herniated disc inflamed. I did meet someone who has contacts with holistic medicine and more so I'm hopeful to expand my awareness and education for myself and for others.

Surprisingly, I didn't have any FMS like pain in the joints or muscles. My ears and sight felt more sensitive and by 5 am I had a migraine. I did eventually get to sleep and I slept soundly until the fire alarm tests started around 11. So the rest of the day I fought migraines and back pain.

I reached my cap limit with my accident coverage so I'm no longer able to afford physical therapy as I've been laid off this week. Until I get work again and can afford at least one appt a week, I have to do most of the work at home. I'm going to keep up on it and strengthen the muscles, continue to eat properly and get outside and walk often. Neko, my dog, is enjoying the walks and its helping his anxiety with the work repairs on the apt complex.

So tomorrow, aside from maintaining my home pt activities, I'm taking it easy, just reading and writing. No stressing about lack of work or financial problems. I need to decompress and regroup. Much like a good coffee break.

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.” ~ Frederic Keonig

Sad reaction

2010-04-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

Until 24 hours ago, I didn't realize how much a misconception could be made as a result of a traumatic relationship that another has gone through. I'm also guilty of having preconceived notions of what a man wants and that Fibromyalgia is not a desirable understandable quality.

Botanical Man has been through a lot, he's a single father raising to sweet girls. Their mother, sad to say, passed away as a result of having bipolar disorder. I don't know the details and I'm giving him space until he chooses to say otherwise. It's either an overdose or suicide. Either way its left a deep heartache with deep doubts on what sets a person off emotionally. Thing is, when a person isn't feeling well, my natural impulse is to offer help and to more often then not, I get a thanks but no thanks response. Not, are you emotionally unstable and is that what the track record is with past bf's. Uh, no. It hurt and I reacted honestly by crying. No balling or screaming, just tears and sniffles. I didn't understand how going from being honest meant I was emotionally unstable. It took a while for me to understand that this was a reaction he has based on what she did to him.

And my heart goes out to him and anyone who's gone/going through the same problems.

I know from my own traumas that it takes time to really get to know a person and those comparisons are a natural human response. For me, it took a long while to come to grips with the fact that there are people out there who really care and are okay with me having FMS. It just took a long time to finally believe that. So I should have realized the same could be said for any condition or trauma another person has gone through and survived.

So FMS or bipolar or anything else for that matter will undoubtedly create doubts in a person when entering into a new friendship or relationship. I can only hope and pray that so long as communication is still present between parties that acceptance and patience is found within.

Friendship is love with understanding.

Tests of the Heart

2010-04-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been challenging; challenging in the sense of trying to not let negative circumstances get the best of me. I've had a few good laughs, faced a few decisions and received a few disappointments as well.

I'm still going to physical therapy for my back and right hip. For the most part, I am improving every day but, I had a really good time with Botanical Man on Tuesday. He basically sent me on the orgasm express and put me in another state of euphoria. Sex is an awesome way to exercise, have fun and feel good. The down side with FMS and having any injuries is that those conditions will get aggravated. It was hilarious though when one of the assistants at rehab was asking questions trying to determine why I was hurting so much. I flat out said, "Er, I had a lot of fun with my boyfriend." He laughed and blushed and stuttered. He was okay with having fun but I should be careful on how much fun I have. LOL Needless to say, despite the laughs, my hip was hurting and my low back was inflamed.

Oh yeah, it was that good.

Then, I was and still very much so, anxious to get back to work. Hard part is, I signed a contract with my employer and the only way out is if a company wants to hire me, they have to buy out my contract. So my hands are tied for the most part on job hunting. I'm still applying for work, its just hard to get in for an interview. I'm also looking for weekend work to help with medical expenses and gas. Next week would be the 3rd week I've been back at regular work status and if a client doesn't offered a placement for a job, I will be laid off. I really wanted to cry, but I fought it off best I could. Took my dog for a walk, emailed my folks and called Black Faerie and Lord Purple. Those two are so good and made me think of unemployment, benefits, work opportunities. Basically helped me stay focused and not sink into this bombardment of negative events. I felt better for the most part and tried to just look forward to the weekend and not get down. It's hard enough fighting depression from lack of sleep and I'm blessed to have friends like them.

It's a hard battle.

So plans fell apart to have a date with Botanical Man as he's fighting a cold. He still wants to see me, I think, and as bummed out as I am, I just have to accept it. I'm lonely for companionship and need some positive experiences. All this has made me realize that I need to receive Light again. I need positive energy, learn how to build up my strength of faith so that when my life gets bombarded like it usually does, I can handle it.

Things happen for a reason. Trying to stay positive in a negative moment is a true test of faith.

Insomnia Strikes Back

2010-04-10T23:46:00.000-07:00

If insomnia were like a Star Wars saga, tonight would be a big hit. Yeah right.

I can't sleep, I feel exhausted, fatigued and my right buttock is actually inflamed and swollen. I think walking at the park followed by walking my dog around the block a few times was a bit too much to take.

It also didn't help that yesterday my hips settled and my lower back part of my spine popped a few times. It was loud and felt like a thud when you slam the hood of your car shut. It definitely wasn't like the crunchy snap when you pop your knuckles. Or my knee for that matter.

I tried meds, heat, ice, more heat, painkiller, biofreeze and stretching throughout the day and I just can't fall asleep. I felt myself drift off a few times but then my body would jolt and I'd be back to whatever I was doing. Tonight is was writing in my journal.

Not everything goes into this blog; sorry people. There are some truths that would do more harm in the telling than the good.

So I tried just a bit ago to steam my muscles in the shower and I feel a tad more relaxed but my hip and buttock is hurting and I feel twitchy. Not a good combo.

And there we have it folks, just another chapter of insomnia which is a big contributor for Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Counting sheep doesn't help falling asleep...the mind wanders into recipes or clothing options.

Week of Frustration

2010-04-10T15:12:00.000-07:00

I was frustrated, very frustrated all week. Frustrated at the boredom, not having a work assignment yet, not having a long-term boyfriend/companion, and frustrated at the weather.

The weather alone drove the FMS wacko. I didn't sleep well, the short-term memory was not going well and I didn't seem to be very focused. The short term memory issue was I couldn't remember who I spoke to but knew I told someone something important. You know the broken record effect. Sheesh! Massive Fibro-fog there. And I just couldn't stay focused on any one particular thing. Cleaning was lax, I didn't complete the things to do on my reminder lists and didn't follow through on a lot of things.

I would read for a while, go for a walk, watch tv or just watch the tree out in the courtyard with no though in my head. Then when I did start focusing on my life, it was bills bills bills. I started to panic at debt collectors, finding a way to pay rent and utilities; this was all caused by the idiotic bank policies and how my account is being fucked over. I'm switching banks as soon as my next direct deposit hits.

And, for a week or so, I sort of took a moral vacation. Well morals involving dating, sex and my approach to it all. I am not sure if it was the boredom, the weather or just getting that itch but I went on CL and answered a few ads and posted a 2 of my own. Not very good results for the most part. I figured the best that would happen is that I would end up with another friend like Mr.Rose. I was way off. I had a lot of replies, so much so that I forgot I just deleted many. And, amongst all this agreed to a date (sort of) with an old friend w/benefits and met someone knew later on at night. I had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs but in the end I still felt unfulfilled, dissatisfied and guilty of not sticking to my beliefs. So I told the one I won't see him again and the other I know I won't hear from him for weeks and he respects me enough to not make contact unless I contact him first. I also canceled a date with a lawyer (no not The Lawyer) as I just wasn't interested anymore. But, surprisingly, amidst all that chaos I somehow forgot I replied to an ad and he took the initiative to find me on Facebook. If it weren't for the fact that he started off with the introduction with a good sense of humor on my being the Queen of Dorks, I probably would have thought he found the wrong person.

He didn't and I'm happy. I found the original response and read his response as well, we got to chatting online and he asked me out. I agreed and we ended up going for a great walk near where I live and we had a good connection. I find him attractive physically, intellectually, and spiritually. So Botanical Man, as I like to call him, will be seeing me again and staying in touch with each other. I hope we have a good thing and that it lasts a long time.

And my hip or back didn't get irritated by going for a longer walk than usual. I feel awesome.

“Certain guys will find a way to be very good. We're going to need a few surprises like that.” ~ Danton Cole

Easter weekend

2010-04-04T17:27:00.000-07:00

I had a fairly good time this holiday weekend. I hung out with a few friends yesterday, had good bbq and laughed a lot. Today, I did some egg coloring. Yes, it's silly especially when I don't have kids but every once in a while, silliness is necessary. I also finished the last of my craft projects that I had postponed all these years. It was a good feeling of accomplishing my hobbies end result.

Dating is at a stand still. E-man just wants a friends w/benefits arrangement as he isn't ready to get into a relationship just yet. He is still too raw on the inside.
I took a risk and told him how I felt about him, how I deserve better than a sex only situation and wished I could ease his heartache. We both appreciated each others honesty but that's pretty much how it stands for now. My door is open and waiting for him if he is ready to take that leap of faith in getting to know a good person. Until then, I have to move on as putting my life on hold won't do.

Physically, I can feel the changes more so with the upper body exercises. My girls are feeling much heavier as the muscle builds up. It's nice but today I felt extremely top heavy. So more lower body work is needed. I am doing more walking every day and its making a huge positive impact on rest. I can stay asleep longer and its not taking too many hours to go to sleep. I've also feeling my abs tightening more each day as well. I did notice that when I'm out walking I don't have to stop to relocate the neutral pelvic position, I can accomplish this now while I walk. I still have to consciously check to make sure I hold my abs in for support on my back. And, I noticed today that I need to replace my computer chair at home as the back isn't as supportive as it use to be.

A lot of positive things, lessons more like it took place since the accident happened and I'm glad for them. Constantly trying to stay positive and honest is difficult under all the circumstances in my life. It is getting easier to be more confident on relationship issues, tactful on professional viewpoints and the rest I'm still reflecting on to make sure I fully understood the moment.

"Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”~ Rita Rudner

In all fairness

2010-04-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Life isn't fair; didn't you just hate hearing that growing up and didn't it just feel bitter when you end up on your own hearing a relative yelling through your lips at you? Well that's pretty much how it feels some day. I know, kind of odd to end a work week on that sort of note.

It's now April and in 24 days it will be one year since I almost died from hypertension trying to pop an artery in my head. I had a hard time trying to remember for months exactly what I was thinking when that pain set in and then I had an epiphany as I was walking my dog tonight; it was emotional defeat. The kind that destroys hope, a dream and can kill faith in a person.

When I first started having these head, ripping, skull splitting pangs, I was feeling very hopeless, like a lost cause that wasn't worth fighting for. As I was deep in introspectiveness, I could hear the old me, the one who felt worthless having an argument on how worthy she is but there is no one out there worthy of her. So it made me think, how did I change? I changed by having faith in that hope of love and dreams. I can overcome physical discomforts, overcome family drama, wish for friends to live closer in miles and still be alone. I made my life worth it.

And I made a conscious effort and decision to focus on the positive side of things. It's fucking hard work. Fighting doubts, debt, pain, tears, and more. Letting go of the fights that I don't have the strength to fight, seemed like defeat for so long but it wasn't. By accepting uncontrollable circumstances, was freeing for me.

I know I will live a life where I will constantly be struggling to make ends me. I won't be able to afford a vacation, and if I'm lucky to be that fortunate, a weekend or day trip now and then. Mr.Photo got so enraged when he found out I was going to return to school to pursue my dreams in writing. I agree with his perspective but I can't change the facts; colleges rape humans of their wallets. It's all about profit. Yes, a good career is going to form but experience still needs to be had. For me, I'm going back to learn everything I possibly can so I can work in publishing as a writer or editor, or some function with literature. And I need the basic skills of that I was screwed out of because the public school system is broken.

I spent a good portion of my high school years, listening to my peers barely read and never went further than a passing C. It sucks. So as an adult to get what I need to achieve my goals, I have to now pay for those same skills that many still are not receiving.

So in all fairness, is this right? Not really; its a battle I can't fight....yet. I intend to one day and I will succeed. I never fail at what I want to achieve and I know the closer I get to being a success, the harder its going to get.

Like today, it got really hard, very hard. I had a massive nose bleed. The kind where it took close to 20 minutes to stop. I had to call a friend to find out what to do, I pulled over and waited it out. I still have an upset stomach from what blood went down my throat. I still have some head pains and I'll get past all this. It was just so scary. I wanted to call E-man and didn't since he was at work. I didn't want to scare Lord Purple or the Black Faerie so I didn't call them either. I eventually called my Mom after this all passed and it runs in the family when taking a lot of medicine's. I'm not hemophiliac but I bruise very easy and it takes even longer for the bruises to fade. So it pretty much clued me in that I have a hard battle ahead. It's going to be stressful, daunting and that's fine with me.

Just knowing that I can help give hope back to one person, one life so they can keep fighting for a better future for themselves, is worth it.

“Our consciences take no notice of pain inflicted on others until it reaches a point where it gives pain to us.” ~ Mark Twain

Infectious Delights

2010-03-31T19:18:00.000-07:00

Don'tcha just love when a day turns out great after such a shitty start in the morning? I know I do.

My day started out stressful as once again, I didn't get paid as payroll fucked up..or someone did at some point of the process. So like my bank account, I was in the negative.

I then had my 2 month follow-up with my rheumatologist and she could tell I was exhausted and fatigued but glad to know that the source of the pain and agony was found; not to mention I was in very good recovery program. I was so glad that the turn of events led me to the rehab center so I could get the help with my back and leg but more importantly get help with the Fibromyalgia.

I returned home after the appointment and started the mental preparation for meeting my new supervisor and visit with the Director again. Expectations were set, communication was flowing very well and over all I'm very pleased at how well of a match this working relationship is starting out. I know that I prefer to have someone communicate any feedback from the client I'm working with, having a person who is going to make sure that I will always be picking up a new skill while using my expertise at the same time. I left feeling very positive from the meeting. Mostly from the positive energy he radiated and how professional he was, to having both my supervisor and the Director following up on my health and the work restrictions; not to mention they're working on clearing up my paycheck problems. I just felt bubbly as I was leaving.

Then, I was surprised to hear from E-man. It was just a fun hello through instant messenger but he's keeping in touch and that took me from bubbly to hyper.

Look out!

Followed by more good news. School called me and I am able to switch academic programs so I can pursue my passion of working in the writing and publishing industry. I may be good in project assistance and customer service but, writing is my drug of choice. The euphoric feeling as the creative juices flow is nothing I've ever encountered. It's actually better than a super-orgasm.

Yes, I went there.

I just couldn't contain myself and I wanted to infect my joy onto another and decided to call E-man. I left a message and most likely came across as a lovable dork. I just felt so happy that I had to share it with him.

Plus it let him know that calls can reach me and my phone is working as he couldn't get a hold of me the other night.

So 3 month's later and tomorrow on April Fool's Day, I return to work, start on-the-job training and having a great outlook on life...even with the underlying shitty circumstances waiting to pounce me.

“Friends find comfort in what they share and delight in how they differ.”

Merky Monday

2010-03-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

The weather mood swings are driving my joints bonkers. I had difficulty getting to sleep last night even with taking the extra vitamins. My left knee hurt and my hips as well. It didn't matter if ice or heat was used; I just had to wait it out. I read, watched tv and listened to some music. Eventually I was able to get to sleep.

Prior to falling asleep, I had a very bad hives episode with my face and neck. I took benadryl, used some anti-itch cream and it was so bad I used fresh aloe vera on my face. My face felt like it was a chemical burn at times and others just plain itchy. Until I used the aloe, I couldn't feel anything working. I'm just glad it did. My face is acting up again tonight but not as intense as last night.

And, I either have bad allergies with the tree pollen kicking up or coming down with a cold. I have that all over achy feeling and just feel exhausted. I just want to sleep and get up tomorrow with some resolve.

I did have pt today and I asked Dr.L, the head PT on upper body strengthening. He was in agreement that we could start but only there at the center. With my girls (boobs) being so large that the strain on my back is still being felt. Not to mention my shoulders are weak. So after muscle treatment, I went in the back of the office to begin my additional exercises. I could only do one set on each arm and I didn't even reach to 10 reps. I was that weak and on some it hurt. The hard part was trying to stay in the neutral pelvic position and keep the abs tight. So we'll see how I feel tomorrow. The highlight of all this, was when one of the assistant's in the back asked if I hurt my shoulder or why the need for upper body work. I said, after embarrassingly clearing my throat, "It's to help my girls out as an alternative option to surgery." I said this while motioning to my chest. Poor guy, he just laughed. Talk about awkward. It's one to be in a one on one in an exam room but its another when other people are around. Still it was rather funny trying to explain the reason for the added exercises.

And, I'm looking forward to Wednesday as I get to meet my new supervisor. We will answer any questions we have, expectations and what possible leads that are being worked on for my next working engagement/contract. I know that my ongoing recovery will be discussed and how to prepare or expect anything from the next client I work for. Then starting Thursday, I'll have access again to free training and I need to improve my Excel skills immensely.

I'm also trying to seeing what the best course of action will be to pursue my education and achieve my dreams. I'm in a financial bind as a result of all the health problems over the past year. So I'm having my car repossessed and trying to work with creditors. I have considered bankruptcy but if I go that route I won't be able to get any financial assistance or loans to pay my courses. I'm just trying to stay positive. And somehow everything will work out. I just don't know how yet.

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”~Frederick Keonig

Complementary

2010-03-28T17:05:00.000-07:00

The past few days have been interesting. I did a bit of self-talks on some relationship decision-making, I've been improving in PT, I've added a few more vitamins to my daily routine and I've figured out why my toes on my left foot keep hurting.

For my feet, the left two toes hurt from walking. It took a while to recognize that a pair of shoes that I have is the culprit. One of my toes jammed itself and I had to pop it back out. Oi!

I started taking Valerian root last night and after about 30 minutes, it basically knocked my ass flat. Aside from waking up at 3 am to pee, I slept pretty good through the night. I'm even waking up on my own by 6am. (mostly rested) So I think I've found a good combo of sleep aids and neither are a prescription or o.t.c. drug. Yippee!!! I've got to tell the MPT this week. And, I also started taking Milk Thistle but haven't felt too much of a difference other than I have to urinate more often. Still, I guess that's a good thing as the toxins are leaving my body.

As for relationship decisions, I came to a forgone conclusion that Mr.Rose and I will have a very good spiritually-connected friendship. Not dating. He's a good person and has a lot going on in his life. I'm just glad we found each other to provide encouragement and a sounding board for ideas.

Then, there's E-man. All this week I waited to hear from him and we did texts a few times but overall he's been busy. I was anxious mostly I wanted to clear up a lingering doubt that I was sensing from him and it was bugging me to no end. So I told him everything I went though last year and how I ended up temporarily involved with a certain person. I cried before I composed the email and cried while I wrote it and quietly accepted I wasn't going to hear back. I was so surprised that he responded, even more so with what he said. He said, "I am very sorry about your past situation, it does not change my view of you as a person, and I will call you as soon as I am able. We will talk, dont be down on yourself." And I cried some more but in joy and relief. Things are going to be okay. I'm now learning a deeper lesson on patience.

I've always had a strong sense of integrity, even as a kid. It took me until I was in my teens to understand what gossip was. I just couldn't fathom people telling people things on each other to others, for the sake of just having something to say. And, it wasn't even truthful. I've been told I'm too honest and I still have a hard time understanding how being honest is a bad thing. Yes, I've had to learn how to be more tactful when appropriate but for the most part, it's so much a part of who I am that I can't not live a life without truth. It keeps things real and doesn't give me any false hope. Disillusionment is painful; so when I sense a doubt or vulnerability from fear, I set my discomfort aside and say what's right or do what's right. It sucks that I've been taken advantage of due to this sense of integrity.

I need to be able to love myself and respect my life no matter what. Even with all the bull shit moments, pain, silly fun-filled dork moments and more. It just doesn't matter to me if I keep hurting from the reactions of others, it's all about being honest or doing what's right. I'm just glad that finally, someone sees and appreciates that and wants to keep dating me. I definitely look forward to learning and expanding myself from the acceptance and tenderness I found in E-man. Life will show me new perceptions just by having that hope fulfilled.

Our complementary partner is in our life to help us grow potentials that we have deep inside but have not yet mastered. ~ Ariadne Green

This, That and then some

2010-03-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

Not too long ago when I was being educated by the MPT at the rehab clinic, he made mention of the benefits of milk thistle and valerian root. I didn't really look into it much but when I started asking questions about my feet pain, it got my mind thinking on what those benefits would be.

I was having a hard time with my feet yesterday. I felt I had blisters everywhere on the bottoms of my feet. It hurt. At times, it even felt like walking on rocks. Little rocks. So I asked if it had to do with the opening of the foot energies he spoke of or would it be due to having sharp pain in the bad disc area. He said it could be the disc offsetting my feet; it could also be as my hips settle, my feet are readjusting to having weight evening distributed again. He said to have an Epsom salt bath tonight as the magnesium would help with the muscle cramps but to do a foot soak in baking soda. Baking soda!?

Apparently, baking soda has many uses not found in the kitchen. It helps with balancing the acidic levels in the body. (ph) So I will try the foot soak tomorrow and see how it goes. Some of the other things baking soda helps with is also burns, skin irritations, bee stings, diaper rash, cradle cap, dandruff, relieve itching inside a cast, athlete's foot, and more. I definitely want to do some research on this.

So while I was at it I looked into milk thistle and valerian root and how would this help with FMS. Well milk thistle helps with any liver damage or to prevent damage. I am going to do a better discussion to find out what I can do for kidney function against long-term effects from pharmaceutical drugs. I know over time the kidney's get worse as the pain killers and muscle relaxers weaken the kidneys and they don't function properly. This is my biggest concern with FMS from a medicinal standpoint. Aside from that, there's the obvious problems with sleep and the neuro-transmitters in our brain with pain levels. Valerian root helps with sleep, NT regulation and even helps with digestive problems. I already take melatonin but I still struggle to fall asleep most nights. I think anything is good especially since I can't really take otc medicine's due to sleep walking side effects.

All in all I think I learned a lot today and it's making me want to learn even more. I know I definitely want to look into the baking soda more and see about finding a solution for stress triggered hives/acne.

“Knowledge is the treasure of a wise man.”~William Penn

The other side of Positive

2010-03-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

I did some reflecting today and it came upon me while responding to an email to E-man. I realized that I've come a long way since this season a year ago-ish. I almost died, found out what I was made of, made bad choices and corrected them. I helped others and myself. I let go of toxic relationships and embraced healthy companions. My relationships are changing with my family and my friends. And, I'm much stronger than I've ever been.

So if I hadn't made those changes, several situations would have occurred. I would have died, destroyed a family, lied to everyone and lost my job to name a few negative events. Knowing that I embraced the 'road less traveled' and have my inner strength made stronger from the deeper fires of hell that I have come back from. These struggles were so different from the childhood abuse, the chronic illness and back injuries.

I feel fairly content and I'm looking forward to the Positive in life and all that encompasses it. I have to learn gratitude; I'm still taken aback from how a friend here or there just helps me and I don't even ask for help. I know I still have to work on the asking but the accepting is much more challenging. Letting in that good, joyful universal energy from a positive act of kindness from one being to another is hard to accept.

Other times I feel like I'm in limbo; I've let go of the past and toxic times yet, I am hesitant to embrace the future and all it brings with it. I'm not afraid of the pain and heartache; I'm just weary of it. But, I still accept that pain and ache. To accept love, grace, kindness and more from any one person or spirit is daunting. It will be interesting to see how well I turn out. I know I'm on the road to having a better life. I know I will pick up skills along the way to help others let go of their pain and heartaches. Anything more is just gravy.

“Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."~Anonymous

The end draws near

2010-03-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

Originally, when I was sent to the PT specialist, I was to be out for the remainder of what time I have left on medical leave. So when I received a call to reschedule my appointment I took that as a good sign. I want to return to work and tomorrow I will get the release letter I need to go back to a work status on April 1st.

We've managed to get the pain under control to where its slowly moving farther up my leg to the way it should. The low back pain and pressure is also decreasing; not to mention I can do more exercise and walking. Not too shabby from where I was 3 months ago.

As for how I feel with dating etc...I am holding onto the good feeling I have for myself and even though I'm not sure where things will lead with any one particular person, I just have to hold onto that contentment I feel for myself.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”~ Epicurus

Letdown and picked up

2010-03-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

The weekend thus far has been an interesting time. The weather is lovely, a spring breeze blowing and for the most part the only aches I have are in the muscles around my knees and my right hip with the nerve inflammed. So I've just been taking it easy. Resting a lot, using ice and heat as directed and doing my exercises. My hips settle more each day so now I know to expect discomfort as the muscles settle as well. All in all I feel pretty good.

Mr. Rose and I talked for several hours yesterday via phone only to be disappointed that he had no interest in meeting me as he was tired and not 100% alert to meet for the first time. It sucked. The expectation was set to meet and then that didn't happen; then, he said he'd give me his address so I could come out and that didn't happen either. I became very pissed off when I finished speaking with him. So to calm down and to let it go, I went over and hung out with Mr.Photo and friends. We had a great BBQ dinner, lots of laughs and a little bit of wine. Then, to a nice surprise, I get a call from E-man at 4am and he wanted to stop by for a bit and catch up. He really was interested and not just bs-ing me on keeping in touch. He also really did have drama going on with his ex at the time when he dumped me so it felt good knowing he was honest and had integrity. So we'll see how things play out. I don't know if he's still looking for someone long term or just a friend with benefits. If he's just looking for a friend then I'll end it there; but, if he's looking for a ltr then I'll let things go at their own pace. I like Mr.Rose but after 3 weeks of just talking, I don't want to keep waiting for another let down.

All in all spring has sprung, I am healing well, have some good friends and wondering on who I'll end up with in the long run.

Veritas Lux Mae

Settle down

2010-03-19T18:41:00.000-07:00

The physical therapy is working, yippee. My hips started settling back into place finally. The down side is that the muscles also have to settle back into place. So needless to say even the ice pack hurt as the inflammation was on the extreme side. I did manage to get through it.

The office at the clinic was busy today but it was the first time I was there on a Friday. Everyone was surprised at how much difficulty I was having and had to determine what I was doing to even cause my toes to go numb for a little while. The PT came up with the same conclusion and so ice and then heat as usual. Just something to expect from now on.

On a side note, Mr.Rose and I still have not met and I'm getting antsy. Plus, I had a fella ask me for my number while trying to pick up after my dog and had a hard time not laughing. I said I was flattered but not interested. No point in sugar coating it.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.
~Rita Mae Brown

Improvements

2010-03-17T18:37:00.000-07:00

It's been over a week since I started going to the physical therapy clinic and today I had the fortunate opportunity to have the MPT work on me. He even worked on my feet. He has even done a few studies on Fibromyalgia and we got to talking.

We discussed vitamins, muscles, sleep, medicines and exercise. He said since the inflammation is starting to go away and I have more range of motion, and I only have the pain going down to mid-thigh verses the entire leg, that I can do longer walks now. I felt ecstatic. I could tell the pain was going away but wasn't sure what the next move should be. For the most obvious reason, the cardiovascular exercises will help me with sleep and with FMS its a crucial factor to get that deep restful sleep. Hopefully in another week I'll be able to do bike work again. He was thrilled that I managed to work my way up to 30 minutes 3 times a week before it got too painful.

We were both in agreement that an adjustment may most likely be what caused the nerve to get so severely pinched and the inflammation was exasperated by all the wrong kinds of exercise. Don't get me wrong, I think chiropractic care is beneficial, I just don't think the one I saw listened to me. But, the disc was most definitely the result of the car accident.

When we talked about vitamins, he asked what I was doing for my liver as all the medicine's can saturate it to unhealthy condition and my body might not work all that well. I said no, but what about kidney's. (I explained how my Mom ended up) So he told me about milk thistle, valerian root, tranquil complex and a few others. I will be have a workup on my levels to determine what vitamins would work well for me with my variation of FMS.

I couldn't be more pleased with myself both in recovery and with the staff at this rehab center.

If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change."
-- Buddha

Start of a new week

2010-03-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

This week is starting off somewhat stiffly. After little or no sleep over the weekend due to the cold damp weather and it triggering a flare-up, I could definitely say I can feel the ache now leaving my hips and I was able to get a good deep nap this after noon.

Today's PT session went good. I had muscle stimulation, laser treatment, and did different exercises as well. I'm still to continue with the 4 moves I was instructed on last week but only to do those at home. Anything for now in the gym part of the center, I'm only to perform there. I did back pushes, knee and leg strengthening exercises as well. I know my knees are sore and I'm starting to feel the sciatic nerve kick in with the pinching again. The back pushes were where I sat in a chair and pushed my upper back against the wall but I had a piece of foam to push against. For my knees and legs, the first was a band put around my knees and I had to force my legs apart at the knees only. Then I did leg raises with ankle weights and leg drops with stretch bands. I ended with knee raises. All in all I know it will help me get some strength in my right leg and also overall strength for the FMS. I'm sore but its worth it.

no pain, no gain and we're not talking weight loss. Ha!

Dang Damp

2010-03-15T05:14:00.000-07:00

The weather we've been having for the last few days has been affecting my sleep. This is due to the cold damp weather and it's making my joints ache. I also can't seem to get warm enough. Between hot baths, heating pad, and arthritic cream you would think I would be okay but I'm not. When I had a hot bath, the muscle spasms were so bad that I had to concentrate from yelling. I managed to sleep for a few hours but I don't feel rested and I still ache.

As for Mr.Rose, I haven't heard from him in a few days so I figure he just has a lot to deal with. Not to mention, I have no idea how bad it possibly was for him and his folks with the rain. I did let him know via email how I felt and hoped to clarify a comment a bit better. I know that when a person is exhausted the thought may not be spoken clearly. My gut tells me it will be a few more days before I hear from him. And that's okay. I have so much to do and focus on with my health and finances that are my priorities. Hopefully he and I can meet someday. Until then, I will be living my life, trying to stay focused and working on positive actions, etc...

Patience is a virtue. Some know it and others learn it.

The Light Inside

2010-03-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

Earlier this past week, I went to meet with some individuals to experience and understanding a different method for healing. It can be seen as holistic to some and religious to others. I just know that it was very positive experience. It's call Sukyo Mukhari.

When I arrived, it was a peaceful home and the Host was welcoming. He answered my questions, explained what the principles were involved and how the healing would feel, and so on. Even though when I go to a new place, I can be shy and observant, I was so interested in the whole process that I could relax, not feel tense and genuinely felt accepted. This kind of acceptance is so rare on a first meeting; I can say I don't remember that last time I felt unconditional acceptance from a stranger.

What happened was what is referred to as receiving "light". Much like Reiki, it worked in opening your chakras and let positive energy into your spirit and body. I could feel tingling, hot or cold sensations, and a peaceful feeling settle over me. Like love in a hug. Some praying was involved. I received light though my third eye*, my shoulders, neck, kidneys and lower back. I didn't hurt so much afterwards. That night I slept completely and woke up refreshed. I know I want to go back again.

*You can find references on the third eye and chakra's on the internet and books.

I was informed that since the Light is very powerful, that it will push all negative energies that manfest as toxins in my body, out in some manner. My face is completely splotchy, acne central. I also had really bad bowel movements. It was as if I had taken a laxative or detox drink and my body was ridding itself. It's slowed downed since then but over all I feel better.

From a FMS perspective, it was a very rewarding experience. I know I will go back again and start learning how to receive light, make my life more positive and begin to meet people who want to live in peace as much as I do. I'm actually going to start learning how to accept gratitude and be open to letting others help me. I've always been a very independent person and FMS has shown me that I have to ask for help and its a different form of humility. I'm still trying to find a way to ask a friend if she would clean my bathtub as I am currently unable to bend from the waste due to my hip being out and the herniated disc needing to be healed. I know I will find the words but I have to find the courage.

Change is good for the soul; resisting is useless. It will happen whether you accept it or not.

I just want positive experiences.

PT aftershocks

2010-03-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

I had my first session finally yesterday with an actual physical therapist. (not physical therapy per my chiropractor) It was not so bad at first as mostly just questions and answers. Then she got down to business.

The Dr had to locate the herniated disc pain, the nerve pain and test my range of motion from several different positions. Most didn't hurt but when it did, holy shit! Then I was put on a form of muscle stimulation, except my muscles didn't vibrate like they do at the chiropractors. I just laid there for 15 minutes. Once she returned, the exercises began. After a few trial and error approaches, I managed to push myself up somewhat using my arms. The goal is to be fully extended and flexing backwards. (see Yoga cobra positions) Then I went in the back to work with her assistant. He was very good, attentive and made sure I was doing the exercises properly. The key is that I go as much as I can until I hurt. As soon as I feel pain; I stop. I only did 1 heel rise, 2 sets of butt contractions, 1 set of low ab exercise, and 1 set on each knee to chest stretches.

They were also good at explaining how I should sit, stand, bend, lift and get out of bed. When you actually make yourself consciously think of the movements involved in the action, its much more complicated. For instance, when I get out of bed I have to roll on my side, drape my legs over the bed and then push myself up with my arms. Doing the dishes was a workout; since normally I bend at the waste to put dishes into the dishwasher, instead I did a variation of a lunge to use my legs and not my back. All the things I am to do to alleviate pressure off my low back muscles is what is key here.

I think its working based on the discomfort I'm presently in. Still, I'd rather feel discomfort over excruciating agony of the flesh when the anti-inflammatories wear off.

As to how this is affecting the FM? Well, I didn't sleep too well last night. By the time I found a comfy position, my ibs kicked in. I was up and down all night. And I was stiff until I had my massage session. For the most part, I'm holding up well. My hands are freezing a lot; partly due to the weather and partly due to FM. If it weren't for the ibs, I would take a bath tonight; aside from that I just want to sleep. I know its effecting me mentally. I feel stressed out, anxious and slightly depressed. I know I'll be fine once I get enough rest.

Dating wise; not much going on. Mr.Rose and I still chat, although after the last time we talked, I was a bit nervous on how he would take my honesty when things came up in discussion. I know we won't meet as of yet. Wicked rain and wind weather mostly but the rest, my intuition tells me its just not time yet. I want him to want to meet me on his comfort levels instead of, meeting me out of obligation,etc... Still, it is nice talking with him. He's so adorable at times, very smart and very attractive.

Life if full of a lot of intent but not a lot of guarantees. ~ Mr.Photo

Specialist Consult

2010-03-11T08:43:00.000-08:00

Now that I received the results from the MRI, I went in for a consultation with a new doctor specializing in physical rehabilitation. We discuss the sensations, pain and locations. She tested my reflexes, pain points, and even tried to tickle my right foot. She was wonderful. It's a rare thing to find a doctor who genuinely cares about their patients and is willing to take the time to address concerns and educate on what can be done.

After discussing and testing reflexes, she sat me down and pulled out a model of the spine, nerves and how a herniated disc hinders a person. She even said I could recover from this and it would heal but there will need to be a good amount of control over my recovery.

meaning no more low back adjustments

Then she showed me the proper method for getting out of bed to help alleviate any pressure I would put on my low back. Basically, I have to roll to my left side, push my legs to hang over the side of the bed, and then push up with my arms so that I rise. I really have to concentrate when I do this as formed habits of rising have to be broken. I'm not to scrub my bathtub, do any lifting if it can be helped. If I do need to lift something, I really have to use my leg muscles. We also discussed breast reduction as its apparent it is causing long term problems already with my posture. Then, she went over what she wants me to focus on when I goes see the actual sports medicine and rehab physician for the physical work. I will be working on core muscle and upper body strengthening. Techniques for everyday activities, posture when sitting, standing, and so forth. All in all it feels very promising. Eventually, I will be on a plan to maintain exercise for long term positive health.

I was suppose to have my first session yesterday but I discovered that my tire was completely off the rim and flat. So I had to get 2 new tires for the front of my truck as the dry rot was making them flat. I found it comical to say the least. I'm glad I could laugh about it; most would just flip out. So I go this afternoon and hope to learn and work as much as I can. I really want to make the best use of the time I have left while on leave. I've only 4 weeks left so April will be here before I know it.

Bitching about the task is only delaying the inevitable; so you can bitch and then work, or just get to work.

Hopeful step

2010-03-09T00:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't slept yet and its due to a lot to think about since I found out the results from the MRI. I spoke with my Mom and had to learn how she coped all these years with a now ruptured disc. We discussed pain, inflammation, tasks, and mental acceptance of the limitations it puts on a person. It will be tough; it's another layer of pain that I will have to cope with when it acts up. I truly hope this specialist I see tomorrow can give me some answers.

But, I also started reflecting on my personal life; my love life. (friends, family and past lovers) I started remembering and letting go of more pain that I had buried, that I want to honor a desire that someone has of me. He's a sweetheart of a man, full of compassion, optimism and love for family. I'll refer to him as Rose.

Rose is because his favorite color is red for passion and that makes me think of red roses.It's not a gay thing.

Red made a comment in passion a few nights back that he wants to learn everything about me. I know I feel the same way for him. This encompasses both the good and bad moments of my life. And it worries me. It worries me that it may be too much for him to understand; not because of rejection. I want him to know about Mr.Photo, the Black Fairy and her Lord Purple, and the Dark Warrior. Of my mistakes, more out of lack of better options to choose from, and how I came out of that. What I did to turn my life around from the negative karma. I also want him to see how I force myself to live honesty as much as possible.

Even when I have downer days...

I just feel that something is there; a pull of energy toward this man. This man who wants a home, a woman to share life with and a child or children. I know so much already and I feel compelled to be there for him. I want to help with his struggles, I want to share in the joys of being creative with writing, reading or artsy fartsy stuff. LOL!!

He's already accepted so much of me. This syndrome Fibromyalgia, my financial situation, my recovery process from the car accident and he thinks I'm beautiful. This is why I want to share my sorrows with him and let him know of my journey to find lasting love and a family of my own. My journey of learning how to help others. And, despite the knowledge that he has pain as well, I feel that he will listen and understand. I won't know if he'll stick around but, I feel so compelled to do this, that it makes me feel ill not to. I can only be truthful and if he's the one, he'll accept me unconditionally.

Veritas Lux Mae ~ The Truth is my Light

MRI results

2010-03-08T12:39:00.000-08:00

I had an MRI of my lower back and hips last Friday to find out why I was still having hip and leg pain combined with off/on toes going numb. The results are that I have a herniated disc in my L1 region of my lower back. I'm not sure what that means but I'll be sure to ask tomorrow when I go see a specialist for better recovery techniques as my chiropractor isn't making any more progress.

In fact, I feel I've gotten worse with her 'help' since last Monday. I do feel good when I've had the stretching done but the adjustments with my hips hurt like a mofo. The comical part is how my primary and my chiropractor can't stand each others profession as they both think they don't know what they're talking about. In some ways I feel they are correct and in others incorrect. I just feel its more unprofessional to air out these opinions in front of a patient. Much like customer service you don't bitch about the industry to the customer, you do that behind closed doors amongst the workers.

And, as to how this all affects the Fibromyalgia, well I'm not sleeping well and I'm back to having hot flashes and hives all over my face. It has however, made me start feeling and focusing on what does feel good and what does work healthily. Mind over matter.

Let's do the hokey pokey and give it all a shout, that's what I'm talking about. Hokey Pokey!!!

Defeated

2010-03-03T17:26:00.000-08:00

I feel so defeated with my body. I went to my primary doctor to get an anti-inflammatory steroid shot in my right hip as previously discussed on my last visit with him; only to be told that the problem is more widespread and wants to eliminate the possibility of a pinched nerve or herniated disc. Apparently, the chiropractic care isn't very helpful. I disagree, well at least until this past Monday.

OMFG DID IT HURT!!!!

It feels like a sharp, shooting pain that runs from my hip down to my foot, where my toes go back and forth from numbness. Nor, did it help that when the doc was pushing on my leg and hip, that they were some of the key pressure points that are severe for FM. Ugh!

Then to piss me off, he tells me he's not sure what FM is but whatever the case may be, I need to go to a specialist that works specifically in physical rehabilitation. And, I have to get an MRI. Why didn't anyone tell me to do this in the beginning. See why I feel so defeated.

I'm still going to go back to work regardless, I need to feel useful again. And I need to gain more work experience as well. I thought I was doing well, I even lost a tad bit of weight from all the exercise and doing the best for my health. So we'll see how it goes in the next few days.

Better late than never.

Tree sharing

2010-03-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

I started chatting with a very interesting man yesterday and I felt a good connection. So much so that when I showed him a picture of the tree outside my living room and how connected I felt to it and that it's where I'm waiting for the man of my dreams to become reality. It made me so compelled to share my story, my dream that gave me hope to keep on living all these years, that I emailed him the story. I also gave him the link to this blog.

And it's made me nervous.

I know and after today, I've come very far physically and mentally. But, my romantic notions, my enduring belief in that my soulmate is alive and out there, has still been my driving factor. I've had 2 dates this past weekend and yes, I had fun but that connection wasn't there. I couldn't see or feel it going anywhere and this was all before I started chatting with this man. Strange when, I should be thinking of who I'm going to meet and instead, I'm wondering what the other is like. I hope that it translates well in person.

I thought about the pictures of the doves Mr.Photo took and how it was doves when I was a teen that stopped me so I could dream. almost 15 years go by and time repeats itself. Except this time, I want the dream to be a reality. Anything is possible.

If it weren't for the car accident, I never would've recharged my energy, destress my mind as best as possible, and relearn how to exercise so that I help myself and not hurt myself. It's also allowed me to see that I really don't want to keep going in certain directions anymore and I want to change course and go the route of true happiness. The risk is that I have to lay it all out there and hope that someone can unconditionally accept me. That would be the greatest miracle of all.

There is no rushing the creative currents that unite complements. The meeting is divinely timed. ~ Ariadne Green

Weekend passing me by

2010-02-28T22:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, good news is that the Potassium seems to be the key to my hip. Now I just have to get it built up enough in my system so that the cramps and swelling go away. I'm starting to get used to the stretching more and I just push my mind past the pain. I know I can do this.

When I wasn't working on my stretching, I spent time cleaning, organizing and sort out what I need to donate to Salvation army. Since my boobs are too big for a bunch of my tops, I have to go through everything and see what won't work anymore. I know even with weight loss, the chances of my girls shrinking are slim to none. So I figure there are plenty of people out there that could use some clothes. Even women who wear a size 11 shoe.

I also started chatting with a few people as potentials for a bf/dating and so far, one was a 'hell no', one a good friend, and as of last night, one I'm thoroughly excited about. I feel so connected to this man with deep eyes and highly well read individual that I didn't want to stop chatting with him. I truly hope something will bloom out of this and give us both something worth having.

I'm going to start setting my alarm clock this week so I can get back into the routine of early wake-ups and then stay busy all day so I can get the feel of a work routine. I want to see how far I can last before my body gives out on my with the pain and swelling. I'm hoping that all keeps going well. I need to get back to work. Things happen for a reason and I still don't know why yet, other than I needed the time to rest and fully understand how my body functions and accept it. I spent too much time fighting and whining about it.

Choose, but choose wisely~ Indiana Jones, Last Crusade

Potassium issues

2010-02-25T18:19:00.000-08:00

Having potassium deficiency can hinder anyone not just a person with FM. Muscles contracting, charlie horse's and depression. The last was one that surprised even me. I know that vitamins with B help with energy and Melatonin helps with sleep so that a person doesn't feel so low but that's for energy. For depression, magnesium and potassium are a big factor.

I already take Magnesium to help with nerves; meaning, muscle spasms, restless legs, tingling in my hands and feet. The Potassium helps with muscles themselves and water intake/release in the body. Constant thirst and depression are signs aside from the muscle cramps themselves.

I did some reading and thought I would see if taking Potassium would help the muscles in my sacrilia and hip joint. It seemed to ease the ache a bit the other day and my leg was easier to move so that's what led to the research on Potassium.

The downside is being careful not to overdose on Potassium. It can overwork the kidney's and make it harder for them to process properly.

So we'll see how it turns out.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

A few days later

2010-02-23T10:13:00.000-08:00

The physical demand I'm pushing myself to meet in physical therapy is being sorely felt. And I mean sorely.

Friday, I made my goal of 30 minutes on the stationary bike and I'm keeping to that time, as for the intensity, that varies depending on how I'm doing and what kind of stretching I'm to do that session. I felt good with the accomplishment but I felt sore. It was a good kind of sore; the kind where you know its expected. As for my right hip, I could still feel the painful pressure reminder and it still feels like a golf ball. A squishy golf ball.

Over the weekend, I just rested and did some reading, painting some picture frames and just tried to relax my muscles. I still kept up on the stretching exercises and they do work. It just takes longer for me to get the muscles to relax in the stretch. I'm definitely more stiff each day but I think it's a combination of the fluctuating weather temperature and the exercise.

Then, yesterday, the spine center that I go to decided I was to start lower back strengthening techniques. OMG!!! By the time I was finished, I thought I had been kicked in the back. I wanted to whine and after a while I just took a soak in the tub and put heat on my lower back. I know I should use ice but I didn't feel up to it. My doctor did tell me to expect more soreness for a while until my body gets stronger. I just hope that the Fibromyalgia doesn't hit me too hard.

Between the exercises, stretching and decrease in medicines, I haven't been sleeping very well. I try to keep my day full of chores, reading, exercises and stretching so I can sleep better. I do okay but it takes a while for my mind to calm down. The breathing exercises help and I am getting a better handle on the anxiety. Once I start paying attention to what causes the anxiety, I address the issue so that it can be resolved and I can calm down. Lord knows my face needs the calm; my left cheek keeps getting hives. And, they hurt. Not too attractive.

As for dating pursuits, I've given up. It's pretty much gotten to where, whenever someone comes along, they'll come along, if not then so be it. Yes, it sucks and I still want to have someone in my life I share with and have a family in a home of my own. Anything is possible. The up side is that I've also taken to being a penpal with someone in the Air Force. I hear from him from time to time so I'm always glad to hear from him. And, I'm glad I can be a positive distraction on his off days.

And that's how the cookie crumbles.

Helping hands

2010-02-18T19:43:00.000-08:00

I love my friends; they're my family and very helpful. I wanted to write about them and how having people like them in my life has helped in the healing process. But, more importantly the living process.

Yes, it comes across as whining to some, foolishness to others but to those who know me, they genuinely know that what I'm feeling both physically and emotionally are valid and true. I don't mooch, skimp and I do give way too much of myself to others. I have a hard time not being nice and I'm full of compassion for others. It's been a hard, hard learning experience to learn how to say no, to call people on their b.s. and to say this is what makes me happy and be okay with all of that. The constant reminders, the brutal verbal punch in the face, and the love my friends give me selflessly is priceless. I wouldn't want it any other way.

My girl and her man surprised me by sending me a grocery store gift card and a pet store gift card. It was only $25 but, that she was thinking of me and that concerned for me touched my heart. Another friend stops by from time to time to help me with the heavy lifting, like lifting the couch to pull the cat toys out. It's silly but, a necessary task as a cat owner. He also came over quite often in the beginning of this recovery process to walk my dog and bring me soy milk since I couldn't walk. He even took me to the doc's a few times when I couldn't drive. People like them touch the lives of many and few; they're definitely unsung heroes of the daily living. I'm grateful and very appreciative. I know I won't let you guys down.

Count your blessings instead of sheep

Diagnosis: 2 more weeks

2010-02-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

I met with my rheumatologist today and filled her in on my health and what I had been going through since she last saw me.

I told of the accident, the bursitis, the sacrailia being inflammed and the pain. I told her the truth; that the pain was so bad I was thinking suicide but it hurt too much to even go through with it. I told her of the depression, anxiety attacks and how much I've improved since Christmas.

My right hip felt like a softball was lodged in the joint; now it's down to roughly a golf ball. We discussed getting the anti-inflammatory shot but agreed that would just mask the problem not fix it. So I have to see her in 2 months and hopefully I'll be better.

She was just as frustrated as I was since November was the last time I showed significant improvement overall. I'm just as frustrated because I have to stay on leave for an additional two weeks.

Fucking snow. Next time I'm just paying someone to come dig my car out. Not worth the delay and I need to get back to work.

I think I'm going to pull out my accounting books and refresh my mind so that when I go back I'll be ready mentally for work. I just hope that there's not much filing to do. Sometimes it's nothing but making copies of documents for auditors to review.

I have to not let this get to me mentally; or it will make me depressed and I don't want to go there. It's hard accepting what is and letting go of a fight for what you think you want. My body is saying otherwise. I just want all this hard work and struggles to count for something when the leave is up.

Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them.~Lou Holtz